10/11/25 - Rush to secure money, intuition versus anxiety
Last night, I took my melatonin gummy at like 9pm and it worked for like a hour and then I woke back up at like 10pm. Watched an episode of Gilmore girls and then fell back asleep at 1am.
Woke up feeling some sort of anxiety, like something bad was going to happen today. And I truely couldn’t tell if it was my intuiton warning me or if it was my nervous system being scared. And because of that Idk what I felt today. I didn’t feel like going anywhere, but I also felt suffocated. Like I just needed some fresh air.
I didn’t feel like watching too much netflix, eating, sleeping, working, nothing. I didn’t feel like doing anything in particular, but also didn’t feel like doing nothing.
Tried to just stay in bed and relax and watch netflix but that got boring too. Made avocado and toast for breakfast and tried watching TV with my mom but that also got boring.
I drank some tulsi tea in the hopes to fall asleep, but I couldn’t even do that.
Literally decided to go through piles of mail because I was so bored.
Through the pile of mail, I found a check from my dentist because they overcharged me and gave a refund. When I saw the check, the first thing I thought was about time I start getting money. Thank you universe. It was a relief after all I’ve been getting is random bills. Or maybe this was a sign to keep me going, especially when I least expected it.
But then 5 minutes later, I was in a hurry to cash it in just in case it wasn’t real or if that money was going to go away.
And maybe that unravelled that I still don’t think money could be mine subconsciously if my second instinct is to “secure” it. At one point, I didn’t even want to tell my mom because I didn’t want to ginx it.
But afterwards came back to my senses. What’s mine can never miss me. Just the way it was sitting in my drawer all these months and is now back to me. I decided I wasn’t going to cash it in for another week to train my brain that “money can’t be taken away from me”.
It’s mine, it’s meant for me.
After that, mom and I ate some kichari. I made coffee and had a couple of biscits. And then decided to clean the bathrooms.
Literally, time was just going soooo slow. Crazy, but DJ N’s soundcloud kind of gives me comfort.
Took a shower and then mom and I decided to get out. We went to patel to get some groceries, and while I was in the car literally I was feeling sooooo suffocated. Like I just needed to be out. We went to the mandir after, prayed for a bit.
Mom came home, and I went to target and whole foods. I told myself that either today my intuition is proved right or today’s lesson is that “my intuition isn’t always my body warning me. Sometimes it’s my anxiety and I really need to learn the difference.
Target ended up being random. I just had some returns and pulled in, and then decided to walk around. Grabbed a couple of things.
Then went to Whole foods, also did some returns, walked around and grabbed healthy popcorn. I somehow lost one of the octobuddies, so I was literally in the whole foods parking lot just looking for it everywhere.
I was listening to DJ N’s soundcloud the whole time while I was driving and it was very calming again.
Came home, ate popcorn, and a little bit of kichari and tofu that my mom made. Making chicken tomorrow.
And now journaling and sipping on this other night time tea I ordered. I’m out of my favorite coffee pods and literally am just getting addicted to a shit ton of tea at this point. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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The whole money thing was definitely insightful in the fact that I thought it wouldn’t stay if I didn’t secure it fast.
Initially, I thought my lesson was to be okay with being still/bored and just deal with it. But I literally could not. It was getting to the point where I thought I couldn’t breathe, so that definitely couldn’t have been my lesson.
I thought my anxiety was warning, but today ended up calm and productive.
Got sooo much done somehow.
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Also the craziest thing happened, I woke up this morning and the first thing I see is ex N on my best friend’s bf’s snap. And I was kind of grossed out. Like there was no pull to him. There was more of a pull to crush N, who I don’t even know. I felt what I felt the first time I saw him without attachment, which is that I didn’t find him attractive. It’s like the love glasses came off.
I’m at a point where even if he were to come in front of me again, I wouldn’t think it’s faith trying to “reconnect” us. I still know he’s not my person. That’s why even having a mutual friend now doesn’t do anything for me.
Intuition: I need to work through figuring out what’s my intuiton versus my anxiety. I can’t tell the difference right now.
7/10 - I was soo bored for most of the day, but literally got so many unwanted tasks done, and then going out made me feel better.
Energy:
34% - being bored
33% - doing random chores
33% - going outside, running errands
