2/11/26 - Need to bring back warmth, handling the “drop”

I think I’ve finally reached a point of internal confidence, where I know who I am and what my vision is without constant reassurance and reminders. It almost feels like “there is nothing else”. It’s just clarity.

At first it was more like, “I know who I am and what my vision is and nothing can come in my way.” But now, it’s more like “I know who I am, and what my vision is and even if there are detours, I trust myself to come back to the path that leads me to the same vision.”

Tbh I’ve had the same basic vision since I could think/speak. Nothing has ever changed, there were only detours here and there but I came back every time. Almost like there’s a main road with small detour paths. Some pretty, some not so pretty, but I always find my way back to the right road to my dreams, and at the end, I still remember the little things I saw like the ponds, jungles, waterfalls during my detours. It’s part of the journey and makes the journey even more special. That’s how I know that if a road looks too narrow to not take it. That’s where the discernment comes from, when initially, I would just take a bunch of random paths because I didn’t which one was the right road.

Now, I kind of feel like the right road is turning into a highway, and I’m trying to speed through it to get to the destination and I’m no longer looking out the window and looking at the little sunrises or trees. Before, I was forced to slow down with the detours. Now, I’m locked in driving, but I also need to bring back the warmth while I’m on the highway. I need to smile, be curious, stop if I want to, notice the birds, feel the warmth, listen to the music, all while being on the highway.
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Last night, I felt my ego inflating a bit, almost like how my old boss used to act. I knew he was insanely smart, but he felt arrogant and cold. Like he knew he was better than everyone else. He also just felt so guarded and cold. Like he had no heart.

I do not want to be that. That’s not who I am. So I need to humble myself and find my warmth in my confidence, like the whole highway analogy.

The ego is coming from me being on my highway, and knowing my path, while everyone just brings in noise right now. My mom trying to use religious fear to control me, like it controls her. It doesn’t work on me anymore, and I don’t have energy to explain it to her. So it feels arrogant because I give the energy of “I’m so above this tactic.” I still deeply believe in god but god possibily can’t come from fear anymore. It just doesn’t feel right. And again even though I don’t have the whole god being horizontal instead of vertical figured out, but I do know that god is love, growth and intelligence. Not fear and punishment.

My mom had me convienced that my dad got separated from us because he was being punished. That for the longest I feel like it was a subconscious chokehold and fear of god. Like if I ate chicken on the wrong day or stopped praying would god punish me too? or accidently made the wrong mistake?

But again. Not sustainable. That’s possibly can’t be god.

My team brings up ideas that I thought of years ago. Like they’re on their “detours and giving me finds from them” like wow there’s a pond here, when I’ve been there and done that detour a long time ago. But I don’t feel like telling them all that, or it doesn’t make sense for them to take the detour when I know what’s on it, especially since it’s a business, so I kind of come off cold, arrogant, and aloof. Just like how my old boss came off as when I first started. He had already been through the detours. But he didn’t feel like explaining it to me too because he had just sold the company before I started so he was trying to conserve his energy and come off of survival too. Just like I am right now. In that moment, all I wanted to do was learn from him, and like I said yesterday, the little stuff he really said to me stuck with me. All of it.

Maybe the sweet spot is, when I have energy, to listen to what they have to say and calmly give my advice. But I need to pick and choose if I should let them figure it out on their own, guide them, or offer feedback.

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I woke up and sent the Seattle guy the new contract edits from yesterday and then I see his text say “Time sensitive - call me”. I straight up was like “I have meetings back to back. I’ll call at 4.”

First of all - I hate it when people text me work things. That’s why I always email them back. My phone is my time. Sadly, I don’t have a work phone. It’s my personal phone number, so people making my personal life work pisses me off because then it annoys me that I have unread messages.

Second of all - I knew it was a false sense of urgency for me at least. He literally just texted saying they needed to make a slight change to the title. Like clearly, if you texted it a minute later and I answered saying “sounds good”, it didn’t need to be a phone call or branded as “urgent”. The audacity to make me stop everything I’m doing to attend to you. I don’t even care if I’m not doing anything. Having that level of entitlement over someone’s time, when it’s actually not urgent urgent is rude. When I used to people please and self abandon, this didn’t feel like a big deal. But now someone thinking they have entitlement over my time feels like a huge deal. And I’m glad two weeks ago I learned that “your urgency is not my urgency” because now it puts things into perspective.

Both of these things just felt like he was crossing my boundaries. And the more anchored I’m becoming to my own pace, the more people want to create a false sense of urgency for me. When I mean anchored, that’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m anchoring to the ground, while people are trying to push the boat for absolutely no reason.

His energy was starting to feel a bit on edge. He went from being super excited, telling me “have a terrific day” and all to now kind of cold. I’m pretty sure he kind of felt a bit rejected that I’m not matching his energy. But I also don’t feel like saying “have a terrific day too” just to match his energy with everything. That’s not me. So I stayed anchored. That’s when it hit me, this is the part that I feel like I always “lose”. The drop.

Because when they change tone and attitude, I kind of feel rejected too. Almost like mhm, why aren’t they chasing me anymore.

But chat explained this in a good way, when I’m anchored, two things can happen:

a. people become anchored too, especially if they’re okay with a secure pace and we both just answer each other without spikes.
b. their ego gets hurt and they become a bit edgy and cold cause they take me being anchored as me being rude to not match their energy.

I kind of need to get used to feeling a drop. Anyone that is overly excited when meeting me or is fascinated by me will face a drop when I stay anchored. It’s almost like when you meet your celebrity crush and you’re super excited and they’re anchored, so you feel a drop because you want them to match your energy and say things like “omg, thank you” but instead they act like they don’t care that you love them. Not saying I’m a celebrity, but this is why love bombing never works. Spikes are spikes. Spikes always come down eventually. A concept that took me 27 years to get.

Anyways, finally the contract was signed, and I sent him the playlist I made yesterday. Then he started tagging us in stuff, expecting us to repost. I haven’t even told my team yet. So again, creating urgency, when I literally told him I’ll send the marketing plan tomorrow. Whatever, I’m still emailing it to him tomorrow.

Showered, ate eggs, made coffee, worked some more, got my steps in, ate chicken that my mom made, and then went to a yoga class.
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I kind of felt iffy because somehow I saw ex V bought this huge house with his wife in Austin. I couldn’t help but think that could have been me. I know I made the right decision but it also feels like a chapter from the midnight library/one of the detours and possible destinations in my route. Would I have been in austin right now? Meanwhile, my life has literally just felt on pause for 2 years. Even though I myself see the insane internal growth, but sometimes I can’t help but just grieve a bit of it.

I know he was never my person. If anything it’s sooooo clear now. Especially the person I’ve become now. We literally wouldn’t have even been able to make it to a marriage. I hated living with him. I would have never ended up in austin with him. The person I want is so different. Plus, yes, I’ve had to just kind of pause and do a lot of internal work for 2 years straight but for some people it takes 15 years to do the same work. I fast-tracked it for myself, and I really do feel like I’m at the end of it now. I feel it in my bones. So if anything, I’m blessed that I was able to, without having to deal with kids or a husband.

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I made my mom coffee, and she made me chicken. We’re not really talking talking but we’re cordial atm. My mind was buzzing in the yoga class from unanswered texts, things I needed to do, my ex-boss, and my lease, so I came home and took melatonin gummies because I desperately just want to go to sleep early and wake up early tomorrow. I don’t want to feel like my day was just working.

Pockets of joy - we got to sleep in hammocks for the sound bath portion of my yoga class. Was a cute, curious part of my day. New.

Intuition - To find my warmth again maybe I just need to slow down even more

5/10 - Felt annoyed and restless for most of the day

Energy:
34% - annoyed
33% - working
33% - yoga