5/28 - Sibling wound

So last night ended up being a lot. Out of nowhere a trigger/trauma popped up. In the past, I’ve been in good relationships and then as soon as their sibling sees me, they dislike me and then that shifts the dynamic of the relationship.

But the thing is, I think i’ve made it worse in my head and conditioned it in a different way.

It started with R where I thought we were doing great, and then my social anxiety kicked it when I first met his brother and his wife and I said something dumb, and ever since then they disliked me. Me and R still dated for a couple of months after.

But then this kind of happened with my J where his brother didn’t like me, but he still fought for me. I just freaked out and played the victim card because it was still a trauma for me. And I hadn’t healed from it.

Yesterday, like I mentioned, I basically got into a fight with my best friend’s sister. And that wound re-appeared. Like it doesn’t matter how much I know my best friend, she’s always going to misunderstand me in front of her sister because blood is always thicker than water.

But that wasn’t the case. She kind of didn’t take anyone’s side. But she didn’t disvalidate mine either. So I did some chat gpting, and my person is going to do the same. They’ll know me. They’ll know that I don’t say anything from a wrong place. They’ll acknowelge what I’m saying but will never “punish” me for saying the truth.

With R - The truth was that his sister-in-law was only 24 or 25. I didn’t fully know myself until I literally turned 26, 27. So she was young too. And they weren’t emotionally intelligent enough to know i was just nervous. They could sense something was off, and there was. Because I wasn’t fully being myself with them. Because I R wasn’t fully being himself with them, and I never wanted to overstep.

With J - I’m the one who literally let my anxious attachment spiral. I took his need for processing as immediate abandonment. The reality was that he actually never knew how to fight his brother, and I showed him that.

My best friend never abandoned me. I am not punished for speaking my truth. My person won’t either. This one feels like I’m healing a generational wound. Not just a small thing.

Woke up super early today because today was my best friend’s graduation, and I still needed to get flowers. I also didn’t want to be late. Ended up just going to Marianos and they were so expensive there.

Anyways, it was pouring, and I barely had gas but I kept going and prayed to be protected. Made it 10 minutes late, but still saw everything.

After her graduation, we took pictures. I took her to the library too, and met her other friends. Honestly, I was free and just being myself. But my other best friend was nervous, and I just told myself, I see it but its not my problem.

After that, I came home for my meetings. Lol I had my adaptagen drink, so I was so sleepy during my calls. Took a nap, woke up and went to walmart to get things for my best friend’s basket.

The truth is I did overextend myself today, but I just kept asking for strength, and reminded myself that I don’t have to do this until September now. Def need space. Everytime I over-extend myself, I drain myself out, so need space.

Was there and suprisingly everything went well. Like no one from my friend group was being weird. Which made me overthink a bit on if I’m being dramatic for wanting to cut my friends off. But I personally still felt slightly uncomfortable. My other best friend was thriving tho, which again affirmed that her social anxiety isn’t my problem. Because she clearly doesn’t say anything when I feel uncomfortable in certain situations.

I also don’t think my best friend’s knows that I blocked her lol.

Overall, I’m happy that today went very well for her. She deserves it. Especially since she always gives to everyone else.

Came home and cleaned, and tried on amazon stuff I ordered, but it’s all too small. So need to go to target tomorrow.

Felt a little disgusted in my body. I haven’t gotten my steps in for the past 2 days, so that always throws me off too, and leads to me overeating. Which all just makes me feel so terrible. I also didn’t post, so I’m just not proud of myself today.

I feel a bit lost again today, almost slightly doubting myself. Like am I making up everything I’m thinking? The past couple of days I felt like I was making progress. Today almost feels like slight regression.

But then, I saw old pictures of myself, and the place I was in at that time. And I did do it. I literally pulled myself out of all of that. I could have easily just given up and cried or settled, but I didn’t. I literally changed my whole life. And I can’t forget that.

I’m not imagining things.

There is a part of me that’s scared about leaving my mom. And I think I’m imagining bad things again to cope. I’ve been too happy about going on vacation, but I’m scared, and I feel the anxiety creeping in.

Intuition - I might be in my luteral phase or stars, and just upset for not getting my steps in

7/10 - Overall went well for her graduation, but I just don’t feel good.

Energy:
80% - my best friend’s graduation
20% - feeling lost and triggered, wanting to cry