2/18/26 - I trust my delivery, got my voice back

Last night, I read something about how if I get someone else involved, because I’m too scared to say what I need to say, then I’m being avoidant. So me bringing my coworker into the Seattle guy email thread is me being avoidant.

Low and behold, the seattle dude emailed me something so passive-aggressive right in the morning. During my marketing call, I don’t know what came over me but I decided enough was enough. No more being nice, and emailed him back with a stern tone, extactly how my inital email to him came out. This time I only used chat gpt to check grammar not to soften the delivery. I didn’t overly say hey or thanks or anything. I wanted him to know he was being annoying and I didn’t care.

And then again during and after my call, I just didn’t give a shit, I said what I needed to say.

The guy answered back, basically finally shutting up.

I felt soooooo alive and relieved. Like I’ve been freed after years of voice capacity and I could just say whatever I wanted to say. I also felt so powerful.

For a while, I edit everything I said and rehearsed all because I didn’t trust myself to have “nice” delivery. I know I’m overall a very blunt and direct person.

Chat said I’m not scared to be rude. I’m afraid of being powerful and disliked.

Before everything, I said was emotionally charged and reactive because I wasn’t grounded. Now, I am grounded because I’m embodied. I don’t have to be neutral anymore. Today, I finally realized I can say things however I feel like I want to say them. Mad, happy, annoyed. My baseline is already grounded and not reactive. And being grounded doesn’t mean being neutral for the rest of my life; sometimes you have to put people in check because that’s what carries my frequency, when I say things the way I want to say it.

And after years… I finally trust the delivery of what I need to say, no matter how it comes out. Stern, happy, unhinged. Whatever. And it feels soooo soooo freeing. I finally feel like my throat chakra just opened up.

It feels relief. It feels like power. It feels like a force. It feels like me. I feel stabilized. 

There’s no conviction in what I need to say. No ifs and buts. It just lands directly.

Ate lunch, and watched TV with mom. I was supposed to go on a walk outside and then go see a house but got lazy and canceled. Took a nap instead.

Then got 8k steps in, made a chicken grilled cheese and also started reading the alchemist.

Last night, I also started a new app that teaches a word everyday. I’m trying to increase my vocabulary.

I also recorded myself talking and it came out sooo much better because I finally feel like I’m not performing. Editing emails and slack messages is performing. I’m trying to perform being nice when all I want to do is be blunt. That’s being fake.

Joy - Feeling such a high from saying whatever I feel like saying and finally not caring how it’s being received.

Curiosity - sending a non-filtered email, learning a new word, starting a new book

Intuition - I needed things to FINALLY fully be myself.

10/10 - I FEEL LIKE I GOT MY VOICE BACK. Like I could cry. Similar to how I felt when I could dance again.

Energy:
50% - unfiltering what I need to say
50% - resting