5/31 - A new level of respect for myself

I ended up waking up before anyone because I was still on Chicago time, so I got ready and decided to go a walk to check the property out. Ended up stopping at the front desk first to get a map, and asked them what was the best route to go on a walk. Tbh I was thankful to have this alone time to just take everything in. The sun, the beautiful resort, the palm trees. Just all of it. I took tons of pictures, and somehow by the end of my walk, I ended up making it to the gym. At first, I was just checking it out but then was like why not, and had a whole workout session. Somehow I got the energy to do a whole run and a bit of lifting. Got it 7k steps in too.

I had brought my laptop too to journal, so after I was done, I went up to the lobby and was just chilling. Randomly I was like, let me look at car rentals and saw that there was one at the resort. Ubers yesterday weren’t cheap especially since everything was like 30 minutes away from where we were, so texted my other friend to book one because she got an employee discount and then went upstairs.

We had a brunch reservation to go to, so we got ready for that. I wore my pink dress. The car we got was electic lmao and none of knew how to drive one, so had a little learning curve period. I was added as the driver for today too since we were going to go out tonight, so needed to be the DD.

The place we went to for brunch was sooo cute. It was giving old hollywood. Like the asthetics were just everything. Honestly, I really like palm springs. It’s like everything you would expect it to be but also boujee and low-key. Old hollywood. My friend desribes it as “don’t worry darling” and she’s so right.

Anyways, we got out brunch. The vanilla latte ended up being so good that me and my other friend got two. Everything was good, even the french toast and eggs benedict that me and my other friend shared. They told them it was my bday, so we even had a little bday moment for me. It was so cute. Overall, we took a bunch of pictures of the cafe too.

I brought my camera too, so we literally also took a shit ton of pictures outside of the cafe too, since the asethics were so pretty with cactus’. To the point that the manger had to tell her to not use the DSLR. We ended up leaving after that point, and went to the next thing on our itinerary which was the mojave flea market. Before going in, I took my vitamin D and everyone else wanted one too, so we were all just popping vitamin D pills in the parking lot, lol.

Lmao as soon as we got there we were shook because lol it was just a store and all of us thought it would be something like the ferry building with a bunch of stores. The prices were also insane. But also took lapse pictures there.

Anyways, they made another pit stop for alcohol and we also went to a dispensary to get gummies for me. The dispensary looked so cool. Almost like a whole speakeasy. They even had paintings. Decided to also try a new type of weed with my fav brand camino. This one was supposed to be uplifting.

We got home, and went back to the pool to chill for a bit. It was freezing, so after a while we went to the hot tub and were just chilling there.

Went back upstairs, all of us showered and got ready for dinner. This was our fancy outfit night, so we all wore dresses, club outfits. I wore a pretty pink tube dress too. By the time we got ready, the sunset was sooo pretty, so we took some sunset pictures with my camera. The lighting was crazy good.

This time, I drove to the dinner spot to practice a bit before being the DD. Ngl, I was super nervous. lmao I have driving anxiety with new people sometimes. But made it to the dinner spot and it was literally so pretty. Again very old hollywood vibes.

While waiting for our table, I literally had a whole crash out. My friend was telling me how her boyfriend is now friends with N, and I literally crashed the F out. Way different than I expected. Up until now, I thought I would be slightly happy with the possibility of him maybe coming back in my life. I knew I still felt some sort of feelings but I didn’t know what. I didn’t feel numb, like I felt for the rest of them. But I was absolutely disgusted. Like that man will never have access to me. The thought of him even having the slightest bit of access to me make me disgusted. Almost like if I were in the same room with him, I would immediately run out. He doesn’t even deserve to feel my aura. My body immediately went into fight or flight mode. Because giving him access to me would be the biggest disrespect to my healing and myself. I would be literally murdering myself, not even abandoning at that point. And I know I’m using strong words but that’s how strong I felt about this with the actual reality of him possibly even knowing the slightest bit about the new me. I wanted her boyfriend to cut off all relationship with him. Because he doesn’t get to know what I’m doing. And this was the biggest reality check for me and my feelings because again, until now, I thought I would feel butterflies and almost flirt a little if I saw him in a room. Now, I know. I would run the f out.

Still a bit distressed, we got our food. The food/drinks were asian, so we got some garlic noodles and salads altogether. Everything was good. I told them I was still thinking about the N situation a bit, and was a bit triggered by it. But eventually got over it. At the end we got a group picture too.

It was already late, so we quickly stopped by an airplane speakeasy and just took a picture of the inside since it was a bit empty and then headed to the nightclub.

As soon as we got to the nightclub it was popping. The music was great and lolol I was having the time of my life having water. The couple of guys came up to talk to me but I was just giving them dry answers. Honestly, I just wasn’t interested. There was an outdoor area too and we were all just having fun. The girls were drinking and talking to guys and I was just dancing on my own. I’ve accepted the fact that I am waiting for my person. I will not entertain or kiss any random person, especially since I haven’t done it for a whole year now. It all means more to me, now that I’ve had the discipline to hold out for it. No one gets access to me. My access and energy is divinely protected. I literally feel like a relationship virgin.

Anyways, I was having fun until my white friend said she didn’t want us to leave her alone with the guy she was with because she didn’t want to kiss him. And that’s when I became super protected and got in mom mode beacuse I was just trying to protect her. She also kept saying she wanted to go home, so I was trying to get the other girls to want to go home, but then my same white friend she didn’t want to get home, so I was mad annoyed and confused. We also left at 1:40, which was almost 4am for me in Chicago time, so I was also sleepy by that point. But the girls were hungry, so we got taco bell before I drove everyone home.

After coming home, me and my other friend did our night routine and immedietly went to bed.

Intuition - I respect myself to another level now where I refuse to give anyone access to me. A level of respect that I’ve actually never even had before.

9/10 - Overall had tons of fun, and I don’t mind my crash out because I’m so proud of the way I reacted. Was a little annoyed, but also didn’t mind.

Energy:

10% - club
10% - crash out

80% - pictures + vibes