2/6/26 - Reclaiming my calm
Last night, my best friend did end up texting me saying it was “frustrating that I didn’t believe in her”. Tbh not once did I actually say anything or tell her she needs to be an event planner. If anything I did externally start supporting her, but I also know that she can feel what I feel on the inside. She knows how to read energies too. Externally, she is still wrong, but I guess she is right internally. It’s not that I don’t think she can’t be a doctor, it’s that I know she has a larger purpose. I’ve not once said anything but it’s like she gets a mirror when she see’s me and has to face everything she’s scared to face.
Her family was always business people, her mom started her own catering, and her dad would pick up a new business venture every year. They’ve lived in a lot of instability and saw she associated businesses as instability and manual labor. It’s basically a trauma response. She’s a natural at event planning/creative stuff. It’s like a natural skill for her and she has a lot of lot in it too. She just started a tiktok account and has like 4k followers already. Everyone see’s the passion she has for it too. She is avoiding event planning/create small business life because of her trauma and one thing I’ve learned is your purpose is usually tied to things you’ve hated because of a trauma response. All my life I’ve tried escaping my problems too and just waited for a miracle way out. Ultimately, she’s going to realize that being a doctor was only tied to her proving herself. Even if she becomes one, she won’t be happy. Ultimately, she is going to be a business owner. She’s going to rewrite her lineage trauma that way. I know it.
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Randomly, I started thinking about how I feel no attachment to my most recent ex. Almost like our string was cut. He feels like a stranger. No emotions.
But I still have an attachment to ex N. It’s like I still know what he’s thinking and the phase he’s in. I feel his thoughts. I don’t think he’s my person. But I still feel the string no matter how hard I try to cut it, burn it.
I slowed down with him. Watching sunsets, walks, naps. We tbh barely talked but our nervous systems synced with each other.
And while my life is slowing down right now. That state is familiar. That state was with him.
If anything, the bond feels closer even though we broke up 3 years ago. Almost like we’re in sync again.
Meanwhile, the recent ex, we talked about everything. I loved how stimulated I felt. It never felt boring talking to him. But our nervous systems never synced.
If anything, I always knew once ex N and I would talk that he was so different than me.
My nervous system thinks of him as a reference point, every time I slow down. But I need to reclaim my nervous system. It was mine to begin with. Every time I feel calm and regulated, I need to override it with my own solo memories.
For a sec, I was like should I take a solo trip. Cannon beach feels perfect right now, but then I was like, if this state was mine to begin with, I need to find moments of this state BEFORE I met him. So I started going through my phone. There are honestly very few moments. I’ve always been stressed my whole life. The reason why I remember moments with him specifically is because I would just truly sit there admiring the beauty of nature, looking into the sunset. I felt so safe, so regulated, so present.
My person will be a combo - someone that co-regulates and I can feel in the silence and someone that I feel stimulated with.
Anyways, I couldn’t sleep until 5am thinking about all this.
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Woke up late, and started working. Didn’t really fully go through my morning routine. While I was sending out my campaign giftcards, it kind of maybe me feel happy. A lot of the women were in their late 30s and didn’t have the highest percentile. It made me happy knowing that maybe somewhere I was making someone’s day. Making them feel beautiful by giving them a gift card to treat themselves. Maybe some of them don’t have that luxury. I didn’t until now. I was living in such scarcity that I thought spending money on things like a blowout were a waste of money. And the only way I could justify it was if I technically got it for free. No matter what tech issues there were, i just prayed that I was able to treat someone that needed their day made and just needed a pocket of joy. I’d be so happy if I randomly got a gift card too.
My best friend ended up texting me saying she was sorry for projecting. And I said I wasn’t mad at her for projecting. I was mad at her for going MIA and not communicating.
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My mom went to some mandir thing. And I just felt like “having a friday night”. My mom made some chicken before she left, but I still wanted pizza, so I ordered Pequods. It came right when I was done working, so I ate some chicken, took an edible, and then got 9k steps in and danced while I was on my walking pad, and then ate my pizza while watching “letters to juliet”.
I literally love this Friday night. I wouldn’t want to do anything else. I do eat a bit more when I’m high, so I’m happy I got my steps in. And it still mind blows me that I hated ordering uber eats for the longest. I would have rather drove to pick up the food to say the $10, and now ordering food once a month is one of my favorite things to do. Most people don’t realize this but the personality they think they have is from survival and performance. I feel like I’m literally sooooo different that who I even was in October.
I only have one mission now adays and that’s to keep myself regulated. Anything else simply doesn’t matter. The money, the people, the activity…
I washed half the dishes and then got too lazy but mom came by then and was soo heated. I honestly knew I should have but was too high by that point and just wanted to lay down. She was also mad because of some aunty beefing. I’ve literally told her a 100 times to cut the same people off, and she just keeps on going back to them.
Pockets of joy - sending out giftcards, my perfect friday, getting my steps in
Intuition - I need to get a bit out of the “alone time” and start forcing myself to do more house things again and just force myself to break out of my cycle
Energy:
work - 50%
chilling - 50%
