10/18/25 - Feels like Diwali, A literal death of my old identity, disappointed with the new identity
I feel like I lived so many lives today and reflected so much that I don’t even know if my reflections are from today or yesterday.
It was raining in the middle of the night, so I was kind of a bit scared it was going to flood again, but was just praying. Because it’s diwali weekend, and a flood right now is just super inconvenient.
Anyways, I woke up from a scary dream again. This time, I was trying to avoid my worst nightmare and that made things even more obvious. I woke up feeling like I really need to look it in the eye, face it, and claim my new identity instead of running away from it and acting like it doesn’t exist. I need to face it with calmness instead of fear.
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Because of the dream, I was a bit sluggish in the morning even though it was Dhanterus, the first official day of Diwali week. Chilled in bed for a while, but the SF girlies and I picked out our halloween costume. I’m going to be welma from scooby. It happened faster than I thought it would. I did have a moment of overexplaining. Work in progress.
Also, posted my pictures on TikTok as a carousel of 10 poses for diwali. Finally got dressed, ate, and then mom and I went to Devon to get stuff for Diwali today.
I dropped her off and went to Del Sur to go get the Pandan latte I was craving. Came back and was still waiting for her. Devon was packed today. Dropped my car off and then met her at the jewelry store to get silver but instantly got overwelhmed and couldn’t wait to leave.
Then we went to the mandir, and there I just started internally humming a song every time I was overthinking. I also finally get how I look like to others when I’m chill but making eye contact. In a non creepy way.
We went to the get some sweets and then the other store for more things. Overall, mom was happy, and I was happy. I thought the joy of Diwali was gone this year because of everything happening but the crowd almost brought it back.
We came home and mom was kind of overwelhmed. I went to trader joes to get flowers, and then grabbed dosa cause mom was still in a mood. Also made another round to give something to a ba.
Lots of going back and fourth overall. When I came back mom and I ate, and she said she felt better being back in peace. Which is a good thing! Cause that means her nervous system is resonating with peace more than chous now. That means she’s healing, even though everything was an overwelhming experience for her today.
I went in my room and chilled for a bit and watched Gilmore girls. I feel like she also now understands the concept of peace and space. Went back when it was time to do the pooja. Mom and I did the pooja, made our tea and then went back to my room. I was too tired to do the Rangoli today.
Overall, I still have so much shit to do and haven’t done any of it. There’s so much I still need to order. Like holy shit.
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After the pooja, I kind of did a lot of Chatgpting. Can’t lie but there is an internal part of me that’s still trying to come to terms with my new identity. It’s so different than who I currently am, so I have to really internalize if I’m giving up parts of myself or were those parts fake to begin with created from my anxiety.
It really does feel like a death of my old identity and a whole rebirth of my new identity that I didn’t even see coming. And honestly I’m trying to accept it and appreciate it.
It’s kind of crazy but it’s kind of so different than the magnetic version I thought I would be. I thought I would be loud, extroverted, super funny, nice, and people would still fly to me like moths because this time people just get me.
In no way did I ever think I would have to do the opposite. Lmaoo literally sit and smile to be magnetic.
I feel like today I was also comparing myself to other people I find magnetic. Like the ball of energy, or the funny ones, or the ones that are so captivating. Almost kind of sad that I’m the grounded chill one, kind of feeling like the boring one. Like I almost want to be the one who walks in the room and is just so radiating. Not the one that you see when you take a second look or feel overwhelmed. I guess that’s where my aura protects me and only allows those who are not damaging to me really feel me.
Today again… I’m really just trying to come to terms with it. But also now, I’m trying to love it. That’s still a work in progess though. I have aura fomo at the moment.
Idk if I need to let out a cry for this disappointment I kind of feel.
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At night, the LA coordinator added me on IG. We were texting today about me needing an invoice, and tbh I don’t care what she thinks of me anymore. I was a bit icked out by her wanting to add me but whatever. If I want to be seen, it is what it is. I need to be okay with being seen by everyone.
Intuition - It’s different than what I imagined but I’m sure I’ll grow to love it.
8/10 - Very busy day but it felt like the holidays, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
Energy:
30% - busy
40% - Trying to find peace
30% - disappointed
