10/19/25 - Finding my power & loving myself

It’s only 11am right now and I swear I had the biggest breakthrough about myself that just makes insane sense. I say this about every breakthrough but I swear I’m more and more mind blown each time.

Anyways, today is Kali Chodus - the day your scaricity identity dies and it all just feels so crazy aligned.
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Last night, I felt so disappointed almost because I just couldn’t see the power in myself, which makes sense because if I saw it before, than I’d probably never have all these important lessons. I kept being disappointed because I was trying to find bits and pieces of myself by comparing myself to other people. And it just didn’t make sense or click.

Then I asked Chatgpt to create a picture of myself that helps me explain my own aura, and I FINALLY got it. To the point I’m seriously in awe and magnitized to my own aura. Like I’m thinking about it and it’s true on why the comparisons didn’t work or felt like disappointment. It’s because I’ve truly never see anything like it.

I’m in love with it! And it’s all true. Like when I saw myself at first, I was like oh okay. But there was a pull a second later to do a double-take. Almost like my soul registered the power faster than my brain. The pull comes from inner knowing. I don’t even know how to explain it. Not from my heart, eyes, brain. Soul/unknown.

And then once I do the double-take, I see it. It is soooo radiating. It’s like this unique combination of studyness, warmth, wisdom, kindness, personality, stillness, confidence, and beauty. I’m still in awe because it doesn’t make sense, but makes sense at the same time. I never got it when my birth chart would tell me about the power in my combination, but I finally get it. I see the power in the stillness.

At 4am, I went to sleep wondering if my power is in my stillness how am I supposed to experience my other emotions. Like what’s the whole purpose of them?

But somehow that made sense in the morning too from my lesson a couple of days ago. Where I still feel all my emotions deeply, let them pass, and then anchor again. It’s not a bad part of me, it almost adds to my aura when it becomes anchored again. That’s where the power is coming from.. all the emotions I’ve felt in my years, and it’s coming to life now because during my healing period, I finally let them all pass through and transmuted them to anchored energy.

But only a few people will be able to handle my “emotional volatility” and understand it’s my feeling period that needs to pass. My best friend being one of them. Every time I’m around her I just feel to the extent which is so different from my calm state but now I get it. She works because she’s calm and grounded herself.

That’s why I’m not supposed to be magnetic to everyone; that’s why there’s a protective layer to me. And now it all makes sense on the people I love, people I need, and people that can’t handle all of me. I am still magnetic to everyone, just in different forms.

I love unfiltered people because I know they’ll be able to handle the authencity of my emotions since I feel it all really quickly and pass it quickly. They don’t gaslight it or tell me to chill. If anything they connect from it. They allow me to feel with authenticity.

I love calm and loving people because it also allows me to not be the grounded one and I feel unconditional love. It allows me to feel with intensity.

And my other two friends that I don’t get along with, that finally makes sense too. One of them can’t handle my intensity because just being around me makes her face her own demons and until now I was giving unsolicited advice trying to help her, so it was super overwhelming for her.

And my other friend can’t handle the emotional volatility because it disrupts her own peace. She herself doesn’t fully process her emotions, so mine feel scary and too much to her.

Until yesterday, I was also confused on my person was going to work? Especially if he’s going to love me for being “grounded” but the truth is i’m not grounded 30% of my day to stay grounded 70% of it. And the ungrounded energy is still a part of me. But he’s going to be like my best friend, where he’s also so grounded in himself that he see’s my emotions just need to pass, and he won’t think that’s crazy or volatile. He’ll still see me as an overall study person. I finally get it. My birth chart literally kept saying this, and I just couldn’t get it until now. My best friend is calm but also unfiltered, which is why I also feel things with authenticity and intensity around her and then return back to being anchored.

I also feel like I have a newfound discovery of what people can hold, what version of me. It’s like a new skill unlocked.

I honestly feel like I can cry tears of joy because I finally feel like I love myself fully and even my non survival mode identity makes so much sense to me. It’s also crazy how I never saw this coming a year ago, but it all just makes so much sense now and I see how it was always a part of me. Even when I was a kid, I was the most quiet calm person. I feel like I’m going back to factory resetting now.

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After morning journal, I went in to the kitchen and my mom out of nowhere was like I want to face my fears and that’s when it hit me that the reason why she’s been so tired is because her body is resting from survival mode. That’s why all of a sudden she’s become mellow, likes her peace, and now she’s trusting her intuiton over noise. SHE MEDITATES. AND NOW, she understands decompressing and rest. It’s the cutest moment for me because she’s healing by association. Like sure she doesn’t know the meaning behind everything happening, but it’s happening. She’s healing.

Anyways, went back into my room, and then mom made edli sambhar. At this point, I was starving, so ate. Drank some lemon ginger tea, and then went to go figure out what jewelry I should wear with my outfit. Sadly, nothing looked good, so I need to order everything. Slightly stressed but I also know I’ll figure it out.

Showered, and then took a nap, and then my best friend texted me to go on a walk with her, so we went and yapped. I basically, somehow, in conversation, told her that she needs to let emotions pass.

Came home ate a bit, and my best friend messaged me saying she was going to make mango tiramisu for me. So cute. After that, got to amazon ordering. Was very overwelhming tbh, espcially with the amount of stuff I needed to order.

Then mom and I did our Kali Chodus rituals.

I feel supppppper bloated today. Have just been eating an insane amount of carbs, but happy I was able to get a walk in at least.

This week is just going by so fast, and still have so much to do, but I’m trying to stay chill. Or maybe I need to pass the anxiety emotion.

Intuition - Today felt like a super special day with everything I learned about myself

10/10 - Thankful with the new clarity

Energy:
25% - getting things done
25% - rituals with mom
25% - mind blown with new discovery
25% - yap session with my best friend