2/24/26 - Fear of no longer waiting for my blessings

This morning, the realtor messaged back saying the other tenant’s previous lease or something just didn’t work out. Part of me is a little skeptical, and the other part is like maybe it was meant for me this whole time, at the right time. Idk I’ll let my body make the decision. If I walk in, and feel the same expansion feeling, I’ll say yes. If I no longer feel the same, I’ll say no.

My brain wants to make sure I fact check everything and make the right decison. My heart and body doesn’t care. In fact, I want to just trust my nervous system.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually feel the fear of getting everything I prayed for and no longer waiting.

So until now, I was upset nothing was working out for me, so I randomly made moves to align.

I messaged a photographer and she said yes and then I got nervous for my mood boards and now I’m nervous for the actual shoot because she’s experienced. And normally if I’m nervous my anxious attachment overcomes, but this time I’m trying to stay calm and grounded and just feel the anxiety but not let it overcome me.

Same with the new house. I kept wondering why I wasn’t able to find a house that I liked. I even put in an application 2 months ago for that place I liked. Technically, I’m approved, so if I say yes now, I can move any minute.

I’m nervous, it’s like things that felt blocked are now moving in full momentum.

My desires felt safe while they felt like ideas and desires, and now I’m nervous now that it’s actually all happening.

Chat thinks it’s a fear of capability and visibility. I’m subconsciously asking myself if I can hold that version of my life.

I’m telling myself change is not in danger. Usually, I want something and it’s backed by deep desire and urgency. Like I liked the place, applied, and if I got it then it would be backed by feelings. 

This time I liked the place, applied, didn’t initially get it, now got it. So I’ve had time to sit with it but I overall could never stop thinking about it. I actually was like wow I felt so free in that house. I wonder if I’m going to find anything like it again. It felt so right. 

So now there’s so intense feelings backing the decision. It almost feels scarier and more real. Like sitting with the decision in stillness instead of letting momentum block my fear.  

I think my body is learning how to choose depth. There’s no “omg this place is so great I have to have it right now. Because it’s beautiful or something”

When I stepped in, it just felt like mine. There was depth. 

That’s how I expect my person to feel like. Where my body recognizes something and I still want it but I’m okay not chasing it. I just keep thinking about it and know it’s mine.
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After I verbalized all this, my anxiety calmed down. I’ve been trying to find a red vintage car for my photoshoot, but it’s not really working out. The guy is asking for too much money, but I’m trying to take “my money” out of the equation and just treat this like a business. If this was for work, would I think it’s worth it enough to spend money on it. Probably yes. So then whatever, I have to be okay with spending money as an investment. Also, in my new rich life, I did say my photoshoots and fashion was something I was okay with spending money on.

Plus, a strategic way for this is if my pictures come out good, I can do product placement and sell my pictures to the brands too. But idk I don’t want to dilute the creativity just to be money minded. I’m doing this for me, and for me $300 is nothing. I’m already getting the photographer for free. Ngl part of me is like if I’m spending $300 on the car, should I just spend more and get a better photographer who can execute the vision? Idk

Then I rememebered - what ever happens in my life happens for a reason. Maybe I’m meant to do this shoot with this new photographer cause she carries the frequency.

Last night, the seattle photographer delivered pictures, and they were perfect. I was so stuck on getting another photographer for the seattle event, and the girl I ended up hiring was perfect. She delivered my exact vision for the most part and I’m happy with the results. Meanwhile, the other dude still hasn’t answered. In this moment, what I thought was right for me wasn’t. The universe gave me better.

Mom and went to go get our fasting food, and then ate. She’s still feeling a bit weak.

Then rest of the day, I tried dabbling with the photos to see which ones I’m going to post. I also need to add watermarks to all the photos so was trying to figure out how to do that.

I ended up figuring out the posting photos, faster than usual. I just let my heart decide.

BUT this whole watermark thing was so annoying. I tried on photoshop but it got too hard, and then I did it on Canva for the photos I was going to post but then realized that the quality downgraded, so now I’m overwelhmed because I want to get them posted but don’t know how to make sure this watermark shows up properly in every photo, while it remains high quality.

Exhausted overall from this. Need to wake up early tomorrow because I switched my mom’s doctor’s appointment. A little worried about her.

Overall, I have been super lazy to journal. Kind of behind on it too.

Curiosity - How to get the watermark on the photos, trying to book a vintage car

Joy - The perfect carousel of pictures from the event

7/10 - Tired

Energy:
25% - realizing I’m a little nervous for expansion
50% - trying to get the watermark logo
25% - picking the perfect pictures to post