10/3/25 - Crisis, wedding & reception

Woke up at 5:15am and just felt so sleep deprived. While getting ready, I really started having a whole crisis. I realized I went back to all my habits again. Right when I thought things were going to get good for me and I just needed to have trust. I thought things were mending with my friends, nope. They still dislike me. I think the other new girls don’t like me too. The one that was hanging with us was probably only hanging out because she didn’t want to be lonely. We were like her last option. Me being me can’t see someone alone, so still took on the charity case. My other friend lied to me. I didn’t think she would lie to me, so my whole intuition was off. And on top of that, I think my mom’s a burden again because she locked herself out. I was still scared to take pictures outside with everyone seeing me, so I’m not even unapologetically being myself. I’m also still performing to be noticed.

In that moment, it felt like I was right back to where I started. This whole time I thought this week would be the week things would finally move for me to realize nope. I failed all my tests. I felt like giving up. That maybe I really was delusional this whole time maybe good things just aren’t in the books for me. Maybe my dream guy and being magnetic was just an illusion. Even if it’s science, maybe I’ll just never get there.

I literally just felt so defeated to the point I couldn’t even fully explain the feeling. It was just like a silent sadness. Grief. Confusion. Disappointment.

I started talking to it about my best friend and was like when will our time come. She said you are living your dreams, which I kind of am. I’m living my college dreams. Like I literally have my dream job, so she’s not wrong. And the guys I dated before aren’t my people, so I didn’t miss out on anything there.

But just still felt so sad and defeated. It wasn’t even loneliness. I’m genuinely so happy for my friend getting married. I’m not jealous at all. I could never get married right now.

After a little meltdown, I went downstairs to get a pen and paper and wrote my friend’s wedding letter on paper. The one I wrote on my phone the night before.
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Anyways, we finished getting ready. I curled my hair. The new girl also came. Our sarees were looking a little weird, so we went downstairs to find an aunty to get it fixed. Somehow ended up in the room where my friend’s kaki’s were in and they helped put on the sarees the right way.

The hotel breakfast was up too, so we grabbed some food. The new girl and me were alone and I kind of felt a bit of anxiety to keep the conversation going. I was overextending myself and just wasn’t grounded or calm internally.

The bride was running behind schedule. We were supposed to take pictures at 7am and it was already 8am, so everyone was just waiting. I went over my curled pieces and somehow we started talking about dating. The new girl told me how she met her person and all.

We finally went downstairs for the first look and my bride friend just looked soooo beautiful. She was glowing. After a couple of bridal party pictures, I went outside with the new girl and we got something light to eat again. I couldn’t find my best friend, so went back inside and that’s when I saw her helping the bride. Out of nowhere the bride wanted to go to the bathroom, and needed helping carrying the lengha, so we ended up helping her. When we got to the bathroom, she needed more hands, so we were all just carrying it while she was taking a shit lmao. It was such a fun memory picture.

Since the groom was delayed, the bride just needed to wait in the room, so we ended up taking pictures and fixing her lipstick. At one point, it was just me and her. Tbh she was extremely chill and relaxed. I feel like I would be having an anxiety attack if I were her. I did wonder where my other friend was. The maid of honor, and was internally like great, she’s about to hate me even more once she knows I’m hanging out with the bride. For some reason, she always thinks I’m trying to take her spot.

My take on my friend is that she’s super chill and grounded but she’s scared for the world to see her power. She’s too composed. If she were unapologetically herself, I feel like she would be magnetic. And that’s where we always clashed. I don’t care and I do what I want to do. I’m so myself. She’s not. She’s afraid to stand out.

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Anyways, we walked outside and the girl who was supposed to take content was like “can you take it from there”. My best friend’s sister. She didn’t even take the right pictures of videos at the sangeet last night, so I was like “okay, if I don’t suck it up and just do this right now, my friend’s not going to get the pictures she wants.” and tbh that sucked for me because it took me out of chill mode to content creator mode. And when I’m in my down to business mode, I’m super direct to get things down. I was annoyed because I didn’t want this and now I’m doing it. Because of this, I started taking “lead” again. And started telling people what to do. Before walking in, I had some jokes in me, but I feel like I said it to the wrong person, so it didn’t land well. It felt more out of pocket rather than funny. We did our bridemaid’s walks and go seated. Somehow I was in the first row for bridemaid’s, so I got in content mode again. Throughout the wedding, I tried bringing myself back to me, but just couldn’t.

After the ceremony, we went to go eat and were waiting for pictures. I realized I had a stain on my sari, so I was hiding a bit. The photographer uncle was not creative, so after taking our bridesmaid video, I literally told the uncle to take a picture of the groom kissing the bride on her forehead. In the moment, it felt like work but I knew internally I was doing too much.

After that, we went outside, took a few pictures, and then went back to our room. I literally slept for 2 hours. Then me and my best friend needed to go to the bank to get money for the gift. So we went to both citi and chase bank, and then got some coffee. One of the girls said she needed help to put the saree on and asked me if I knew an aunty, and so I had to get dressed quickly cause I was going to go with her at 5:30pm. I was doing her a favor but was rushing myself like she was doing me a favor because internally I wanted her to like me by showing up for her. Again it didn’t feel right, so I was trying to calm myself in the moment but just couldn’t.

Originally, I was just going to use my old makeup but it didn’t look good, so ended up redoing it and then went downstairs to look for an aunty. The aunty that did my saree did such a good job, and the other girl came to the bathroom too.

After she was done with mine, I went upstairs to go finish getting ready. Since they were late on the pictures again, me and my best friend took our sweet time. I loved my look.

We went downstairs, and I got to meet the new friend’s fiancé. Tbh even though I just met her, I could tell he was right for her.

I got some appetizers and shortly after we did our hype intro. Then took our seats. This time I told myself I wasn’t going to do anything, so I didn’t even touch my phone I was just enjoying the reception for what it was. I caught this guy staring at me but tried to just be myself because I knew he wasn’t my person. Ngl I did like the attention though, like I was finally getting someone’s attention. The whole night my other friend was just taking pictures with my other friends. Like I couldn’t understand why she hated me so much. Why she was always so okay with leaving me out.

I ended up going to the dance floor at the end of the night by myself, but it wasn’t clicking. It almost felt like I was forcing myself in the other group, but I was still having fun. Then the new friend and her fiance came and we were just enjoying ourselves. The other group let my friend, so she came to us - the one who I thought I was finally reconnecting with but was lying to me. Like she came to me when she had no one else. The whole other group of girls were also leaving out the new girl and I didn’t like that.

My best friend had already left, so I went back upstairs after a bit got the gift cards, and came downstairs. That’s when I saw everyone drinking, including the guy that was staring at me but he didn’t come up to me. I took a picture with the bride and then went back upstairs.

After a while, I told my best friend about what happen on the dance floor. After a while, she agreed to take pictures of me, so I randomly felt like doing a hotel themed photo shoot. Did an iconic one with the phone, mirror, and bed. Then we went downstairs and got more pictures.

After coming back up, I literally had a whole meltdown again and asked my friend what about me was so off-putting. Like why? And she said the craziest thing. She said I was like V. And I got exactly what she meant. When I was with him, the only thing I needed him to do was just chill. He was talented in every way, but he just felt too demanding and controlling because of it. He was the best when he let me come to him.

I just felt sad and confused. Like how do I stop being annoying but also be myself. Like the morning, I was just left so confused. Also about the friend, I didn’t know if he was her problem that she couldn’t stand my presence of if I was doing something wrong. At the reception, I didn’t say a single word and see still gave the aura that she was ignoring me. My best friend said I need to be nicer, but that’s also not me. That feels like people pleasing, so literally what do I do. Also, the new girl was chill and no one even talked to her, she was literally left out the whole weekend.

On the bright side, I didn’t feel drained at all this weekend. I just felt confused.

But I really thought if I just fully unapologetically owned who I was, I would magnetize. But I don’t feel that, instead I feel like I’m repelling people. And the way I know something off is that it’s new people too, not just old people. I still don’t feel grounded or in flow.

Intuition - idk

5/10 - I felt so hurt. Like I just wanted to go home.

Energy:
25% - feeling out of balance
25% - feeling so sad
25% - in work mode to get content
25% - staying present & happy for my friend