11/15/25 - Surrendering in love, fighting for my inner child from 6 years ago, no dating apps
I couldn’t sleep last night so was on my phone for a bit, and then decided to play my deep sleep mediation again.
Woke up from the best dream I’ve probably had in a couple of months.
I somehow had a kid in the dream and was taking care of the kid, but sort of kind of knew this guy. He always made my life easier behind the scenes, not really directly. He didn’t add to my burden. He was just so understanding about it, especially when I had emergencies with my kid.
And then there was this one meeting where everyone was sitting down and I was looking for him. I thought he sat somewhere else and was about to just be like ohh, but then he comes sits next to me with food and flowers. Not even expecting a thank you. It was so casual. It’s like he somehow knew I was ready for more.
Not in a performative, or trying to impress me, or expecting me to fall head over heels. It’s like he did it because he just wanted to, in a subtle way it’s like he was showing me I was taken care of. His aura felt like I was part of his circle. Not in a super protective way or anything. I get a little soft and girly and tell him thank you for the flowers.
I really wanted to buy him a drink just because I wanted to and he was like no I’ll drink mocktails with you. The ones he already bought. To make me feel at ease that I don’t drink and he wasn’t even forcing me to eat. It was fun food. Haha Cheetos with cheese and dorito seasoning on top. I get in “me” energy and start telling him a story.
When I was getting up, he lended his hand, and we touched. He led me out while holding my hand and its almost like time froze for me and I was just following him.
That’s when I felt attraction. Up until then I was just shocked that he was being so nice. When he dropped me off he didn’t expect a kiss or anything. He just hugs me and leaves to make sure we’re not going too fast or I don’t feel pressured.
It was perfect. I feel like this is the first time I felt grounded love. Where he just knew when I was ready for next steps and showed up that way.
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All this time, I was almost confused because I know I have very protective and guarded energy to that point you can’t really go up to me until I give up some sort of sign that you can. So I thought I would be the one scanning first, would get some sort of intuition this is my person, give him the signal, and then that’s how he would continue. I thought I had to be active, and because I wasn’t active that’s what was stopping me from finding my person, like I wasn’t giving enough signals to guys or something. That’s probably why I’ve been trying to scan a bit more the past couple of months, and not just be in my own world. But that hasn’t been working cause if I made eye contact with guys, I start analyzing them, and then get too invested. That’s what happen with bar guy. I made eye contact, he was invested in me. I started analyzing him to see if he could be my person, but then I could read right through and saw he was super anxious and in the moment I almost wanted to ease his anxiety but was trying not to do anything, and it just felt awkward but I was also too invested cause I got a read on him.
This is the first time my dream guy just kind of worked into my world. He made it though the barriers and my birth chart said it’s because my soul subconsciously gave him an approval with my guard not being up around him. I didn’t come in consciously until he started persuing me and showing up for me.
All in all… moral of the story is. I don’t need to do anything. No scanning, nothing. It’ll all just happen normally. I don’t have to be active about anything. It will almost feel like someone just magically gets me and it will look like “he knows first”.
So for the first time… I’m just fully surrendering in love. I don’t need to do anything. It’ll all just happen on its own at the right time.
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Decided to watch some Gilmore Girls, and then went outside to tell my mom I was going to spend time with her. Originally, I wanted to go on a walk cause the weather was so nice, but I realized I’ve just been going in and out of the house for 2 days just doing my own thing. Cleaned my room, and then went outside to eat lunch.
Mom was having low blood pressure, so gave her lemon water. We normally watch TV but she said it was giving her a headache and just felt like too much noise, so we decided not to watch TV. My masi called her to talk about her son’s biodata and stuff.
We were just about to hang out when she said something that fully triggered me. She said “don’t you care about your mother. You need to get married. It’s your responsibility, all the other kids do it cause they’re worried about their parents”. The one line that fucked me up 6 years ago, and put me in so much damage for 6 years. The wrath i felt was sooooo insane. I instantly started screaming because I was frustrated; she still didn’t get how she fucked up my life 6 years ago.
6 years ago, my mom started guilt tripping me saying “you don’t care about your mom? It’s your responsibility to get married to put your mom at ease. Other kids do it”. And that poison worked on me that’s why I was in toxic relationships. I was with V just because I saw he wanted to get married so I tried my best to make it work with him but I would choke at a lifetime with him, and eventually walked away. And then I started dating people giving them a timeline to see if they aligned with it. Like hey I’m looking for something serious and I’d like to get married in 2 years and just finding a person that’s aligned. Even after a serious breakup, I forced myself to get back in the dating scene because I was “running out of time”.
Until I just stopped everything altogether and stopped giving a shit. I needed to heal, and I stopped dating for a year and a half. My mom didn’t say anything for a bit, so I thought she finally learned.
But today she tried using the same line again and I was just sooo frustrated because 6 years ago this very thing ruined my life. And if I was weak again, she would emotionally manipulate me again, ruining more years of my life.
Before she did this 6 years ago, I always wanted to date for the right reasons. Like I needed to find a connection and I didn’t care about timelines or end goals I just wanted to take it day by day. But she’s the one that poisoned me, so I blame her. And the audacity she had to do that again right when I’m surrendering and trusting god. She’s creating a sense of lack and urgency, and I’m standing up to her. And top of that she has the audacity to threaten me saying she’s going to India in a year and she’s tired. Like no tomorrow. I don’t care. You are definitely not here for me.
And I will take my time. Because doing something with non-intentions is never the answer. And I’m on divine timing, divinely protected.
I feel like today I protected the inner child in me that needed protection 6 years ago. I protected my devine timing, self worth and intuition.
I feel like today was the day I was really surrendering in love, where I’m like it’ll just all happen. I don’t need to be prepared, do anything different or anything. Just be me and live. And god tested me with that one thing that broke me years ago to see if I was really ready to surrender by giving me the same trigger. And I fought for myself like no other today because today I wasn’t clouded. Today I had clarity and wisdom from my own intuition and path.
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Still angry, I locked myself in my room, and fell asleep, and now refuse to talk to her or go out of my room. I just pray she learns what she did too, cause clearly she hasn’t learned.
All this also happened right when I was caring about my mom’s needs a bit too much. Like yday, I came home because I didn’t want to keep my mom waiting too long, and even today, I didn’t go on a walk because I didn’t want to leave her alone. And god shows me why I always need distance from her.
I also feel like today I did what I did that day with my boss, where my vision is so clear, no one can mess with it.
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I’ve also been thinking about giving dating apps a shot again but this explains why I can’t because I would be giving multiple people approval to get to me that one protective layer. They’ve love bomb me again and I would just fall into the same trap of crazy love. I need slow and steady. I’m at a point where I don’t care anymore. I’ll wait and just focus on me. Universe knows what it needs to do.
_
Drank some hot chocolate, journaled and then watched a movie while getting some steps in. Felt like I needed to just move. The movie was interesting. It was about dreams and how sometimes even when you want things to be perfect, the reality is better.
Took a shower, and then ate a whole girl dinner with a bunch of random stuff - some chocolate, hummus and crackers, indian grilled cheese, a soda, and some ice cream. Watched Gilmore girls while eating, washed the dishes, and did my night routine.
Also saw 11:11 today, so happy.
Intuition - I feel like I almost closed my loop on my karmic relationships today by standing up to my mom.
6/10 - I ended up spending it alone but my night with girl dinner and netflix felt perfect.
Energy:
50% - fighting my mom
40% - recovering from my mom
10% - girl dinner, netflix, and vibes
