9/27/25 - Where the fuck are my blessings?
First off, right when I’m writing this I see 222 as the time.
Last night, I saw a random video saying your huge blessing is coming to you no matter what next week. You can rot in bed or stay motivated. It’s coming.
And I started sobbing. Because I didn’t realize how frustrated I was and all of a sudden I woke up and just blew up too.
Like for the past year and a half, I’ve literally done all the hard work. I’ve faced my shadows, faced my fears, gone out of my comfort zone, etc. All all that’s been happening is I’ve been losing things. Money, people, etc.
NOTHING HAS ACTUALLY COME TO ME. For almost 2 years, and I’ve just been patient. But now, I’m done because where the fuck is it. Up until now, I was like I know it’s coming to me and maybe I’m not the person that is worthy of receiving it yet.
But now, I’m like no. I deserve it. I am ready. I’ll never be perfect, and that’s okay. Like the fear stuff is a work in progress. I’m not just going to wake up one day and have no fear. I just need to have the strength that alignment is never fear. And I already have that. The fear will come and go.
Now, I’m demanding for my blessings. Because not a single ounce of blessings in 2 years is crazy. March 2024, getting approved for work from home was probably my last blessing and maybe getting my documents right on time march 2025. But the documents should have been like life. They shouldn’t have been delayed to begin with. So like bruh I’ve just been healing and healing.
I ate lunch, and out of nowhere I saw a tiktok of some aunty making dhokla in Gujarati and blew up on my mom too because all she has is excuses. She finds every reason not to do something. After crying again, went back in my room.
I told her to just try, nowhere she films it is fine, just come to me with something and I’d help her, perfect it.
After yelling at her, idk if that’s what the universe was also telling me too. I was waiting for momentum and I’ve been posting random stuff, but maybe the universe wants me to keep posting and trying for my own page because it helps me perfect and blow up. I’m not even posting right now.
For me though - literally I post something on my work page and got 300k views like it was nothing. Once got even 17M views. But for my own stuff, I can barely keep 140 followers.
My work stuff feels so much more effortless and aligned. Meanwhile, I feel resistance with my own stuff. Like it’s just not hitting.
Regardless though, I still posted my AI trend from yday and said f it.
And after 2 hours, she actually came back to me with a raw recording. Which I’m so proud of because I don’t expect it to be perfect. I just wanted her to try and now she’s recording things. She recorded two videos. I could tell she was nervous.
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Lately, I’ve been feeling like all the messages I yell at my mom are messages I secretly need to yell at myself, too.
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Showered & went on my walk. Listened to music for a bit, but it wasn’t hitting. Then started a podcast about fear, which was interesting. It’s about how your brain actually registers signals of what’s going to happen next, but you reason it out.
Came home and ate, watched TV with mom, and am determined to catch up on any of my missed journals. It’s been weighing on me. Caught up on all of them. Just need to catch up on work now too.
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The ex social media girl also texted me earlier today, and I can tell she doesn’t hate me, so that’s good. Knowing I can have clean energy with people I fire too.
Intuition - I’m frustrated because my blessings are on the border and I can feel it, and I just want it.
8/10 - I’m frustrated and just like wtf. Because my personal content isn’t taking off. Almost like the universe doesn’t want me to blow up just yet.
Energy:
80% - angry + crying
20% - calm but I don’t want to be calm
