2/9/26 - Ease, need to stop creating strings, people meet me in motion
Couldn’t sleep until late last night, so woke up pretty late too. Spent the first 30 minutes just laying on my yoga mat and let my body do whatever it wanted to do. I did some leg lifts, some toe taps, and just had fun. This to me is a win because I couldn’t even get myself to go on my mat for fun until yesterday. Today there was no anxiety.
Took a shower and washed my hair. Decided I wasn’t going to join my marketing meeting and if my boss asked, I would just straight up tell him, that I need to figure some things out. Getting pretty balsy.
I sent out my email to the candlelight event guy in Seattle. It was basically a list of things we wanted at the event and the money we could offer. I was also super honest and just very direct. You could feel that I wasn’t about to argue over it. I didn’t tell anyone about this event because every time I have to tell people, it adds expectations and just adds pressure to my flow. Another reason why I decided not to attend my marketing meeting.
After sending out the email, I had to create the label design for the attar bottles we’re giving out as a gift for the Eid event. Ate my thai iced tea flavored chia seed pudding that I made last night. It was good. I just think the calories are higher because it’s a bit more condensed milk, so it bit more sugary. But still good. Maybe i can try a healthier version in a couple of days.
Worked some more, and somehow found another vendor to get sweatshirts made that used to same company as our original one and they do bulk shipping, so was figuring that out, but got hungry.
Ate chicken for lunch and watched some TV with mom.
At 4pm, the seattle guy emailed back and said he appreciated how bullshit free I was/gatekeep free. And because he wanted to avoid friction too, he agreed to all my terms, and then asked to hop on a call.
I called him and the call went great. It flowed so well that for a second I was like “wait, is this my person?” and then he said “me and my mom can host you..” lmaooo.
Overall, this event was so frictionless that I felt relief. like FINALLY. a bit suspicious too that what if I got too happy and messed it up. But then I had to put myself in check because no I can’t be afraid of ease. That’s the whole point to why I haven’t gotten it until now. I officially have the container for it. I was the one that was frictionless too. I’m getting the energy I’m giving. It’s time. Basically needed to neutralize this as my new baseline.
I needed a nap cause I was so tired, but couldn’t. Eventually, got my steps in. While I was getting my steps in, I had to stop and be like okay I literally can not keep thinking every guy I remotely connect with is my person. I also don’t have any male presence in my life, so it becomes more obvious in my brain especially when I’m intrigued by someone. At this rate though I’m going to stay scouting forever. Something needs to change.
And then I realized, the problem isn’t I’m curious. I’m a fast processor. That’s always going to happen. The problem is I prematurely “lean towards omg I think he’s my person” every time I ask the question internally, until I get a hard no. Basically, like oh, he’s married. I have boundaries, so I don’t ever make moves. I trust for it to play out if it’s meant for me, but again I can’t lean towards a yes.
Then it also hit me that I do this with everyone. Everyone I find interesting, I give them a “string” and it’s like I need to know where the string leads. What’s their person in my life.
Until now, this really did happen. The universe protected me so hard that before I learned boundaries and discernment, that everyone that I did feel some sort of connection towards or maybe it to a point where I was intrigued, had some purpose.
But now, it’s different, if I’m more visible not everyone that i find interesting is going to lead to someone. Not everyone needs a string. I’m allowed to just leave it as a observation until they become more. “Oh, i find him interesting.” “I like his aura” “He’s calm and comforting”. I need to express not label. I’m also not guarded anymore, so more people are going to make it past my invisible shield too.
Again, the problem is giving all these random people a string and then going crazy over where the string leads in my life. No more of that.
Chat said up until now people gave my life direction. Now they meet me in motion.
That’s why I would create different versions of my life every time I would date someone or if I met someone super interesting, i would somehow attach and see how a life with them in my life would look like. That’s also when I would close a loop with that person/ex, my life would destabilize.
No more of that. I know my vision. I know my life. I know who I officially am. It needs to stay anchored. My momentum, pace, and direction no longer depends on who enters my life.
Just like what I said about my projects. It will happen with or without people. The same way, I know where my life is going, it will happen with or without people.
Worked some more at night. Sent the friday gift cards out. Watched a movie, ate some ice cream and samosas for dinner. Also, looked up the guy later, and he’s definitely not my type. And told my boss after I finalized everything with the guy.
Projects of joy: Finally having a collab happen without friction, having a flow convo with the guy, getting a bunch of work done
Intuition - Finally feel like I have the answer to stay centered when I meet new people
8/10 - Exhausted and busy work day, but got a lot done
Energy:
60% - working
20% - chatting with new people
20% - decompressing
