10/16/25 - Aura is not the problem, energy is

Today’s pondering question kind of stems from yesterday but basically I think my aura right now is mixed where it looks like you could step over me but also can’t, so almost everyone that’s smart tests my boundaries first.

I feel like that’s what happened yesterday, where they’ll try to negotiate higher to see if I’m stupid enough to fall for it or if I don’t care. But then they get shocked when I put a boundary and realize they can’t mess with me because I’ll put them in check.

Even at work, where everyone knows I’m nice and sweet and soft, so they’ll try getting away with things, but then I clock them on it and they’re like “oh shit.”

Initially, people did walk over me. Or I would have to prove my worth to have them not walk over me. Which comes from my mom.

Then I became extra bitchy and scary, like the spider phase where I would excute fear and power, so everyone was scared of me. So I did get my way at the end of the day cause they knew I held the power but it was still complicated. This comes from my dad. Where people are scared of him, but he’s lonely.

Now, I need to integrate the two. Right now it’s like new people are “testing” me to see how much they can get away with. And I don’t like that. It’s still doesn’t feel like the perfect combo.

I want my external presence to be kind of like Priyanka Chopra where she just looks like someone you don’t want to mess with, so no one tests her boundaries. But she also looks fun and nice. She doesn’t look bitchy.

I guess that’s what being a lion is… but how do I get to that? Is it just more of an external thing where I really have to anchor in feeling like a lion/priyanka chopra and then have my external energy be soft? What do I say to myself internally to execute this boundary/aura/confidence?

I need my aura to filter because I can’t deal with everyone testing me. That’s the whole reason I became a spider in the first place. But even at work, I want to be able to become friends with the people I partner with and work with, not have them just think of me as a bitchy partner that they have to deal with cause I’m the one giving them money. Because that’s not someone magnetic.
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Anyways, woke up and got straight to answering slack messages. Showered, got ready, straightened my hair because I was doing an interview today, and then decided I wanted to get coffee.

Wore my fancy clothes and went to dunkin, then rushed back home.

Honestly, the guy I interviewed was on a whim too, but somehow I liked his energy too. Last time I talked to my boss, I got the sense that he’s not ready to hire two people, so idk I’m actually thinking about telling him I might be leaving in a yearish. Idk and don’t have plans yet, but need to start preparing so it’s only wise that we hire both. I want to leave on my terms. And it’s not from a negative place of leaving the brand dry and without support. I’ve worked too hard on it and care way too much about it.

For the rest of the day ate, worked, watched gilmore girls, went to the mandir for a bit..

And then had a whole 2-hour identity crisis debrief with my best friend about my aura. She said that I give off strong aura already, it’s basically my insecurites and me inviting someone that lets them step over me.

Which is kind of new news to me, but also makes sense. When I’m overly nice and inviting that’s when someone thinks they could cling on to me or take advantage of the niceness. So I’m the one that allows them to do it first by overextending.

It’s my kindness and empathy. Not my aura that lets people walk over me.

And my kindness and empathy come from me trying to read them too much instead of anchoring myself. I need to stop reading people.

Again, I feel like it’s coming down to being a lion. Yesterday, I felt like I was overly being nice in the hopes I could be friends with her. That’s where I went wrong.

Even with the new girl, I’m inviting her and giving access to her because I’m reading into her too much.

In theory, I need to stop getting people to “like” me. I need to worry about myself and focus on myself.

I’m getting I really need to focus all my energy in myself and really feel and act like a lion. I think right now, I’m still trying to read the room and alter my energy and being overly nice, which is giving them the invitation to step over me. It’s not my aura that’s at fault. My aura is already protective. It’s my energy that’s inviting the wrong people. So solution is I need to pour that energy into me instead of getting other people to like me.

ANCHORING at its core.

Tbh this chapter of lessons has been pretty cool. I’m been meaning to say that for a few journals now. Like the fact that nothing is actually external is crazy.

I can’t believe I thought my aura was the problem. But it’s actually my energy.

Intuition - Anchoring is literally focusing energy back into myself. My energy is leaky right now because I’m still looking for validation.

9/10 - Feels like another breakthrough.

Energy:
30% - working
70% - figuring out aura