2/5/26 - Pockets of Joy, friction
Last night, I randomly decided to delete some apps and stumbled upon the Don Toliver concert on Seatgeek, and then I was like wait let me check Ticketmaster and saw the presale for Citi was going on, which I have, so randomly I was looking at tickets. I love Don Toliver and all this was so random. I ended up getting 2 tickets to the concert in June. At first, I thought I was being impulsive, but then I was like whatever. I don’t even know who I’m going with yet. Dabbled with the idea of maybe going by myself.
The app was crashing a bit, and I was so close to being like whatever. I am not about the app crashing one for time and gave it one last shot. Everything ended up going through. What are the chances that I randomly just opened the app to the presale. Felt interesting.
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I woke up super pissed at my best friend, almost ready to send her a rage letter. During the Galentine’s party, everyone kept telling her she should be an event planner, and I’m guessing that pissed her off and she internalized it. She thinks everyone doesn’t believe she can be a doctor. But the truth is it’s because her eyes light up with passion when she’s planning, and everyone see’s it. She never talked about medicine that way. My friend A does. She’s meant to be a doctor. I just don’t think my best friend is. Anyways, on IG 2 days ago, I sent her something about frequencies, and she sent me a whole paragraph saying “No one believes in me, but it’ll all be worth it.” Basically, projecting. I responsed saying I don’t even know how she came to that conclusion based on me sending her an IG video on frequencies, but she basically stopped responding.
She does this often, where she doesn’t communicate and just stops talking and then comes back when she’s ready to talk. When we were little, I just let her come back on her own, but I’ve hated it. It’s like she’s best friends one minute and MIA another minute. I get she needs to process things, but being avodiant isn’t normal. It’s a standard I am not willing to cross anymore. Especially since I’ve been communicating everything, and someone that keeps me in a toxic loop can’t possibly be right for me. The worst part is that she complains about my other ex friend doing this to her. I genuinely feel like she doesn’t see my friendship sometimes, and while this is normal in her life. This is no longer tolerated in my life.
I was so confused and heated about what I needed to do. At first I thought, I should ignore her when she comes back like she always does, but then I would be doing the same thing. Then I thought I should send her a warning letter about if she did this again, I would cut her off. But she already knew this hurts me and she continues to do it. Plus based on my ex lessons. Heart to hearts don’t do anything. The other person usually knows everything and is unwilling to change. Cutting her off would be too dramatic too.
At the same time, I was kind of getting bitter. I knew this was coming because she does come with toxic behavior, and was like “wow, the year of the snake ended with a bang. Removing my best friend too.” At this point, I lost all my friends this year.
I have friends, but none that know my heart. Part of me thinks she was the only person that kept my heart open. But I also knew that allowing her to treat me like this was going to keep me not respecting myself.
I decided to go to my Yin yoga class and the lesson for the class was basically exactly what I needed. The art of letting go, but keeping your heart chakra open by staying curious about life with discernment. The answer to how to not turn lonely and bitter. I hadn’t been to a hot yoga yin class in a while and my body was super tight so it was a bit hard today, but felt like I needed it. Especially, the lesson.
Drove to Mindy’s bakery and got a banana malt latte and it was soo good! Probably the best latte I’ve ever had but it was also $10, so very expensive. I had a brief convo with the waitress too when I asked her if the tips went to her and how I started asking because some company just take the tips. I was also genuinely curious epsecially if I was tipping after paying for a $10 latte. The convo was good.
Came home and talked to chatgpt. Basically decided that I’m just going to have to not give her access to myself until she changes. Until then, I don’t need to send her a note, be dramatic or anything. I can treat her the way I casually treat other people. It kind of is like I’m letting her go as a friend, but I also don’t know what’s going to happen, so I don’t need to mourn the relationship. I just have to go with the flow and stop giving her access.
Then it also hit me what the lesson about class meant. It’s about finding love in the little things to internally source myself. Like randomly stumbling upon a concert with one of my fav artists and getting presale tickets, or getting an exact lesson that I need from my yoga class, or trying the best latte I’ve had or having a nice conversation with a stranger. My pockets of joy.
Feeling like one person carries my heart is what is the banger for the year of the snake.
And now it finally feels like I’m officially forming into my stable self. It’s like I’ve officially learned how to feel alive on my own. Nothing is externally sourced now, even love. I could be alone, people could come and go, things can happen, my home can change, but now I feel stable and anchored enough to be regulated in my own emotions.
Chatted with mom for a bit, and then went to walmart with my mom and my old neighbor grandma. She basically had a gift card and doesn’t use it, so she told us to use it and give her cash for it. In exchange she would give us a discount. We were like sure. But she was so uptight about it. She literally wouldn’t even let me see it, and tbh I’m so over anything being non-clean energy.
Like I would rather pay full price on things, than deal with someone that’s gatekeeping like I’m about to steal her gift card. It just creates friction in flow.
Again for work - We had to fix the dimensions on my campaign typeform, and then when I came home, I couldn’t even see the in-app ad again. literally nothing in the container of this campaign has gone right.
And my tolerance for it all is just 0. I’m at a point where how hard is it for things to just flow with the right energy. Why is there negative energy or friction EVERYWHERE.
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For dinner made naan pizza, had some ice cream, and watched TV with mom for a bit.
Then went into my room and watched a movie. It was about a girl that stayed anchored in her own beliefs instead of trying to fit in. Right on theme with life lessons. Technically, they’re the length of two episodes.
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I also yesterday decided that I want to get better at public speaking, so I started recording myself again, and somehow I already feel better. It doesn’t feel fake anymore. Because I don’t perform in real life anymore too.
Oh also the cute guy on DM messaged, and i’m not answering.
I am a little worried about my housing situation. My lease ends in a month, and I just haven’t found another townhouse that I like.
Intuition - I think I notice friction as a form of discernment now.
9/10 - Lots of pockets of joy today
Energy:
50% - pissed about my best friend
25% - noticing pockets of joy
25% - errands
