3/23/26 - Living by “Permission to have it all” guilt free

Woke up feeling super annoyed. As soon as I checked my work stuff everyone was being so annoying with problems. And the fact that I had to problem solve everything was annoying me even more. Had a call with my other employee about how the new girl needs to learn structure a bit, right now she’s way too careless.

On the other note, the news was definitely bad about everything going on at airports. Throughout the day, I kept wondering if I should ask for the universe to create a safe path for me, still go if the universe doesn’t, or not go.

It all just felt so foggy. I wasn’t scared for some reason, despite how scary things were. I had a lot of internal trust that nothing would happen to me and I would be safe, but at the same time.. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of showing the universe and pushing through pain and fear. At some point, I want clear paths, not just constant tests.

I ate, and ending up napping. I don’t think my nap was from low blood sugar this time. It was more so of just from feeling exhausted.

Mom took a nap too, and later kept debating if I wanted to go to my yoga class or not. Before entering, something just hit me.

I know if I go, I’ll be safe. I trust my internal compass more than anything.

But I also know I’ll still be hypervigilant and my nervous system will be a wreck. It won’t feel safe.

So in the name of “permission to have it all”

I choose safety and expansion.

I won’t compromise my nervous system just for expansion even though I know my internal compass.

I asked the universe for a clear path of safety, and I didn’t get it.

If the universe wants me to expand and live out my purpose, it needs to create circumstances for me to do so. I refuse to live at the level and circumstances it gives me to continue to always fight, the universe needs to match me now. And meet me where I need to be met in order to expand.

I am choosing to live by my feminine energy and flow when things feel easy, not when I have to fight for my life just to get an ounce of happiness.

I also no life meets you at your level. If I keep expecting these shitty circumstances, my external circumstances won’t upgrade for me. There’s no need. Almost like if you accept shitty guys, there’s no need for a good guy.

And tbh I was already going from a place of fear in the first place, this whole situation just heightened it to an unbearable level. Again, shining light on it extra hard.

This is what felt right. During my yoga class, it all just felt so peaceful. Sometimes I wonder how all I do is easy stuff, in a room full of people. Why do I spend so much money and time to come to class, and yesterday, I feel like I found my answer. It’s the energy and frequency in the room that I can’t recreate no matter what.

Probably need to join a gym soon too. Came home and my mom said the same thing. We don’t feel like we have a proper routine yet. Everything feels out of order right now.

I was really upset at night, almost like why did this have to happen to me… where right when I’m about to expand, the universe puts a blocker in front of me in which I can’t even externally expand. I was really hurt, especially since I was looking forward to it. Also like wtf… I worked my whole life for these big rooms and still don’t get access to it.

And then I’m like what about my times square project? What if I can’t even be a part of that because of all these blockers.

I was sad. And just hoped the universe would finally match my internal safety to my external safety. When things would finally work for me, when I would no longer have to fight for everything.

At night, talked to my dad for a bit, he took his neighbor to the hospital so he was a bit tired. Mom ended up sleeping in my room because she found a huge centipede in her room and tried to kill it but it hid somewhere in her room, so she got scared.