6/26 - Deep conversations

Honestly, I’m kind of mad at myself. I’ve been slacking on finishing up my journals and at this point it’s getting to an overwhelming level. And because I’m mad at myself for one thing, I’m letting the other things slip too. Like my steps, diet, night routine everything is a shit show.

I truly only am happy when my routine is in order. 

Anyways, I ended up sleeping at 2am yesterday, but woke up with so much stuff still needing to be done. Like I still needed to finish packing, go get some stuff from Sephora, go do some returns, go to the bank, shave, wash my hair and I also wanted to get ready so I could make content at the airport but lolol half the stuff didn’t even happen. 

I woke up and went straight to shave and shower. Got out and it was already 9:40am, so went to Kohl’s and Sephora. Side note, I’m doing my journals on my phone and I absolutely hate it.  The lady at Kohl’s literally took so long and I almost forgot going to the bank. Everything just took so long. I literally came home at 10:50am, and had to leave by 11:30am so there was no time to get ready. Just ate breakfast. My mom made me an egg roll and then finished packing and called my uber. Overall didn’t freak out, I was calmly just getting whatever I needed to get done and I’m proud of myself for that. During my uber ride, I was focusing on grounding myself. I kept being telling myself I’m protected and that everything was going to be okay. Calming my energy is a skill I really do need to master or I’m just going to live in anxiety for the rest of my life. 

Security and everything went by quick. I’m also in the process of sharing my life on socials again but it’s so hard. Like I feel so self conceited but I’m just trying to start off by copying what other influencers do. Like how many times a day they post, the language they use, the style they use. I didn’t end up posting it and I’m still debating if I want to do it as a part of my recap or as soon as I land. Just wanted to land safely at least, but still have it drafted. 

Before actually boarding a saw an influencer followed me, which was interesting because what. I wonder if she found me for me or somehow knows I’m connected to Dil Mil. 

I also brought snacks from home, so didn’t stop to get anything at the airport. And the plane ride was pretty chill too. I slept for a hour and idek what I did for the rest of the time but attempted to do my journals too and kept frequently snacking. Idk if I’m in my lutureal but I’ve literally just been starving all the time, which normally I don’t even eat like that. But I’m just so hungry. 

I also realized I forgot my gym shoes. Well it was more intentional. I convinced myself I was just going to walk around in sandals but totally forgot I need shoes for the gym and I need to gym these 3 days or I’m going to lose it. 

One of the girls had an emergency landing for her plane, so she ended up landing at the same time as me. 

Now that I have influencers following me, I think this is my test to see if I’m chill. If I handle the fame and not change myself. 

Our uber driver to the hotel was wild, but as soon as we got to the hotel her and I got some chinese food and bonded. It was cute and wasn’t awkward at all. I talked about my dating life, she talked about how she knew my friend’s brother was her person and etc. The convo was so mature that I totally forgot she was like 5 years younger than me.

Kids now adays just have such a confident aura and I love it.

Anyways, we got to the room and started getting ready to go to the sphere. This was on my list so I was excited. Lol we ended up having to walk all around in the heat but it was okay. The show was about nature and honestly at one point, I was starting to have anxiety with all the sounds. Too overstimulated but would def never go there high. The hour felt so long. The inside looked like a concert stadium. After that we took some pictures, and left.

After the sphere we got back to the hotel and I grabbed a taco and payed for the bride. Honestly, I haven’t done that for a bit because I always felt like she was cheaping me out all the time, so this was my intiation to let go of whatever I was feeling and just be giving this weekend.

After eating our tacos at the food court, her and I went to a dispensary to get a blunt and edibles. The line was so long and that her and I started talking, and almost bonding. I can’t explain it but we do have chemistry, like the convo flows and this is probably the first time in 5 years that her and I just got to talk alone. Normally our other friend is always there, and it kind of made me feel attached to her again. Like we were getting somewhere. Since I payed for the ubers, she ended up paying for the edibles. Overall, everything took so long that we rushed to uber back and then started getting ready to go out.

Before going out, we took a couple of pictures with my camera.

Thankfully, Tao was in the hotel, so we didn’t need to step out but I took an edible and we went out. The edible hit at the right timing where all the music was soo good and lmao I was the only one that was lit, everyone else was sober.

I did have an internal melt down at one point though. My single friend told me she was talking to some guy and they were serious and I was almost so sad and jealous. Like why me? Everyone else finds their person the first time around… and I’ve just been through so much trauma. I was internally very frustrated and mad at god.

After dancing, I came back to the room, watched love island and knocked out.

Throughout the day, I was trying to ease my anxiety of just being away from my mom, so that was something. But I’m going to do it scared. I refuse to let my fear control me.

7/10 - Besides flying and the anxiety, I feel like I had so much bonding time with everyone that I loved it.

Intuition - I think our friendship might need a conversation.

Energy:
20% - flying
50% - bonding
30% - just having fun