10/14/25 - Ex’s new girlfriend, people’s role
I woke up at 5am from a dream and couldn’t go back to sleep. Lately, my dreams really have been doing miracle work in decoding things in my life.
I’ve been thinking about my guy friend and I had a dream about him, where he was showing me some photo shoot pictures. And I was making fun of him, and then he went behind me and since he was so close to me there was something there. But then my mom came and he tried to hide but couldn’t, so I introduced him to my mom. My mom got excited cause she thought it was a guy I liked, but I had to tell her he’s getting married.
I stopped talking to him months ago because I know he has no place with my soulmate. Like the fact that I have even the slightest feelings for him means he can not coexist with my soulmate in my life. And even tho I don’t have my soulmate yet, I have to act like I do. Having even the slightest feelings for someone that doesn’t have feelings for me is also accepting a version of me that accepts people that don’t go all in for me, and I can’t have that. I need everyone in my life to be my people. A fuck yes for me that gives me their all. Also, I 100% know he’s not my person. He doesn’t get any of my banters/jokes. And I get tired of talking to him after a while.
I think I subconsciously wonder if things will change between us now that I’m in my chill era. Especially since he’s been in my life for so long. Also, I saw him have a crush on a girl. And I feel like I’m prettier so part of me wonders why her and why not me? Why did he never like me? - But back to my brain. Also even in my dream, I knew it wasn’t right, so I set the boundary of him being married. This is still the need for validation showing up. That’s probably why he’s showing up. My person would never make me feel like “why her”. I’m not a leftover pick. My person will feel like alignment and flow. Someone that chooses me. Not someone I have to convince or fight for.
I’ve also been wondering lately if the dynamic between my friendships will change now that I’m a bit more grounded.
But me trying to wonder if my past rocky/incomplete relationships will be back to normal or will love me again is what’s wrong. I’m still seeking validation from people that I don’t get along with. I want them to like me and want me. But that’s not their role in my life. Their role was simply for them to not like me. Like if my guy friend liked me, I would have ended up with him and not my upcoming soulmate. He doesn’t like not me because I’m not good enough. It’s because that was his wrong in my life.
Anyways, since I couldn’t sleep, I watched Gilmore Girls, stayed awake for a bit and then fell back asleep.
I woke up with my SF bestie calling me to give me tea and lmaooooooo she told me N got a new girlfriend. She said her boyfriend said she was pretty and fun. In that moment, all the healing went out the window and I just wanted to see who she was or know more about her. I was actually ghossiping and talking shit and didn’t care about being mature.
Was I immature? yes. Did I give a shit? no. In that moment, me “being above” everyone else and being mature and calm sounded fake.
There was no chill bone in my body. But also was this a test? And am I backtracking by gossiping and not being calm? I didn’t give a shit about being a lion. I just wanted to vent with my best friends.
Initially, I thought I was doing it for entertainment, so didn’t mind too much. That’s when the RCN guy also came and I got my new internet set up. He was a little rude for some reason.
Had my marketing meeting with the new girl. Also my boss’ messages have been super rude lately, so I’ve just been giving him thumbs ups.
Then ate, and went to the bank to deposit my check from the dentist but it didn’t work, so I had to drop it off at the dentists. Then had my call with the new girl. She hasn’t gotten much done yet, so it’s starting to piss me off. Need to have KPIs for her.
The whole ex having a girlfriend thing started pissing me off even more. On the soul level yeah whatever I knew he was a lesson and this doesn’t change anything about me.
I just felt so angry, like beyond the logic and reasoning and I still know I’m on my alignment path. The anger tbh is very simple. “You don’t get to be happy. You will get your fair share of the pain you caused me. F’ you.” The anger is so much to the point that I literally feel like throwing up.
So I decided to write a hate letter. Immature? sure, but I’m starting to think healing is having that upper reasoning voice. Besides that, I’m allowed to be crazy and have immatures. I can’t be okay, if I don’t pass and feel the anger.
You have to pass emotions no matter what to rise above them. I’m pretty sure even mother teresa wrote hate letters.
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Anyways I wrote my hate letter and I’m actually happy I cursed him out in it. Feel lighter.
Then walked on my walking pad for a hour and half while watching a movie. The remote came in today, along with my color pencils.
Idk I’m still pissed. I did wonder if she was pretty. Also wtf I hope he gets hurts. Idgaf. But I also don’t want to be this angry. Like how the f is he back in my friend circle somehow after 2 years, and why. Why the fuck am I so triggered by this. I deep down don’t give a shit. But why all this anger.
And idk overall how I’m doing with the whole anchoring thing.
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Honestly also working on detachment. Like fuck it. I might just not get any of it and I just need to be fine with who I am and the state I’m in.
5/10 - Very angry today but I have insane fire in me right now
Intuition - I’m releasing the anger. This doesn’t change my healing because I clearly know the why and how. But I’m allowed to be pissed. The same way I was pissed with the universe about the flood and I’m slowly coming back.
Energy:
20% - meetings
50% - being angry pissed
30% - walking
