8/20/25 - Feeling pain and healing in real time

At night, I literally kept tossing and turning because I kept thinking about everything I needed to write in my statement letter for my case.

I ended up catching up on all my journals and finished the work I needed to get done, but I was too tired to finish the statement, so I decided I was going to wake up in the morning and do it.

Something interesting I noticed is that I feel sleepy here at like 12pm, when at home I can’t sleep until 3am. My body feels grounded and safe here. When at home it’s like the walls haunt me, which is crazy.

Anyways, at first I woke up at 6am, but then went back to sleep. And then woke up at 9am and got straight to writing. There was no resistance or procrastination. I knew it was time.

After writing, I chat gpted a statement and felt so much better. I started contacting agencies this time with the actual hope they’d answer but I didn’t realize how difficult it was going to be to get a hold of someone. Nevertheless, I’m ready.

Made my farmers market eggs for breakfast and then made coffee and went outside to drink it. Put my feet in the grass too. Ngl I’m really getting used to this home life.

I dropped my aunt off, and then mom and I went to target. I needed to see if Ulta had the stuff I was looking for, for my friend’s gift but it needed.

I decided I was going to call a laywer, so sat in the car and called chicago’s helpline. The wait was long so I went into and warmed up food, but that’s when I got a lawyer on the phone so went back outside.

Basically, the lawyer told me that I shouldn’t sue him just yet, because if I ended the lease early, they could add in something that says I’m not allowed to sue. So she told me to not let them know I’m planning anything, and that I had 2 years to do this. Ngl I felt a bit of happiness knowing I had time to figure this out. And the advice felt legit.

I went back inside and ate the biryani.
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My cousin was being weird and bipolar. Idk why. I was supposed to hang out with the new girl but I told her I needed to reschedule. Normally, I would never do that and force myself to go hang out. Today, I didn’t really care. I did what I needed to do. Also made an appointment to go look at a house on monday.
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At night me and my cousin had ice cream and we watched movies. We watched the oxford year and it was soo cute and sad.

Overall August has always been my worst month. This time everything feels soooo much harder because it’s the first time I’m also healing in real time. Up until now, I would be so numb and I would have the strength to deal with things.

Like even when my mom was sick, I was literally so numb. And was just dealing with it. Everyone kept asking me how I was so strong and I didn’t know myself. But then it would all store in my body and I would have health issues and would have to release the trauma.

This time, I’m healing at the same time of dealing with it. I’m crying and processing all at once. Good news is it won’t bite me in the ass month’s late. Bad news is I’m literally miserable right now.

6/10 - Sad, sacred, and healing and enduring. It all feels so hard. But just sitting there watching movies felt good. It felt like time stopped.

Intuition - I’ll get through it.

Energy:
40% - trying to figure out next steps
40% - feeling miserable
20% - enjoying, living in the moment, watching movies