2/10/26 - Being the regulator all along
I’ve been putting on rain sounds to go to sleep for years now. It just helps my brain shut down, reminds me that I don’t need to do or think about anything else in the moment, helps me visualize cozziness and just overall regulates me. I stopped for a yearish but then started again recently.
Out of nowhere, I remembered I did this with N too. I’m the one who introduced this to so many people. And then it just hit me wait what the hell I was the regulator with him the whole time. When I first met him, I was the calm/grounded one. I wasn’t trying to date back then because I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship with V, and I stumbled upon N randomly while I was doing some product testing for Coffee Meets Bagel. He was my only swipe and it was so random. A day after matching, we realized we had mutual friends, which made me intrigued. I only went on the date with him from curiosity, not from a place of “oh, he’s my next boyfriend” or “my person”. At that time, I just wanted to date and have fun. In fact, he was the nervous and awkward one. I was calm, grounded, asking questions. And then even after that he was the one that was trying to constantly speed things up, and I kept grounding it because I have a natural phase where I “test” people and that’s when I’m super centered and grounded. Until I was grounded, we were good and grounded. The moment I caught feelings, that’s when I destabilized because back then I couldn’t feel emotions and be grounded at the same time. This is a new learned skill.
That’s when it hit me that holy shit, I was the regulator in all my relationships. Internally, I was just “testing” them and that’s why I was grounded and centered because I didn’t give myself fully to them. Externally, I was regulating and moving at my own pace and didn’t let anyone speed up my pace.
It belonged to me all along.
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Spend some time on my mat again just doing random things for a bit and a couple of leg lifts, so day 2 of at least getting to my yoga mat.
Worked for a bit, emailed the Seattle guy, put the order for the new sweaters in, and then went to shower.
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My mom and I decided to not watch TV and eat in silence, but that’s when things went wrong. She literally was like “we’re not moving until March 15” in a very demanding way just because of some religious thing. And I flipped out because this was such an unnecessary piece of conversation. I haven’t even found a house yet to move too. And I usually ask her if we are about to move because I respect. Her demanding was so uncalled for. Neither was I going to do anything with the information. I wasn’t going to message my landlord because again it depends on us finding the right house. If we do find the house by end of Feb, then sure I’d make the move in date March 16, and tell my landlord that. If I don’t, then I’d tell my landlord I’m extending by another month.
All this was so unnecessary. She does this every time there’s silence. That’s when she decides to off-load her uncertainty and anxiety. For decisions she’s not even involved in. Like I’m the one that has to do everything AND I do ask her. Even when I’m about to fill out the move-in application, so wtf.
I was so pissed that I didn’t even finish my food. And then she has the audacity to ask me why I eat dinner in my room now. Because it’s peaceful.
Silence is not “space” to talk about anxiety things. It’s time to sit and peace in regulate. She doesn’t understand that.
But this time, I was 10 toes down on my argument because she can’t keep doing this. That’s the reason why her and my dad used to fight so much too. Every time he would sit down, she would just bring up shit that really doesn’t even need to be talked about. Just because she has anxiety and doesn’t like being in the dark. Well she’s not the one doing the work for it. It doesn’t need to be a conversation. Smh sometimes, I feel like I sound like a man and my mom is a wife or something.
Moreso, an argument is valid when a problem is present. There literally is no problem. How are we arguing about a move-in date for a non-existent house.
Ended up going on a quick walk outside. Thought I was going to have my full walk, but it was too cold outside. Came back and walked 30 minutes on my treadmill.
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I’ve also been thinking a lot about things my old boss said to me all the time (things I denied for a long time), just about things like scaling/systems. I really did learn a lot from him, and even though I was highly offended when he first called me reactive, I do get what he meant. The stuff he felt about me is the stuff I literally feel about the new girl on my team. Somehow, he did end up being a silent mentor, even though he barely spent any time with me because I came in after he already sold the company, so he was in his not being a micromanaging era, like I am right now.
I sent the Seattle guy the contract and went to get my second set of steps in. He emailed me some unnecessary edits, which were a bit off-putting. But whatever, made the edits, and then created a playlist of all my favorite songs that I want them to play for the candlelight concert. I was honestly pouring my heart into the playlist. Sometimes, I wonder if people could feel the effort into things I do. Just like a mom’s food just hits different because of the love they pour into it.
On the other note, I haven’t been ghosting or keeping loops open. I’ve been saying clean no’s. Feels lighter instead of ghosting/keeping people in maybes. Before, I felt like I had so many strings open, just because my people-pleasing self couldn’t say no until I was pushed.
Pockets of joy: knowing I was the regulator all along, even if it was unintentional
6/10 - Not happy about my fight with my mom
Intuition - My mom needs to learn the value of silence. Not that I’m her teacher but I really think this is why her and my dad don’t get along.
Energy:
50% - fight with mom
50% - working
