2/19/26 - Stability before universal help, Crashout

I felt so much more confident today because I finally trust whatever however it comes out of my mouth. In the morning, got my employee’s raise approved too.

After that had a call with my boss and after so long, I wasn’t resentful or looking at him like he was stupid or was performing to be mean. I allowed myself to say whatever I felt like saying at that time.

And with no shame, I was honest about my working style. I told him I like working in secrecy, which he already kind of knows. I don’t really announce everything I do or over-explain. I kind of just move my own way. Keeping tabs on me or micro-managing me limits my creativity. I’m already moral. I don’t just sit and do nothing long-term. If I truly feel like I’m done with the company, I’ll leave on my own. I don’t force myself to be in places I don’t want to be. Life is too short.

Anyways, I also think I’m nicer because a couple of days ago, I decided to humble myself and realized I can’t look at everyone like they’re stupid. I just have to accept they’re on their own path and timeline. That’s how I’ll stay humble and mind my own business.

Then had a call with my other influencer employee. She basically told me how she was giving suggestions to our social media guy but he wasn’t taking it. So I slowly but directly had to explain to her that she was overwhelming him, and it wasn’t because she was doing anything wrong, it’s because he hadn’t found his footing yet with social media. When you aren’t anchored, then suggestions overwhelm people. It becomes noise. That’s why I had to leave her on her own for a couple of months, so she could find her own stability first. Now, I can come back and work with her and give her suggestions and it won’t overwhelm her. Same with if she gives me and the other girl on my team ideas, it doesn’t overwhelm us because we have our own stability. I didn’t tell her this but basically wanted to explain to her she wasn’t “too much”.

Sometimes, the stuff that comes out of my mouth is like perspective for me too. With my exes, it was never that I was too much even with the whole emotions thing. It’s that they never had their stability, I would feel overwhelming to them.

I transferred a few Hanumankind concert tickets too. The influencer girl’s boyfriend was going to the event.

At the end of the night, my cousin whose house warming I didn’t go to messaged me saying he’s proposing to his girlfriend. Which is crazyyy because I feel like I played a huge role. I’m the one that told him to go to therapy. He was so bitter before, and then hooked him up with DM, and then front the first time he told me about her, I told him she looks like she’s the one. I kind of just know. It’s always the people that look a bit like each other, that are soulmates.

I was going to rest and not walk but felt activated, so needed to burn off some energy and got my steps in. Also, started some random show to decompress.

Found out Mcsteamy from Grey’s Anatomy died at 53. He was literally so young and still looked so good.

Anyways, right after - I ended up having a whole crash out because it felt like the world was moving for EVERYONE. Especially through my hands… like I feel like I’m the turning point in so many people’s lives.

I got my employee a 30% raise without her having to fight for it, again I hired a girl in the worst economy who needs to be sponsored from one call without looking at her resume (very unread of), and I helped my cousin who gave up on love find his soulmate.

Like I know life can open doors and give, so the crash out came from… why the hell is life not matching me. I give soooo much to other people from overflow without any strings, like where is the mirror for me. Where is my luck? Where are my doors opening? Why the fuck has my life been on pause. I was just sooo sad on why my life wasn’t expanding. Devasted.

Chat said I have been getting blessings. Internal blessings. Finding my voice and confidence back is hugee, which i do agree. I really did upgrade internally. And then remembered what I told my influencer girl.

Stability first, then help can come in. If help comes in before stability, there is no stability, only co-dependence or noise. So chilled out for a couple of minutes, but still felt like something was blocked.

Anyways, I’ve been having an urge to be creative and I’ve just been following a bunch of creatives. My brain is activated.

I didn’t want to eat too much, so i’ve been nibbling on random things the whole day.

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Side note - I also realized my body now responds faster than my brain. Like it just clocks when I’m supposed to be mean, nice, careful before my brain even gets to it. Which is kind of cool and that’s why I just need to trust whatever however things come out of my mouth. It’s from embodiment.

Curiosity - why the f my life isn’t expanding

Joy - My cousin who stopped believing in love is proposing, my confidence is back too

Intuition - Everything is happening when it’s meant to happen, even though it feels sooo hard. To be fair, I did just get my voice confidence back yday so I am still learning and stabilizing.

6/10 - Felt happy for everyone else but a little sad for myself

Energy:
60% - crashout
30% - Happy I felt confident
10% - happy for everyone else