10/5/25 - Stillness is not danger.

Woke up at night and just had two goals for today. I wanted to get my wedding photo dump posted and catch up on my journals.

Decided I wanted to chill in bed, so started Gilmore Girls. Watched it and then wrote a bit more of my journal.

I started thinking about stillness. I need to literally just walk into a room and not feel the need to say anything. Just like I’m walking in my room being chill. And stillness is different than not being myself. Because the thing that gets me out of lion mode is trying to activily engage myself in a conversation. That’s when I think of jokes a coping mechanism to prove myself, and then if I hold it in and don’t say anything, I’m not being myself.

That’s performing because I’m somehow chasing. A lion is just so chill, it’s not thinking of jokes. Somehow thinking of myself has animals really gets me in the aura. I get it. How I should be.

Stillness is where I hold my energy to be able to let out a fire later. I used to think of stillness as being invisible. But now I think of stillness as being seen.

Out of nowhere in the two days, i feel like i really learned what my birth chart was saying about anchoring. How to anchor my power. How to anchor stillness. It made sense.

Ate lunch with mom, watched TV with her, and then watched another episode and took a nap. After my nap, I started getting this anxiety of my mind overthinking and feeling a bit of uneasyness. I needed to not procrastinate and post my pictures.

Started to overthink and that’s when I had to realize that I wasn’t acting like a lion. I wasn’t chill. I was running around like a dog. I wasn’t chill. And I was trying to find ways to ground myself because I knew once I was chill, the creativity would flow on its own. And I would have fun with it.

So tried to chill out for a bit, but then started working on my photo dump. I wasn’t trying to make it perfect. I just wanted to post it so I could post the rest of my pictures tomorrow.

Finally did it, and then ordered some Uber Eats. I got thai food today. After that I watched TV for a bit, and took a gummie. Now just journaling.

Somewhere thoughout the day, I started finding clarity in even more things.

I started thinking about how I can be okay with stillness when it’s just a conversation between me and someone else and they get quiet. That’s where I lose my control and lose my stillness..

I’ve always wondered why people get quiet around me. For me it gets awkward and I have to force myself to create conversation. But I’m trying to think of it in terms of my relationship with V. All I wanted was stillness when I was with him. I remember this one time we went to dinner, and his energy was just so high that I needed a minute to settle in. It was me trying to catch up and that silence was important. But he thought it was awkward, so he would try to make conversation that it was just so hard for me to keep up that I would feel anxious and overwhelmed. All I wanted in the moment was for him to relax. His energy was just too much for me. I wanted the ability to talk to him when I wanted to and then have the conversation flow slowly.

The only time I got that silence was when we would watch TV while eating because it would allow me to take it slow and talk when I could talk.

Maybe people need time to adjust to aura.

Intuition - Today feels like another breakthrough day. Two days ago I thought I wasn't forward and now I think I am.

8/10 - Had a little anxiety for getting things done but I’m trying to find even more ways to come back to being chill even when I need to get things done.

Energy:
50% - learning stillness and stopping my mind from overthinking
25% - posting
25% - resting