8/10/25 - anxiety with healthy friendships, family trauma
I feel like today was already emotionally heavy.
I kind of woke up feeling a bit insecure, and couldn’t help but think if my content wasn’t blowing up cause people didn’t think I was pretty, which I mentally know is false. Literally the only reason why I’ve being blocked is because I’m still being prepared.
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And then the new girl messaged me inviting me to sunrise pilates, when literally I was tripping up over her not putting in effort yday. Clearly, it’s not my intuiton and its my anxiety. My nervous system was so whack that I had to talk to it again. I realized, I’ve been in the drivers seat for so long, that I actually don’t know what a healthy friendship looks like that just plays out on its own without one person being overly anxious or avoidant.
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I kind of sort of yelled at my mom again because she didn’t put a filter in the AC for 3 days, and she said she forgot, but for me it’s like you forgot but I always have to do damage control. So I clearly still feel like she doesn’t take accountability.
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Anyways went to go shave and then dyed my mom’s hair since we were going to a party tonight. Then ate and realized today was 15 years since my dad left and I haven’t seen him. But somehow I kind of don’t feel anything anymore. It feels like another day.
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Anyways, I got ready and we were going to go to the essie popup but it took too long getting out of the house. My makeup was not slapping, so re-did some of it, and then did my mom’s makeup.
Made a stop at the bank and walgreens before going to the location. It was at theater at the lake, and I actually run past it all the time.
I was having a bit of anxiety before going there and wanted to look perfect because I feel like we’ve always been looked at as the bichari people, like pitty invites, and that frustrates me. Because no. I can see right through people. I literally started crying when their daughter got married because how left out I felt and ngl i’m about to do the same to them at my wedding. We literally sat at the back table, and lmao I’m literally about to do the same thing to them because that’s not respect for family. Lmao like my other aunt just wanted to take a selfie, and I can’t wait to do that to her.
I used to be sad but not anymore. This time I glowed up too, and people were staring at me, but I was hoping I was giving magnetic, idgaf energy. I was also sitting at the same table as arrange marriage guy’s aunt, and this other guy’s mom. The aunty said she found my tiktok too lmao.
Basically was chilling with the aunties, and tbh I didn’t mind. The butter chicken was good. And everyone went outside to chill by the lake for a bit after dinner.
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On our way home, I was just dreaming about how many people I was going to have at my wedding because again money is abundant and at one point I used to worry, but not anymore. The universe will provide.
I came home and saw a tiktoker that flew up literally talk about everything I’ve been learning about getting abundance when you’re in your feminine energy. Literally still find it crazy how the universe gives me these lessons for fame on my own. Proof of everything that’s on its way to me.
Also my viral tiktok got banned lmao, but i’m not mad about it. Maybe it’s not a good look for my brand and the purpose of it was to give me confidence.
I also started a medicine to induce my period. Feel like I need to get the blood out.
Also, my other cousin that I helped a while ago just started dating someone, and tbh they look like each other and something tells me she’s the one for him. I just hope he takes this slow this time around. He said thank you to me though. So cute.
Intuition - It’s okay to have all these emotions. Just clearing everything out
6/10 - Kind of an emotional day
Energy:
50% - easing my anxiety
30% - getting ready
20% - just trying to be present
