8/25/25 - No god

Today was such a hard mental day and I just feel like crying. Everything just feels so hard, and I’m literally crashing out. I don’t feel peace in anything. It’s almost like all the comfort tactics I learned are not working, and I didn’t realize how much would be affected if my external home was affected.

What I feel:
- Rationally everything is okay. Like I’m safe. My mom is safe. And things could be worse. Literally, even my house looks like nothing happened to it. And the stuff that got damaged was the stuff I was going to throw out anyways. I’m also not being kicked out.

It’s crazy to me how everything happened 2 weeks ago. Just 2 weeks ago, I was at so much at peace.

The thing that’s really throwing me off is that literally nothing external is giving me comfort. Even when my mom was in the hospital, I didn’t feel alone. I knew god was with me. I felt his presence. And I would talk to my other friend, and knew she was there for me. Walking on my favorite path also gave me comfort. External things were giving me comfort.

Right now, nothing external is. My room feels like a box. I don’t feel at peace sleeping. My house feels temporary. I don’t feel like doing my routine. I don’t find comfort in my friends. I don’t feel god’s presence. Even my normal walk isn’t working. Food isn’t working. Holding my mom’s hand isn’t working. NOTHING IS WORKING. And I’m going crazy.

The only thing I have is an inner knowing that everything is going to be alright. I don’t even know where’s from. God? Universe? Future me? I have confidence in this inner knowing.

You know up until now. I always thought no matter what happened, when I called god, I would feel his presence. But for the first time, I don’t feel him when I need him.

I never felt alone. This is the first time I am feeling alone and idk how to cope with it.

_

Woke up and immediately started calling to find a new endocrinologist but no one was giving appointments without a referral. Also texted the guy for the northbrook house and he said October 5 doesn’t work.

Did some chat gpting and found out that urgent cares and give a temporary prescription but I was having a hard time making an online appointment with my insurance.

For the house guy - I’m not bending to anyone. I get what I want. Nothing meant for me can miss me. Maybe I’m meant to be in another house.

Stressed - made eggs, paratha, and coffee instead. Kept washing everything before using.

Then took my meeting and honestly everyone is just so slow. Like even the new guy is trash and slow af.

Went to go watch TV with mom, came back and somehow made an appointment directly with blue cross, so got the medication sent over.

Took a nap and then woke up and felt desperate to find happiness and comfort that I told my mom we were going to the beach with middle eastern wraps, but put my foot outside and saw it was cold.

So decided to order uber eats instead for falal wraps and acai bowls as dessert. I didn’t care. The food was good but it didn’t solve my comfort issue.

Went to my room to watch netflix and again was interesting but didn’t help me feel at peace.

Idk if my nervous system is just super f’ed up right now. Even talking to it is not working.

We cleaned up some bit and realized the dish washer wasn’t working, so I pulled it out but later found out I just needed to turn a switch on but I couldn’t put it back in. So I had to text the landlord’s wife and she said the owner is coming, so now I have anxiety again because I’m basically avoiding him and don’t want any communication with him.

I’m just going to lock myself in my room and pretend to be on a work call when he comes tomorrow.

At night, I did a saje cleanse and finished watching “wednesday”.

Intuition - I need to find internal grounding.

4/10 - All this shit feels so hard

Energy:
100% - Crashing out and trying to find grounding/peace