5/27 - The weight of my ancestors
These journals and reflections are getting so long lol that I feel like I write a whole essay with a thesis every night.
Anyways last night was scary as fuck. A couple of months ago, on a random night, I felt the energy of two people watching over me, and I told my mom about it. But idk didn’t pay much attention to it, thought I was literally scaring myself out. But I knew I felt something.
But last night literally I know I wasn’t going crazy. I felt like my room had so many people in it. Like I sound bipolar as fuck and almost crazy, but I know what I felt. The fact that I know exactly how someone is feeling can’t be delusional. Like I can literally feel energies. Anyways I felt like so many people were watching me. But it wasn’t bad. It’s like they were protecting me and giving me their blessings and telling me to keep going and that they have are watching out for me. Nothing about it was bad. It was just overwelhming and a bit scary. And I keep seeing all these signs. Black ants from the south corner, lights flickering in the south corner. And seeing 444 everywhere. And then last night just all my ancestors. And I asked my mom and she said yesterday was a day in hinduism where ancestors can come visit. So I genuinely feel like I can’t be going crazy and all this has to be real.
It makes sense though. In my whole lineage, no one has ever healed. People from thousands of years have all passed away in pain. I’m the first person to ever heal in this lifetime to the point where I’m even healing my parents now and all their fears. And encouraging them for enlightenment and purpose. The whole narrative changes with me. I did all my shadow work. I’m the first person to not pass my trauma on. To start a bloodline of healing. Not only that but of wealth and purpose. Everyone was in survival mode until now. And everyone was poor. No one them were ever able to live their purpose.
This literally feels insane but I actually feel the weight of all my ancestors.
And yesterday, its like they all came to see me, and root for me.
Scared, i did some chat gpting and even my birth chart says all this. And it told me to just talk to them and imagine a gold light around me. And to tell them that I embody their strength, not their pain. I told them that I appreciate their blessings and that they can go now. And then I slowly started envisioning the gold light around me, then my room, then my house.
At the end, I felt the energy of one person before it cleared out. Like motherly love, but then she slowly left too.
Somewhere in the middle of this I even went to my mom’s room for a bit because I was so scared.
But for once, I understand how powerful I am beacuse I have the strength of not only myself, but of my past and future, and 1000s of ancestors.
Sometimes I sound super insane saying all this stuff, but I know what I’m feeling.
Anyways, this shook me the rest of the day.
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I’m also trying to redirect the hate I feel for my ex because it’s true even me hating him is me being tied to him, and I need to break free.
But I currently feel hate/anger, and I almost don’t know where to redirect it.
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In the morning I had to take my mom to a dentist appointment, where she got her tooth pulled out. And then came home and had a couple of meetings today, and then tried doing my hair with my dyson but lol it’s too much with my curly hair.
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Went to the temple and there I prayed to god to get rid of anything that’s in my way right now.
And immediatey there was drama and I blocked someone. Basically, it’s my best friend’s graduation tomorrow, and her sister was planning it, but she’s so shitty. Like she’s so type C, and my best friend is type A. No one knew the timings for anything, so I asked her and made a schedule. And her sister didn’t answer, so I just told my best friend. And my best friend literally appreciated it, but then her sister texted me saying I overstepped and some other bs, which got me really mad.
I told my best friend, but I think that overwhelmed her. But I was still pissed because I’m trying to make sure tomorrow goes good, and her sister was giving me anixety. But instead of arguing, I just blocked her because no one gets to talk to me like that. And I don’t know who she thinks she is sending me occasional aggressive messages. Like lol I don’t want that energy in my life. Neither do I care to have her in my life. So I blocked her and I don’t regret it. I would have done that years ago if she wasn’t my best friend’s sister. I can tell my best friend is mad but whatever.
I feel like this just uncovered another trigger or feeling, like I can never win over a sibling. And honestly, I’m okay with that. I’m just going to be myself and whoever sticks, sticks. I’m not altering my personality to be liked by a sibling. Idc. That’s people-pleasing.
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Also went to go to trader joes, jewels to get flowers, but no one had any good ones. And I still need to make a bouquet for my best friend, along with everything with her gift. So I’m currently slacking on things. Need to wake up early to get everything done.
Intuition - I’m going to be myself, and whatever is meant to fall off will fall off. I’m honestly ready to go full on crashing and burning everything.
6/10 - Very energy draining
Energy:
50% - feeling my ancestors
5% - just being myself and not giving a fuck
15% - drama
20% - recovering from drama
10% - trying to prepare for my best friend’s graduation
