4/2/26 - Being a director, working with room energies, disconnection with my mom
I woke up and started reflecting on how the past couple of projects haven’t been THAT draining. It was moderate. Nothing where I’m super anxious or to the point where my body remembers it.
It’s because I wasn’t the relational energy. That’s the answer.
Up until now, I did everything by myself because I didn’t want my visibility to be diluted but this time for the Eid event, I basically just carried the frequency, and I got the praise for it. The opportunity came to me, the billboard at the event idea was the other persons, I didn’t even go or create content, the team did that. All I really did was order the gifts and pack them with my mom, which wasn’t THAT bad.
And I got the praise for it. This invalidates my fear of having to many people involved. It’s not like before where others were a part of the project and I was invisible. I wasn’t the frequency back then, my coworker was. That’s why she got the praise for it. And I almost took that as trauma to do everything by myself.
I think I got it for my billboard project. Having other people be the relational energies. This event showed me that if it’s my project, no matter who I include in it. I get the praise for it.
Even if I do minimal work for it, being the guide is everything.
My job is to carry the frequency not do all the work to try to get as much credit.
I am a director for the execution and sure I can even do the work as long as I don’t tie my energy to other people or burn myself out to the point I hate it.
Everything my chart said about me just being a “director” finally all makes sense to me and why and how even the past few weeks were training. I actually don’t have to be physically or even relationally present anywhere. I just need to carry the frequency from vision to end. That’s how the end project stays pure. That’s how I can have it all.
When I first heard this, it made no total sense. Like why would I out source and dilute my credit when I can do it all. It’s because I need to increase capacity and keep the frequency. It makes so much sense now.
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While I was thinking about this, I started thinking about how each room in my house carries energy. I haven’t been able to work in my office because it’s just so bright and like high cortisol. Especially when I just want to journal or work in a chill environment, I’ve still been working in my bedroom.
But I also can’t work out in my bedroom because in my bedroom my body wants to relax not workout. In the office room, my body wants to be super high energy productive.
That got me thinking, what if I move things to different rooms based on their energy to flow better. My mandir area is where I sit on the floor and ground myself. My office is where I workout somehow (need to find the perfect spot for it in my office) and work. And my bedroom is where I’m just by myself, where I can go inward. Think, journal, get alone time. My living room forces me to be present with chairs. Our downstairs basement is where my mom and I have been relaxing and spending time.
I’m trying to figure out how to flow with the energies in each room to create a perfect routine.
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Helped the social media guy with a script. I actually loved it. He’s like a lowkey softie and actually has some depth.
Synced with the influencer girl too for a bit.
Ate some sweet baklava and literally had a whole sugar crash again, so took a nap and felt so tired when I woke up.
We went to the mandir again and my old neighbors saw me. At first I was without makeup, so I felt insecure but I had to remind myself that I’m not just confident when I have makeup on. I’m the one that carries the aura. I need to be able to make eye contact and have confidence. So I switched my energy. He even gave me $20, which felt like a nice surprise. I haven’t gotten money from someone in so long that it kind of touched my heart.
At the mandir again people kept telling me to get married and buy a house, which was pissing me off. Like why don’t people shut up and stop giving unsolicited advice. The fact that no one understands my frequency is crazy. It feels like I’m in between wrong people.
Called my dad and gave him courage to stop being super safe and that he needs to take a risk to buy the opportunity god is giving him on a silver platter.
My dad gets it. He gets everything I say about why I’m not buying a house or getting married. More than my mom.
I did pray for something interesting at the mandir today. Almost a way to see my mom’s value. I love her of course. But I don’t have admiration for her like I have for my dad. Somehow, i’m exactly like my dad and I get everything he said and says. I just get it.
My mom doesn’t get it. And I know her aura is love and warmth but the crazy part is I never got that love. I also think I love of her need for friendships is from anxiety. She doesn’t like being alone or sitting with herself. She’s not that anchored. So what is actually her? What’s her survival identify? I’m almost trying to look at her beyond the surface, but I just can’t.
I love her, but I just feel so disconnected from her. And it’s driving me crazy seeing the connection I have with my dad. My mom is special but something feels so off in it all. I feel so numb. Like what is happening, and why is this happening?
Will my whole family ever be in alignment? Will my mom even get out of her survival identity and just get it like my dad and I?
All I know is that she has one thing that my dad and I don’t have. It’s warmth. People literally gravitate towards her. She makes friends in like 10 minutes. She’s never alone. My dad and I are alone.
