4/3/26 - Learning true unconditional love

Last night, I realized that I’m disgusted by someone’s fear. Because now I know it’s all a mental game and the only thing keeping someone in survival with their circumstances is their own fear and lack to help themselves. Their potential could be something completely different.

I think I resent my mom because of how everything she does is from a mode of fear and survival. Even my dad, he gets it, but his fear is literally the only thing stopping him from achieving all his goals. That’s how close he is to his alignment, and I see it.

And him willingly staying in his situation, while complaining, is like don’t even talk to me. I just feel so much resentment. Like your fear is the reason why my life was shaped like this. If you acted on your fear, my life would be completely different.

I’ve been praying to feel close to my mom, and claude almost threw a slap in my face.

I’m at a point in my life where I can tell who is operating from survival and I distance myself from them. But I can’t abandon my mom. Neither do I want to. Especially after seeing her almost die, she’s the only thing that matters at the end of the day. Without her, none of this even matters.

My mom is here to teach me unconditional love. Without her, I would literally throw out anyone that has a low frequency. But my own mom just doesn’t get it. Neither do I think she ever will. I’m at a point, where I just have to love her for who she is, instead of trying to change her. Her level of wisdom is what I was when I was 11 years old. And this whole time I’ve just been trying to force her to learn to catch her up to me. When she doesn’t learn, I just grow more resentment, disgust, and further apart.

Before - I would give unconditional love and lose myself in it
Then - I only gave conditional love and never lost myself
Now - I need to give unconditional love without losing myself

Low frequency people have warmth, no wisdom
High frequency people don’t have warmth, but have wisdom

That’s how I bring back community and people in my life, just by accepting people for who they are without judging them.

It’s like what I felt when that guy gave me unsolicited advice. He doesn’t know my timeline. Everything has its right time.

Tbh I highly believe the fact that they even come into contact with me means I play a role in their timeline. Because everyone I meet is intentional.

Right now, it feels really hard and draining. To just hold space for people and just see them. Like idk what I’m getting out of it. It just feels like jesus level work. And I get why I had to learn soft love too. That’s what it is…

see them and give them soft love. That’s how I became memorable to them. I hit their touchpoints.

Again, right now i get the theory but when it comes to action I still don’t know how to just see my mom, without resentment, and just give her gentle love.

I don’t know how to do this without not draining myself because so far I don’t see how it’s energizing me short term. Long term I do see that I’ll have people. Not like how other rich people are so lonely.

I’m meant to have wisdom and warmth. People and knowledge. That’s why I am the way I am. That’s why I just have to accept that my mom will never catch up.

I have to learn how to give people unconditional love because that’s what love actually is. That’s what unlocking the heart actually is.

Anyways, got some amazon boxes today, so have just been unpacking those.

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I don’t have to hold anyone I don’t feel like holding. It’s not my responsibility. And I’m not god.

Just seeing someone, genuinely separates me from them and protects my frequency. Right now, I’m still intertwined and get reactive about their words. It’s almost learning how to ignore them because I can see right through them.

I might be learning how to breath before responding.

Claude says I’m learning how to transcend - seeing it fully and not being moved by it.

Like I needed from my mom that day. Just showing soft love, and being present. Not feeding into their energy or performing my wisdom.
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Mom and I went to macys to get a dress for my photoshoot and the bday. I was just praying I would find something, and I think I did. I’m at a point where I just completely trust the process. Including the dress, I am someone to find not find.

My best friend came over at night to sleepover, so ordered pizza and sushi for dinner, and then we watched a bollywood movie.

I forgot to call my dad, so he was pissed.