10/4/25 - I’m a spider right now, but I need to be a lion-dragon.

Last night I fell asleep feeling super overwhelmed. I didn’t understand who I was, how I made others feel, and what I could do.

I woke up from a scary dream where there were a bunch of spiders everywhere. Like huge hairy spiders and I was with a group of people. But I was the main person leading everyone to get away from them.

The spiders didn’t directly do anything. But they were just so huge, scary, and big that the moment I saw them my heart raced, and I felt a huge presence near me. Like they could just come at me anytime and engulf me. All I wanted to do was get away.

When the smaller spider walked away super fast, I was able to get away but it was still so scary to see how fast it moved. More so, even if they didn’t do anything, I just knew its capabilities.

Every time we moved rooms, we would see bigger spiders.

One of them was literally on top of us on the chandelier. It was just soooo big. When it was coming down we were so scared. Again it didn’t do anything but he was so stiff and just almost looked like it could be ready to attack any minute. Even when it was gently being brought down with a light fixture, it was still scary having it be over us.

I woke up super scared… and it suddenly hit me. Maybe this is how my friend feels around me. Maybe in my dream, my friend is me.

And i’m the big hairy spiders. And after thinking more about it… that is me. Everything I was having a crisis about yesterday.

Even the caring side. Spiders made webs and protect those on the webs. They’re actually really motherly. The legs are feminine but just their overall aura is so scary because they make it well known that they’re powerful externally.

Them being in the room is danger enough which explains why everyone wants to get away from me. And I feel like I repel instead of magnetize. When I want something I literally will get it. Like a spider.

When a spider creates, it also creates something so magical that you can’t help but be so intrigued by it, especially if you look closely.

All this time I was deathly afraid of something, not knowing literally im the spider.

I then started comparing other people to bugs/animals to figure out whey I got along with some and didn’t with other. J is a grasshopper. B is a caterpillar. K is a worm. S is a koala. M is a swan.

J isn’t scared of me because she’s just as big with her personality. B isn’t scared cause she can co-live with me. She moves forward no matter who is in front of her, and that says more about her than me. She’s always up for a challenge. S doesn’t care who comes to her, she’s just doing her own thing. Lmfaooo I even dressed like a spider in black yesterday.

It all slowly started making sense. I literally have been seeing spiders everywhere recently too. That too just stuck on their webs. Not creating, not doing anything but being a presence.

I notice it and then I can’t unnotice. No matter how big or small. But it always catches me off guard, and I can’t wait to get away from it. Lmao even my eyes are spider-like now that I think about it.

What makes me a spider isn’t the way I look. It’s the guard I have. I’m so scared of being an ant and getting stepped over that my aura is scary and overwhelming like a spider. And this recently got more intense because like a spider knows it can kill, I know I can too. I have that inner confidence. Before I was an ant and didn’t know I had it in me to even kill. Now I do, and with having that confidence and also exuberating it, makes me so scary. That’s why my other friend is scared of me. She knows what I’m capable of too, and the fact that I can just kill and go fast any time scares her. Even if it’s just my presence because even my presence is exuberting that fear.

I’m so used to being ignored and alone, that I would have to overextend just to get some attention. And sure before it was fine to some level because I was an ant and if an ant tries to get attention, you don’t get scared. It works for an ant.

But now I’m so confident that if I continue to overextend to get attention, I literally become a spider.

I can’t have the same external presence if I’ve internally changed. All of a sudden everything my chart was saying makes sense to me of just showing up in a room knowing you have the power to kill. I just misunderstood it as unapologetically being myself, but that’s not what it is because I’m still performing.
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Anyways I couldn’t sleep after this and woke up told my best friend I was a spider but she didn’t have coffee yet, so she wasn’t getting it.

We cleaned up, I showered, and left. We got some coffee and drove home. Throughout the whole way I was still trying to explain this to her but she just wasn’t getting it. I’m pretty sure she thought I was crazy, but it honestly felt like a breakthrough for me.
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At home, i chilled for a bit with my mom and went through all my camera pictures too. We watched TV and ate. The pictures looked so good and I was so excited to post them. I ended up going to sleep until 7:30pm and then woke up, chilled, and attempted to journal but was just super excited and kept going back to my IG drafts.

After I woke up, I was trying to figure out what animal I would be if I was calm and collected. Like I’m a spider now, but what am I supposed to be when I’m grounded?

A lion just doesn’t seem right because lions aren’t super creative or vulnerable. I feel like me faking my strength just isn’t me. I ended up spending a decent amount of time actually trying to figure it out.

Did some ChatGPTing and decided I was a lion-dragon. Lions move so slowly, nothing about them is performing fear. They just know they’re a lion. A spider is performing. The body, the eyes, the legs being stiff, the pace.

A dragon has fire in her and collects the heat until she’s able to let out a huge fire. The fire is my creativity and personality. Right now, first of all I’m still going up to people, and using the heat. That’s where all the leaky energy is happening with my magic.

I’m trying to force connection, but performing. I think I have to let people see my personality in order to like me.

But I’m at a point, where literally me walking into a room chill says it all. Like a lion.

My chart kept saying act like you own the room, and what I thought it meant was slowing it externally too. But it actually just meant internally thinking like it’s my room.

Similar to how I am in my own room. I’m just chill because it’s my room. There’s no level of performing.

Anyways, did journaling and went to sleep.

Intuition - I feel like I had a breakthrough today and it all just makes sense.

10/10 - I feel like the clarity I got today is so transformative. Just need to implement too.

Energy:
60% - Making sense of my newfound clarity
20% - Resting
20% - Being creative with my pictures