6/4 - Mirrors + worth tied to success

Today, I woke up and it just hit me that everything my friends were feeling were somewhat a mirror of me. Even my friend T, she felt like she was being “too annoying”. I somewhere feel that too sometimes, when I really want a picture. And my friend N, constant anxiety also reflects my inner state, especially on that trip. My friend A, reminds me of my potential that I fail to see a bit. I see she’s so close and she needs to keep going. I need to keep going. It’s crazy how everyone in yourself reflects a part of you.

Anyways, I ended up waking up a bit early. I wanted to get coffee before I started my work day and was craving del sur, so went there. Ngl part of me kept wondering if I was going to run into that crush from that day. It was raining a bit outside, but loved the cozy vibes. Lol when I got there I saw that they were closed, so decided to look up some places nearby. When to a new coffee shop called Backlot, and immediately loved the vibes of it. I would have came back to work from their, but tbh now adays, I only like working from home. I’m getting very used to my step-up. I took some videos to show my best friend and immediately loved the menu. Decided to get a baklava latte, a egg breakie, and a blueberry donut. For a sec, I was like “i think I’m spending too much.” But then I’m like “No, money is abdunant. I wanna try everything. It makes me happy.”

They had other things on the menu too that were interesting like a blueberry matcha & oatmeal cookie latte. Anyways, got my drink and it was mid. The flavors weren’t there. But the donut was really good. As soon as I went in my car, I decided to try the brekkie and immediately ate the whole thing because THAT was so good. I need to learn how to make it. I literally devoured it.

The amount I’ve been going outside and drinking coffee, I’ve been thinking about getting my own Nespresso, but I don’t want to become addicted to coffee. I feel like if I have it, I’m going to drink more coffee. But at the same time spending $10 on mid coffee also isn’t okay. I don’t work there anymore, and I don’t even like the coffee. So idk if I go just for the vibes, but that point, I rather spend money on a pastry than coffee that I can make at home because I really don’t like coffee from anywhere anymore.

Anyways, came home and had meetings. Then got to work. Was actually pretty productive today. Ate and chilled with mom, and went back to working. Ordered a bunch of Dil Mil merch today too. Didn’t even nap today.

At like 7pm, I decided to go to gym and get my steps in since I wasn’t able to get them yesterday. While I was at the gym, idk what happened but randomly, I was like “i don’t want any ex to ever have access to me. I literally feel replused, and my self-respect with not allow it. Almost remembering the feeling I felt that day. And I literally got the strength to block every ex on IG too. I don’t even want them looking at my IG or literally have any type of access to me. They don’t get to know the new me. They don’t get to see the new me. They get access to any of my energy. They’re all blocked. I know 100% my person is waiting for me. It’s almost very certain now, where I don’t even question it anymore. I know he’ll come in my life when the time is right and until then I just have to be patient.

After the gym, I went to khol’s to do returns.

When I came home, I literally had a whole crash out. Before going to the gym, my mom said something minor “ohhh, the downstairs neighbor probably makes a lot” and that hit me the wrong way. Almost like she wasn’t proud of me. And that’s where the crash out came from. I started piecing everything together, even her being proud of my friend for her cafe page taking off.

That’s when I started thinking, what if I didn’t have a job and my business wasn’t taking off for months? Would my mom lose respect for me? Do I only have respect in her eyes because I’m doing well? What if I didn’t have anything. Would she think I was useless? Would she push me to get a job? Would she give me strength, and believe me blindly or would she doubt? And somewhere, I crashed out because I felt like she would doubt me and push me to get a job. Meanwhile, my job would be like “no, you can do it”.

But then she said something that really healed me. She said “I see it in your eyes. You do whatever you set your mind to.” That showed me she believed in me, and I almost started balling because it really does matter to me that my parents blindly believe in me, especially on days where I fall weak and it’s hard to believe in myself.

I ended up showing her the videos I make and explained to her that I story tell my journals, and why it’s hard because I have to tell the whole world the deepest things about me. I think she finally understands what I do on tiktok now, and why I know it’s my purpose. She was amazed by the videos and was shook on how I captured all the different angles. I also told her how girls comment on my videos, happy that I’m sharing my story.

And idk if the crash out was what I think of myself and just brought to light a projection/trigger. Almost like my worth was tied to my success. Do I only believe in myself as long as I get validation deep down? This kind of hit hard. But I somewhere think it is true. My worth is tied to success, which is a limiting belief.

I had an ex that told me that I get whatever I set my mind to (I ended up unblocking him later at night because I felt like it was a bit of positive energy). I wonder if people can see something in me that I can’t even see in myself. Like how do I look ambitious.

Anyways, I’m literally shook at the daily success training lessons I’m getting, similar to how I was shook with my healing lessons. Things I would have never thought of are coming to light. I never thought of myself as someone that places her worth on success, but I see it now. It’s also an indian thing deep down. Value being placed on grades, money, etc.

At night, mom and I had an adaptogenic drink. She tried it too.

Also, I see so many girls that show themselves have it all. But no one shows the real side of getting there. I’m sooo eager to share my content.

Intuition - My mom is very proud of me. I needed to heal the part of me that feels like I’m only worthy because I’m successful. My respect and thoughts are important to myself even when I don’t have anything. I’m also not tripping up over not having success yet or my videos because I clearly see I’m still in training. I trust divine timing because i’m supposed to learn all this and teach everyone else.

8/10 - Could have been better with discipline but we’re working.

Energy:
40% - working
20% - cute coffee run

30% - crashing out
10% - working out/errands