7/30/25 - who am I
After laughing about it yday of me thinking a gay guy was the love of my life. It kind of made sense today and what the lessons from it all might of been.
1. Any type of connection where I feel something just means they might be a frequency match, doesn’t mean they’re my person.
2. When I step into a life that’s meant for me, everyone will feel like this because in order to get close to me, you literally have to be my frequency. It’s no longer like my childhood where once in a blue moon, I see someone I like and find special. Now, i don’t even entertain people so literally everyone will feel like a connection. Doesn’t mean they’re all my people.
3. I’m pretty sure god wanted to show me how to dicern between platonic male friendships and that I’m about to have those in my life, which also means every guy that I feel a frequency match with isn’t my person.
4. I’m still probably going to be working with my person and this was to give me a preview.
5. Last and most important of them all, my nervous system needed to learn how to trust myself again to get into true soulmate alignment and this was to get it there. This time I didn’t abandon myself the slightest bit and I’ve fully earned the trust of my nervous system and inner child. This time when I see find my person, my nervous system doesn’t need to fight me like it did this time. It’ll trust me instead.
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Last night, I slept good and then woke up made myself coffee and eggs, watched TV with mom, and then had a yapping session with my coworker. We basically did a psychoanalysis on my boss and I basically explained to her how he’s actually pretty depressed now.
I had also gotten an email from the malta event today and it pissed me off so was ranting to her about it.
Lmao I had a call with the new guy today and the way I switched to having zero feelings was crazy. It was almost like the past 2 days didn’t happen, neither did I feel anything today. I feel like I had some sort of glasses on those two days and today I was back to being normal me. Literally crazy as f on how this retrograde fooled me, made me learn my lesson, and now I’m back to normal life like nothing ever happened.
Anyways, the call with him was good and efficient, basically doing the bare minimum of training him on brand voice.
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For dinner, I decided to get a chicken philly sandwich from the place across my house and while I was waiting in line I was really pondering on what content to make and it randomly kind of hit me that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Until now, I feel like I was defined by all my pain and then I was defined by what I provide to the world. I’m nothing like I used to be.
Before I thought I could make content on healing content, coffee places, transitions, friendship, etc. But none of that is me right now. I don’t want to make content from a place of hurt, I make coffee at home, I barely dress up and I’m trying to minimize my style, and I’m in my period of being away from friends.
So none of that resonates with me. I think I’m having an identity crisis because yeah I know I have to show up as myself online, but I don’t even know what “myself” is. I litrerally have no opinions about anything to make hot takes. I’m just chilling and detoxing left over things.
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Anyways came home and was watching TV with mom, and then went to my porch to read a book that I started today about the power of storytelling.
Everyone keeps saying tomorrow is an important day to uncover hidden truth lmao so now I’m curious.
I also woke up feeling so ugly. I didn’t go to my laser appointment yesterday because I felt so fed up of it all. I feel hairy and just want a permanent solution to it. I hate my hair right now. It’s curly and messy af. I desperately want to chop it all off and get rid of it. My skin feels dull af. I need to get my eyebrows done. Idk I’m just really going through it all.
I want to go on a self-date for my 1-year single anniversary and while I was sitting outside I was like wow this feels so good but also like what do I even post for my 1-year anniversary.
NOTHING FEELS LIKE IT"‘S WORKING! NOTHING FEELS LIKE ALIGNMENT, NOTHING IS CLICKING OR CLEAR.
5/10 - Feeling very lost and confused on my content
Intuition - I know I’m in devine timing but who am I
Energy:
20% - pissed about malta
20% - psychoanalysis
20% - feeling lost
20% - teaching new guy
20% - in the moment
