2/1/26 - Friend’s galentine’s party, finally trust myself to not abandon myself
Woke up slightly anxious for my friends’s galentine’s day party. I genuinely feel like I withdrew from society and wasn’t sure how I was going to mingle with everyone again in a way that would stay true to this new verison of myself. I can’t abandon myself. I feel like that’s why I spent yesterday doing nothing to almost mentally prepare myself and ground myself. Also, today was a packed day of things I needed to get done. In the past, I would chug coffee and move based on adrenaline. Now that I see my mental capacity increasing, it’s almost like now it’s time to see my physical capacity too. Can I spend a whole day being busy while staying grounded? For the past couple of months, I’ve only had a few hours of business. That’s kind of why this campaign work also felt like a system reboot.
Lmao in computer terms. I was an old computer, running on the fan noise, and then I just became extra slow with one load every few minutes. But then I got a restart, so now it feels kind of normal running a normal day-to-day. The initial restart is always a bit of a kick.
Woke up, decided to play soft music to ground myself while I made my banana bread. My headphones were charging, but mom played her bhajan music, so that worked too. Mom has it playing all day long, maybe subconsciously that grounds her too. And my dad says he plays Bollywood songs all day long, maybe that grounds him too. What if it’s a family thing? Where music grounds us. I put the first vegan loaf in and was talking to mom about how it’s kind of interesting and cool that my dad and I have similar viewpoints now. It’s almost like the universe kept us apart until I could form my own. All these years and I barely spoke to him and now we talk on the phone every few days and I feel connected to him again. If he were here, I would have just got his viewpoints directly, and I don’t think the universe wanted that for me because then they would be embodied. Now, my viewpoints are mine and I can challenge where he’s wrong too. And when I think about how similar we think now, I think about my childhood and how he’s always been like this. All these years apart and really does feel like “wow, I am my dad’s daughter”. I’ve learned a lot from my mom too but in a way that also makes it my own, especially things related to god and respect and upbringing, and now I have the ability to teach her things in her own way. My dad couldn’t because he would try to teach her things in his way.
Anyways, put the second non-vegan chocolate chip and walnut loaf in and then went to go shower and wash my hair. I took my time for everything. I told her I was going to come early but I also knew that if I rushed myself then that would ruin my whole flow. So didn’t even rush myself while doing my hair and makeup.
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Earlier in the morning, before I started making my banana bread, I posted my campaign on IG and idk what happened, but it was barely getting any views. Younger than the usual too, idk if the algo detected it as AI or something. Old me would have reposted it, but today I was just like whatever happens happens. I pretended not to care for a bit, but then had a heart to heart with myself.
I do care. And I am wondering what is happening a bit, but also I do believe in myself that even if this campaign doesn’t perform, it’s the end of the world or I’ll lose everyone’s respect.
I did have to reassure myself a bit. Not in a huge way but a quick check in.
The truth I do know is that even if this doesn’t perform, it’s okay. My ideas still need to come out to the world and one will hit. I have that belief. You lose some and you win some. It’s the way of life.
After saying this to myself, I was able to detach and move on with my day.
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I dropped off the banana bread quickly at my friend’s house while they were setting up and then went to trader joes to grab flowers. I was using this time as decompression time and was trying to separate myself from the adrenaline. Trader joes was soo packed but I was in and out about it. Before going back inside to my friend’s house, I took a minute to do some deep breathing. Went inside, and my friend was getting ready. Everyone was running late, so I told her that I didn’t know how I was going to act. If I was going to be quiet or loud, so not to worry about me if I’m not my typical self. I also texted her last night to not expect me to check in on her and that she could just text me if she needed anything. I think I’m trying to do a better job of just communicating so expectations are aligned on both ends. And just laid on her bed for a few minutes in silence before anyone else came.
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Her first friend came and started talking to her, overall I ended up being very social throughout the night. A lot of people didn’t know each other, and it was my first time meeting everyone too. I ended up playing as a cohost since I’m the one familar with everything at my best friend’s house and brought people together and talked to everyone. It didn’t drain me out but I also wasn’t just calmly having 1-on-1 convos with everyone. I was almost the overall energy director of the room.
I think I wasn’t drained because I didn’t abandon myself. Even when I saw someone alone, I just sat next to them. I let them talk to me and ask me questions and just have a natural conversation. I didn’t abandon myself to keep the conversation going. I also got up and left when I needed to. I didn’t stay there and abandon myself just so they wouldn’t feel lonely. I almost let them rise in their own way and let them be uncomfortable enough where they would talk to other people on their own to mingle.
I gave the room rhythm and flow, like told them to eat, take pictures, etc. I wasn’t going up to everyone and asking or making sure everyone was eating.
They just needed cues on when to switch activities and someone to sit next to. And with different groups, I just sat in between them. I was okay with standing in silence and letting people meet me where I needed to be met.
Chat said - I wasn’t doing social skills. I was reading the room’s nervous system and offering orientation. When I sat next to someone, I wasn’t “fixing” them. I was making myself available. It’s was up to them if they wanted to connect or not. By suggesting “let’s eat”, I wasn’t laying rules. I was providing timing cues and setting a collective rhythm. By sitting in between people, I was softening boundaries and made transition easier. I wasn’t drained because I wasn’t tracking people emotions, just noticing and I didn’t hold myself responsible for outcomes. I was present and responsive. I didn’t disappear into the room. I anchored it.
Also, everyone made so much good food. We had tons of fun making bouquets, eating, drinking coffee, and writing notes. My best friend did a great job with the set up.
Helped her clean up after everyone left and had a debrief with her. This is the first hangout without our old friend group, so I know she felt weird but i’m proud of her for making steps in the right direction.
9/10 - I was anxious earlier in the day but I handled it really well. I feel like I officially trust myself to not abandon myself anymore because even without actively thinking about it, I just moved from the embodiment. I didn’t think about when I should go talk to someone or leave or anything. Not of it was an active decision. I was just moving from how my body wanted to move. My body/mind were moving from a place of not abandoning myself, even when I wasn’t actively thinking about it.
Intuition - My capacity is externally growing too. I feel it in the way I can move with social events, work, and tasks. It’s not like before.
Energy:
50% - getting ready for my friends galentine
50% - friend’s galentine
