2/4/26 - Staying true to myself in success
Lots of random thoughts today, idk if they really mean anything. Didn’t feel that profound. They felt more like passing thoughts.
Woke up late somehow. I really thought I was going to wake up early and go to a yoga class or something.
Anyways, my work group chats were messaging, and in it, I couldn’t help but think the company went to shit after the founder left. In reality, it really stopped growing after he stopped carrying about it. The company energy of the first few years I worked there to now is just so different. It’s like the soul is gone. And then I started wondering how one can be detached while carrying frequency?
For me right now it feels like if I stop carrying, the soul is gone. If I care too much, I wonder about it, and am not detached. Everyone says true success always comes from detachment, but I also know that anything needs a soul and frequency attached to it to be felt. So how can I do both? Idk haven’t really figured this out.
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Worked for a bit, trying to really problem solve what was happening with my campaign and why it wasn’t successful. The concept is so simple. It’s literally free gift cards. So where were the gaps? I wasn’t doing this from a place of “why isn’t my idea working?” it was more so from a place of curiosity because the idea feels like such a no-brainer. And if anything I just want to understand human behavior from a psychological standpoint, apart from it just being in a leaky container.
So did some digging, ate lunch, sent my first set of gift cards out, and then went to drop mom off at her beauty salon appointment. Also donated some of my old clothes that I took out that day. I ended up waiting for my mom while she was at the salon and I almost fell asleep in the car.
Just being out kind of drained me, even though I was literally in the car the whole time. It just all feels so chaotic for my nervous system. Old me that grew up in the city can never imagine that I would be the one saying I just want to sit in my backyard with a cup of coffee, or drive to a store with parking and no traffic. I would prefer being somewhere in Napa right now, but the burbs will also do.
I ended up taking a nap cause I just felt so drained. Woke up, walked for a bit (only 40 minutes today) time was dragging. Ate some more biryani while watching another movie called “Lonely Planet”.
The author talked about how some people travel to humble themselves and to realize how small they are in the world. That got me wondering why rich people travel, and it’s to choose environments for themselves.
I can now organize my life around preserving my state.
In the movie it also shows 2 types of writers. 1 that just became one so she’s trying to fit in and another that has been one so she does whatever she wants to do.
I think all my life, I’ve felt like an imposter, so I’ve always tried to fit in. And that’s why ex J’s words “i’m a follower” still hurt till this day because somewhere deep down, I know it’s true too.
New people feel like they have to attend every function, say yes to everything, fit in to really belong in the world. People who are comfortable with themselves don’t go to things, say no, pick themselves.
The difference between a new actor and Amir Khan. He doesn’t even go to get his own awards. He doesn’t follow rooms. The rooms follow him. If Amir Khan were to go to an award ceremony, everyone would watch.
The goal isn’t to perform inaccessibility. It’s to do whatever you want to do. Having that choice.
In October, I was so excited about going to the event with influencers. It was my first time. Once I got there, it was so overrated. Like I’m going to this Eid event, but after this, I might not go. Everything feels performative. I might even leave early and go eat my favorite pizza or something by myself to get away.
In the movie, he also quit his job because he didn’t like how his job prioritized business over integrity. And I feel that now.. where up until now, I was somewhat also convinced you can’t have feelings in business, but that’s what was almost brainwashed to get maximum output out of humans. That’s not right.
Also on the other note, today for my campaign - I got the push on time, I saw the in-app ad but then the app froze and I couldn’t even fill out the typeform. Literally, it’s just always so broken. Always has friction. Because the whole energy of the app is wrong.
Tbh idek what I learned today - just felt like observations.
Intutions - I need to stay true to myself
8/10 - Felt low in energy today
Energy:
50% - problem-solving at work
25% - drained
25% - alone-time
