10/15/25 - Letting myself be excited, power in softness
Last night literally I just could not sleep because my legs were burning. I haven’t walked in 2 weeks and haven’t done 10k steps in more than 3 months, so my legs were just fried. At 2am, I just couldn’t take it and ended up popping my melatonin gummies. Woke up at 8am to post my photo dump pictures of the black sari and then fell back asleep and didn’t want up until supppper late. Literally at 1pm.
My SF best friend texted me about halloween outfits, so went back and forth with her for a bit. I also checked my work messages and decided I needed to train the new girl to do payments and just be a little more on top of things, so set up a call with her. On the call, I told her ideas and creative vision on the spot but she needed to think of it from a business perspective too. I was kind of over explaining, but I was still nice about it. I feel like I shouldn’t give up on her or be mean. Part of me is a little frustrated that she’s not already where I want her to be but I have to think back at myself and remember I sucked when I first started. She said she appreciated the way I was teaching her, but Idk if I’ve found the exact combo yet.
I do feel like when I’m teaching her I’m trying to read her and figure out her energy to get a sense of what direction to go more than worrying about myself, that’s where I’m going wrong. I need to stay anchored on my energy and the way I’m teaching her, not tune into her energy. She’s kind of hard and easy to read at the same time. Hard to explain.
Ate a bit, watched TV with mom, went to my room to relax for a bit and then the LA girl emailed and texted about the photo booth. Idk why I was slacking on that, but then panicked and started calling a couple of vendors. Found one and texted her but something in me was like there’s a reason why I’m slacking on this. Told her that idk if people still want to take pictures at a photobooth, and somehow we came to the conclusion that we’re actually going to do a photo area and have a professional photographer there dedicated to DM, which now I’m even more excited about and I don’t even have to the work of figuring out the graphic part.
I always wondered if they had a list of people they wanted to take pictures of or if it’s open to everyone, and now I know it’s open to everyone and the fact that I get dibs on this photographer is honestly even cooler.
I was asking her a bunch of questions and a part of me thinks I was being nicer. I was trying to talk to her like a friend rather than a sponsor.
I feel like when I first started working, I was super nice and people started walking over me and didn’t take me seriously, so then I became direct and a bityatch. And that’s when I got the answers and job done but I don’t think people really liked me when it came to people I worked with.
I think I’m finally nice but at the same time I’m getting used to the fact that people won’t walk over me if I’m nice. It’s a learning curve. Idk if me just internally knowing I’m powerful and secure is enough. Like is it an aura thing?
Did people walk over me before because they knew I was insecure? And then I became a spider so people were scared of me. But now, I’m in lion mode. I want people to ultimately respect me. I want to be friends with people I work with. Not just be a bityatch to them. I’m also back to saying please and thank yous and not using Chatgpt to answer.
I also feel like there’s a part of me that still has imposter syndrome and the need to be invisible in big rooms, but I got to cut it out. I don’t need to be like anyone. I didn’t beg for an invite. I’m in that room because of me. My character and personality got me that that point, and whether they think I’m important or not doesn’t matter. I’m literally the one that’s sponsoring and giving them money.
_
Did all this and then went to go make my dinner. Just made ground chicken and dyed my mom’s hair while watching TV.
Made quesadillas for dinner after with the ground chicken and even had molten cake and ice cream for dessert.
Came back in my room and booked my coworkers flight and the hotel using my amex. Still need to figure out my outfit details.
The candle designer sent me the pictures of the candles and I loved it. It all looked so good and high-end.
A couple of things on my mind today:
1. Lmao I lowkey forgot about the whole N having a girlfriend anymore. I took out my steam, so I actually forgot about it and feel super chill about it.
2. I’m excited about this and I’m allowing myself to be happy about this. Normally, if I’m excited about something I’ll book refundable things or have back up plans in case something happens. But this time, I’m allowing myself to fully be excited. I’m trusting its my time, and if I don’t let happiness stay, I literally simply can’t get more good things because I’ll freak out even more about them leaving and get even more anxiety. I’m training my nervous system right now.
3. Trying to figure out how to just casually integrate myself in my new life and not to anything to perform.
4. Happy with the attention I got my new photo dump. Didn’t feel drained either.
8/10 - Productive day and it went by super fast.
Intuition - It’s okay to be nice again. I need to learn how being soft is no longer a sign of weakness.
Energy:
20% - Chilling with mom
20% - Planning my trip
60% - working
