1/31/26 - A day of guilt-free rest

Woke up a bunch of times last night, but this time something unusual happened in my dreams.

My dreams would go from happy to scary so unexpectedly. Like my worst nightmares about to happen but I would open my eyes and wake up the second the scary part started. I wouldn’t see it play through. 

And this happened with 3 dreams last night. 

Even in my dream, I think I was subconsciously thinking this is so useless to rehearse and play out. I just know I’ll know what to do in the given moment if I’m faced with that challenge. I trust myself now, and feel like I have the knowledge and skills I would need. I don’t feel under-resourced or scared anymore.

Chat says - My old far patterns are losing access to me. My system wanted to test if I was really safe now, so it ran the old tapes one last time. It’s closure. My mind basically said, “I’m resourced. I have agency. I don’t need to practice panic anymore.

Also realized true quantum jumps aren’t a thing, beacuse in order to really get over something. Your subconscious really does test you over and over again. I feel like I mentally told myself I wasn’t going to let fear run my body over 6 months ago.

Your mind needs to understand it, change the narrative
Your body needs to approve it and feel safe in the change
Your dreams/subconscious needs to accept it
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Ended up waking up earlier than usual, so I just decided to watch a rom com. It was cute. I really liked how no matter how much she understood what the guy was going through, she didn’t meet him. She waited him to meet her where she needed to be met and just carried on with life.

Beyond just romantic relationships - I think my instant reactions are basically my mind telling my body where I need to be met.

Diving deeper and reading them is how I get calm and ground myself. It seperates myself from the problem and doesn’t make me feel like i’m not being chosen or I’m not the problem. It gives me an outlook on the reality of the situation.

But it does not change where they need to meet me. That’s what I’ve been doing wrong all these years. Just cause I understood them, I thought I needed to meet them there.
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Still wanted to just lay in bed, so decided I was going to make today a guilt-free rest day and just rot in bed. Doing whatever I felt like I needed to do without feeling like I needed to be productive.

Got a slice of banana bread and some milk and started another movie called “A big bold beautiful journey”. Somehow this one ended up being deep and basically two people revisited their traumas/origin points to heal and really be together. This one really did catch me by surprise and I somehow understood it all, so many relatable relationship things.

Ate lunch after, watched some more TV with my mom.

I could feel my mind stimulation increase, almost feels like hyper-vigilance, where my mind is just on.

But the hyper vigilance came from a place of fear and wanting to control everything.

This feels like new ideas and thoughts expanding from a place of possibilities.

Chat says I’m in cognitive expansion and my capacity has increased. Now I just need to learn how to properly ground it and activate it whenever I want to have a healthy balance. This alertness is more readiness and my system is learning how to be awake without being afraid. I’m learning how to be more alive without fear too.

Ended up taking a nap because I truly just needed my mind to stop for a bit and I was tired of watching movies too.

My aunt came over while I was napping. I just said hi and then continued to do my own things.

My ankelet and some more attar also came in. I do like this anklet and now I’m just waiting for more samples to come in.

After she left, I was going to try to make my banana bread for tomorrow so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed, but also decided I was going to commit to my full day of guilt-free rest and just make it a tomorrow problem.

Tomorrow is the last full moon in the year of the snake. I’m a little scared to see what else I’m going to shed, especially since I’m being exposed to a lot of new girls tomorrow at my friend’s galentine party. Idk if I’m going to instantly feel drained, but I’m also trying not to overthink it and just respond to whatever I need to do in the moment.

At night, ended up watching another Bollywood movie, about how for generations men gave women limits and in the movie the housewife literally left her husband to go to someone else that loved her. I kind of love how Bollywood would spread this concept. Almost want my dad to watch it but the beginning talks too much about the girl sexting guys, so that’s a little weird for me to tell my dad too watch. But the ending yeah for sure.

Intuition - I’m prepared for whatever comes my way

9/10 - A good rest day, not committing to anything

Energy:
100% - resting