6/17 - Death & energy is money

Today woke up pretty morbid. My mom came into my room telling me her boss passed away. She had been sick, but it all just happened so quickly. Just in September, we went to her son’s wedding and after that she found out she had cancer. A month ago before my mom got her eye surgery, she was still walking around and then literally last week she became super sick where the cancer spread to her body, and in 5 days she passed away. She wasn’t super super sick for more than a week, so I’m still shocked.

I know I’ve ony seen her once in my life but my mom would talk about her all the time, so it’s like I knew her. And more so her son loved her. Deep down, I knew she was sick but I thought she would get better and that it was just a hard time for them. But she’s gone.

The fact that someone can be sick, get bed ridden in a week, and then just pass. She’s gone. And I can’t help but think that could have been my mom last year. I’m even scared to type this at this point. But they lost their mom.

And I already knew that activated trauma in me. Every time, I’m a little happy, it’s because my nervous system is trying to cope with it. It’s my trauma response to find the good in every situation. But it’s because I’m scared.

And I’m just not over the fact that she’s gone. She was younger than my mom too. I really thought she was going to get better, so I’m still in shock.

The rest of the day, I just randomly kept remebering that she was actually gone. I had 2 tears come out, but a lot of it still feels stuck inside.

Anyways, I also woke up pretty drained from yesterday. But needed to get a lot done, so started working, and then went to go shave for my laser appointment.

Ate, and worked some more, and then napped. But while I was napping, it was such a trauma nap. I kept waking up scared, flinching.

Woke up and went to my laser appointment. There my laser person told me she wanted to do a photoshoot too inspired by me and wanted to know how I did it. She wanted the secrets.

So I wasn’t tripping up yesterday. I know the energy really was getting to a point where everyone is wondering “how I do it” and me feeling drained is proof of that. It shifting something in them.

I told her everything, but it honestly felt wrong. It felt like I was disrespecting all the time and effort I put into learning and was just giving it to someone for free. And that reaction to me was a shocker because it’s not like I don’t like her, and she does support. I know she’s not jealous, she’s more so inspired.

But she did want to know how I do it. What’s my flow. How she can do it too.

I always thought I would just tell everyone everything. That’s how I’ve been up until now, I learn, so I can teach. But I realized that I want to teach those that “don’t want it” and want to gatekeep it from those that do want it.

This was literally so mindblowing to me. Because all of a sudden people that sell courses make sense to me now. Until now, I always shitted on them. Like you have the knowledge why aren’t you just spreading it. But it’s because if you do give it for free, it’s draining, and feels like self-disrespect.

A course is literally like a training session. A course is paying for access to years of learning and energy. Same as someone spending time training someone is time.

And all of a sudden I don’t think courses are bad anymore.

This was important for me to learn because I can’t sell something that I think is bad. I also know my target demographic now, and the payer.

But part of me is like yeah money is important but what about purpose. Am I straying away from my purpose? At the same time though, I can’t be leaking energy. This is how I conserve and value my energy.

Giving someone knowledge for free is draining. Teaching someone that doesn’t want to learn is also draining.

Idk what or how I’m going to go about all of this yet, but it was interesting insights.

Anyways, came home for a bit, and went back to a yin class to try to release some trauma I was feeling. In the beginning, my mom called and I thought it was an emergency, so I freaked out. But by the end, I did end up crying a bit in class. Just felt like laying on the floor in stillness. Last time I did that was literally exactly this time last year, when I was so numb from my relationship.

I came home did a saje cleanse, watched new episodes of the new sex in the city, cleaned my room for a bit and now just journaling.

It’s also thundering outside right now. I feel like there’s always rain outside when I’m sad. While I was at yoga, I also decided I was going to write my mom’s boss a letter to officially release her.

4/10 - today felt like a sad day

Intuition - Fame isn’t what I think it is. It’s like running a company. You start it for its mission and then it’s about money.

Energy:
60% - fixing trauma response
20% - working
20% - trying to figure out value of knowledge