5/26 - Creating from purpose not numbers

I woke knowing I needed to do a bunch of things but also there’s a sense of pressure that I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days. Like slightly overwhelmed to even journal or answer text messages. It feels like everyone wants a piece of my energy, so i’m trying to filter it out now. I can just be nice anymore or give people the same energy. Just feels like there’s always so much to do, and I keep checking my IG post to see the engagement on it.

Decided to just lay in bed and enjoy the silence to meditate. I needed to shut my brain off and just be present. That’s when I saw a post saying Rahu will make you chase success to the point the very things you thing you need to fill fulfilled will leave you feeling empty.

He’ll make the illusion work for you when you create from purpose and move without applause. The same concept keeps presenting itself to me right now. I think I finally have faith to continue without validation, that’s how sure I am about my dreams, and that’s how I speak about it.

But there’s still a need for applause. I’m literally unlearning my whole marketing life right now because from a marketing perspective, I would watch the watch time, figure out if the hook is landing, and see if it’s giving results. It’s analytical.

But now my heart is saying to just create from alignment. For my IG posts, I just know when things feel right. It lands for me, and that’s all that matters. I need to be happy with it.

I need to do the same with my series. I need to be happy with it and just keep going. It’ll feel like alignment in my heart.

And I understand why I’m having these lessons right now because the highest version would be chill. I value being present at the end of the day. The version that cares about “numbers” is the middle version of me. The one that’s chasing.

I need to not focus on growing, I need to focus on making a difference.

And I literally proved this because after yelling at my best friend last night, she woke up with a fire spring series and posted on her Tiktok.

My voice has power. My voice is changing lives. My voice is changing my best friend’s life.

And knowing this honestly feels like freedom. It feels like I just escaped the anxiety trap. My current board is missing a whole piece. Right now it’s fame, but it needs to be the purpose I bring into people’s lives. Literally I’m crying while writing this.

Spent the first half of my day finishing my journals, and then went to the gym. Was starting to have a bit of anxiety because I needed to start recording my journals today no matter what, so gave myself a time of everything needs to be done before 6:30pm.

I ended up going to target first because I was low on energy, so went to get a celsuis, and decided to also get some more adapten drinks. Little did I know it’s a whole category. Jay Shetty’s drink is also functional. This whole time I thought it was just tea. Anyways, got a bunch of brands and flavors and excited to do a whole taste test.

Then went to the gym, and I kind of got into a little fight with my best friend while I was texting her. For some reason, I was having a lot of sympathy on my friend’s ex. And think this was a sign because I hate my ex J, tbh ngl I’ve been actually hoping he gets his karma because of the way he hurt me, but I think I need to overcome my hate for him because it’s downgrading my frequency. The thing is I know why/what happened. And he was the worst because I was at my worst. But I still just have so much hate for him. Going to make it tomorrow problem though.

Got all my steps in, went to khols, and then decided to get some chipotle. After coming home and eating chipotle, finally got to work.

I made a whole set up for my journals based on my vision, changed into my PJs too, and did some slight makeup. It literally took forever getting the right angles, lighting, but did it. Just recorded clips of me writing, now I’m just going to add the voiceovers on top. I just hope the visual itself of me just writing doesn’t boring, but I genuinely think it’s sustainable.

Anyways, after filming, mom came home, and I called my dad. It’s his birthday today. Somehow I ended up taking about what I learned yesterday on karmic cycles, and told he needs to accomplish his goals because these are his lessons to learn. He’s always wanted to start a business. I feel like he’s finally going to do it this year. I told him he needs to stop being scared.

I’m having trouble naming my series. Idk if I should keep it the same or if I should change it. Nothing feels like it’s aligning right now.

Also, while I was at the gym, I kept reflecting on why I have the ability to immediately feel someone’s energy, but I’m not supposed to help them. Like it makes so sense to me and it just makes me feel shitty and uncomfortable, knowing that I could make things easier for them but I’m choosing not too. Still learning the boundary for it.

Intuition - I’m still praying that I find the right alignment for my series.

9/10 - Productive and freeing day

Energy:
80% - getting things on my to do list done

20% - cried/reflections