2/8/26 - Ready in the mess, reclaiming my strength, superbowl
Last night, after feeling like “waiting” just feels wrong now. I felt like I needed momentum.
I might need to push myself too. Especially when it comes to things like starting to weight lift and take on creative hobbies instead of just watching movies and resting. As determined yesterday, I feel like I’m overresting at this point. I want to bring photoshoots back too even if I don’t even have a vision board or have an internal itch to make something happen. I just need to do, instead of think, and let my curiosity lead, instead of a pre-determined vision.
Chat says - I don’t need to wait for certainty. Action will give it to me. It’s time for me to live inside what I’ve built.
Before, when I looked or felt messy, I just wanted to stay hidden. I hoped no one would find me. And when I felt and looked perfect, I hoped everyone would find me. The visibility frequency was off. It’s either I’m a light that’s so dim that no one can see me, or so bright that everyone is blind. Not a consistent light. My visibility was conditional. I decided it’s time for me to be okay with people finding me even when I look messy.
It actually feels like I need to stop waiting for things to be perfect now. To stop waiting to be the best version of myself. Tbh I just needed to get to a point where I wouldn’t abandon myself and can self-contain myself. That’s done. I don’t need to be absolutely perfect. That’s not real. Plus, I’m not even “alive” when I’m perfect. I’m alive when I’m feeling my emotions in the mess.
Chat said - by doing this, I’m no longer managing the gaze or seeking. I’m also learning how to not disappear when I’m imperfect. I stay present.
I took a meltonin gummie in the hopes to wake up early and get my shit together. To start off strong.
Before I fell asleep, I randomly started thinking about type of fears. If it’s coming from my head as “what if” that’s irrational fear. If it’s coming from my stomach, it’s because I’m going to do something new and I’m entering new territory. If it’s coming from my back/shoulders and feels like resistance, then it’s my body actually protecting me and saying “not yet”. I don’t think I’ll ever be “fearless” but it’s important to know where the fear is even coming from, so I know if it’s protection or expansion.
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Ended up waking up at 6am, but felt so restless because I’m used to getting 8-9 hours of sleep. 6 felt like I could sleep a bit more, so I tried going back to sleep, and started randomly thinking about how women lose their spark when they become a part of their husband’s dream. Sure, it can be a shared dream but both individuals need their own dreams and goals too. To be proud of themselves. There was this one influencer who gave such “a baddie” aura, she was on a roll, and now she’s just a part of her boyfriend’s company. I’m sure she’s really helping him too, but the aura is definitely gone. The boyfriend looks like he’s glowing even more because there is momentum in his dream. Feel like this happens with married women all the time. They give up their dreams to bring momentum to their husband’s dreams for the “family” and it just kills their aura and confidence. Everyone needs to have their own thing going on too to never lose their center.
Went back to sleep, after imagining myself being in bali sleeping in a open wood thing, with rain falling on the outside.
Ended up waking up at like 11am, and was so hungry that I showered and made eggs and coffee. Initially, I thought I was going to get ready and go to the mall to get some nespresso pods, but after breakfast, I ended up feeling like going would be unnecessary. Like I would drain myself, so I asked myself what I needed to do, and just ended up ordering my pods online, which ended up working out in my favor because Nespresso was doing $10 off this week when you placed an order for the first time on the app. Also, saw an IG reel on psyllium husk, so ordered it to try it out.
My one goal for today was to do some lifting. And I really wasn’t doing anything. I also had 2 hours before the Super Bowl was going to start. But I literally just couldn’t get up. There was so much resistance.
I have anxiety lifting. I used to go to Pilates classes and did everything but that would tear muscles and keep me sore for days. And I feel too intimidated to start at home. Even though I have a basic plan and really want to. Getting my steps in and walking is easy for me. It’s almost mindless and fun at this point.
The pressure of really having mind to muscle, pushing even when it feels hard and doing it correctly just all feels overwhelming.
That’s when said it’s “nervous-system resistance”. My nervous system doesn’t trust effort. It doesn’t trust resistance. That’s why forced things don’t work for me.
I want to teach my body that resistance and effort are safe now. It doesn’t mean I’m being pulled out of safety. I’m choosing this. I’m still intact.
While getting my steps in, I realized where this is all coming from. I’ve always been super strong, against my will. When I was little, I had to carry heavy laundry bags because my mom was busy working and I needed to do the laundry for us after my dad left. Literally would spend my sundays carrying heavy bags to the laundromat. And then I learned to carry heavy grocery bags because my mom was old and in pain and there was no one else to carry them. In my old apartment, we lived 2 long flights of stairs up. Same with my suitcases, no one would help me so I have to learn how to carry heavy things on my own. Me carrying something comes with the memory of me not growing up with a father figure or brother or something. Strength was survival for me too. In those moments, I hated my life. I remember being so angry on why I never had anyone to lean on and would have to just suck it up and do things, even when they were so heavy. As for my core. I would keep it strong to brace my trauma or bad things happening in my life. I’ve always just had to be physically strong because of trauma.
Almost wanted to cry when I realized why I’ve been feeling so much resistance to just building strength. My nervous system remembers it as a tough time in my life. That’s also why my cortisol spikes. It’s not that I can’t do it. Even in work out classes. I’m actually already pretty strong, but my cortisol spikes, so it’s never been effective in losing weight or actual getting toned.
I’m grieving how effort was taken from me before I even had a choice. Most people decide on their own when they want to get stronger. I was forced.
The only way I’m going to actually rewire strength training is by not scheduling and forcing. I have to introduce play.
Even in my weight loss journey, the only thing that actually worked was walking. Walking was slow, curious, fun, testing my boundaries, exploring, and processing. And now I dance while walking too so it’s fun and mindless.
The memory of me doing pelvic leg lifts as a child keeps popping up randomly recently. And now I know the exact answer. When I was little, I used to be obsessed with doing pelvic leg lifts. It was just so fun to me. I need to think about that phase again, where testing my strength was fun. Not when I was forced to carry laundry bags and heavy groceries. I used to wrestle a lot for fun too. Very random but my dad would actually test my strength a lot and tbh pick me up and throw me down. To make me stronger. I need to think about all that, which happened before I hated carrying groceries.
I didn’t realize how important it was for kids to learn how to play sports for their nervous system until now. It makes strength fun, not that traumatic for their nervous system. It doesn’t even matter if they’re good or bad at it. It introduces curiosity too.
I kind of don’t know where to start to make strength training fun again. I don’t play sports, and I’m not about to go wrestle people or do kickboxing. But I guess I can start with the pelvic lifts for a couple of days just to rewire my brain and not overwhelm it.
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I saw Mamdani hired an ex-prisoner to run the prison system, and that’s why he’s going to succeed. He doesn’t hire the smartest person in the room. He hires people who carry frequency. That care. Not a single person on his team feels like they wouldn’t it make it their personal mission to succeed.
When I take on a project, I need to do this too. Literally just work with people that I think can actually carry the frequency, maybe that’s how I can detach from doing everything myself. A couple of months ago, I wondered why projects have huge teams for even something as small as a creative shoot, when I felt like I could do everything on my own. This is why. To keep everyone centered. It’s not about being “able” to. It’s about staying regulated throughout the whole project and not burning out. Which happens to me all the time. I do everything by myself and am exhausted.
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I texted my cousin asking her to come she her kid since I’m going to my friend’s early dinner to meet her boyfriend. I’ve been meaning to go see him for a while and it’s been long overdue. It’s been in the back of my mind for months. I even got his gift a week into him being born because I thought I was going to go immediately, but somehow I didn’t. All the relatives were saying they didn’t want anyone to go, so I didn’t even ask. Then the stuff I got him outgrew. I also thought they lived further. And then all this raid stuff started happening in Chicago, so I really just wasn’t going anywhere because it was too mentally taxing. And then I entered my “draining” period, where I just couldn’t go anywhere without being drained in 2 minutes. Just felt like a lot. Now, I’m finally ready, but also I’m in my not-overextending era. Feel like making a special trip when I’m not even “invited” or asked to come feels like doing too much. It’s a blanket invite to come whenever, and I know I need to go, but idk I’ve just been overthinking this too much. I’m just trying not to do anything from guilt. I need to stay strong. At this point, he’s already over a year old, so I’m soo late. And it feels right to stop by if I’m already in the area for something else.
Anyways, lol she texted saying she couldn’t do next sunday. So now, Idk if I’m just going to wait to be in the area again or just make the trip to her house. I doubt I’m going to be in the area. I haven’t been in the area since I got the “open invite”, which is why it already felt like “doing too” much just to make a trip. Her house isn’t even that far. But I also know my presence isn’t even that important. Like it doesn’t make it or break it if I ever go or not. I just know I should because if I partied with her, I should also go visit.
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My mom went to the mandir with her friend, so I was just chilling by myself watching the superbowl. I warmed up my pizza and it was perfect. I literally remember going to superbowl watch parties and just feeling so alone in a room full of people. I’m still mind blown about how I used to be someone that needed plans all the time, to LOVING being by myself. I never saw this coming 2 years ago.
After my pizza, I wanted something to drink, so made thai iced tea, resteraunt style from the tea bags I ordered yday, and it was sooo good. Made a second batch to make thai iced tea chia seed pudding too.
The Super Bowl commercials were the worst in history. Not a single good one. There was so much room for potential. A decent one was the Xfinity ad, but why Jurassic Park?
Jokes on America though. While latinos are being targeted, Bad bunny won the grammy, became the top artist, and did a whole tribute at the superbowl. Got so emotional. He listed and carried all the hispanic states in the most watched thing in america. Literally had a few tears come out.
In all spanish. He didn’t change for the world. He didn’t learn perfect english. He even took a whole minute to decompress when he won the grammy. Gave his whole grammy’s speech in spanish. Now, that’s letting the world meet you where you’re at. Not bending for the world. That’s literally one thing that people gravitational. They don’t bend for anyone. They’re unapologetically themselves.
Also, a reminder that your own path is never a correlation of what’s happening in the world. If anything, I’ve won over and over again in the worst times. When all the odds were against me. Graduated in covid when all hiring was paused, I got my dream job. I couldn’t get any loans, and I got a full ride for college. Everyone was losing their jobs and getting laid off, and I moved back home without telling my boss to demand remote work. If I followed what was happening in the world, I would have never gotten to where I am today. The same way, I know my dreams will come true literally in the same time the country is so divided and there is so much racism.
A huge win for latinos in a time period where the world is against them is a reminder enough.
I also know my learning how to stay “anchored” phase felt annoying, but it truly feels like the root for everything that I’m going to build on. And I feel even more inspired.
Did a couple of pelvic leg lifts. I’ll take it as a win for today.
Pockets of joy: making perfect thai iced tea, watching the superbowl in peace, the half-time show being a reminder for humanity
8/10 - Peaceful sunday overall even though it got a bit emotional with my childhood strength trauma. Just came out of nowhere.
Intuition - I need to make everything in my life feel chosen and fun.
Energy:
50% - processing
25% - superbowl
25% - being curious
