11/14/25 - Fear of being misunderstood, spark means it unlocked something in me not them

I slept so good yesterday after my meditations and yoga, but I did have a 2 hour wake window where I ended up thinking a bunch before going back to bed.

Since the guy from club texted me again, and then my IG crush too, it got me thinking. I do feel something for them. Like I was intrigued, there was something there and in the past every time I’ve felt something I’ve always mistaken them for my soulmate or some way that they could help me. I’ve always wondered what their purpose in my life was. Especially cause no one really makes it through my heart, so when they do, I feel like there’s a reason. I’ve always thought of it to be good until now. Like a good test or advancing something I want.

But maybe I have it all wrong according to chatgpt. It’s not they’re special. It’s that they’re revealing something about myself that I need to still work on.

Like club guy. Now that I felt seen in stillness, I almost needed validation from him that I was understood in stillness too. Like he didn’t just think I was too boring. But why? Why do I need his validation. Why am I so scared to be misunderstood, which also goes back to yesterday where I felt the need to react quickly so my boss didn’t misunderstand me or my parent company boss didn’t misunderstand me. It hurts my soul when people misunderstand me.

But I can’t… famous people are always misunderstood. They can’t fight everyone. They cut the noise and stay anchored in who they are. The people who are meant for me will see my frequency. I need to be okay with being still and honestly okay with being misunderstood because until then I’ll still be “proving” and “surviving”.

Even DJ guy, I wanted to make sure he thought I was cool through my IG. Proving because I don’t want to be misunderstood.

Overall, every time I feel a connection with someone. I need to ask myself what does this connection tell me about myself, not go analyze them.

Woke up and then showered to go to my yoga class again. I was freezing my classpass for 2 months - might bring it down to 1 month because I wanted to build an at home routine with my workouts & yoga. I need to be more consistent to really lock in with my fitness. I can’t just do things on the fly anymore. Walking is good and all but I want to get toned now. And I know I can do anything I set my mind to.

Anyways, drove to ritual hot yoga. Haven’t been there in so long but really got a back stretch in. Again no crying though. Also the weather was so nice. I was originally going to go get coffee, but I don’t really like outside coffee anymore, so I went to trader joe’s and got a bunch of stuff instead. They had the seasonal hot chocolate I was looking for, so got that along with some cinnamon bun syrup to try out with my coffees. Came home and was starving. Made eggs and avocado and then tried making Cinnamon bun coffee but it didn’t really turn out so good.

For work - the new girl is really going above and beyond and I love it. She really reminds me of old me when I started, that just cared so much.

Took a brief nap, watched Gilmore girls and my friends said they had already left their house while I didn’t even start getting ready, so I started getting ready.

I was trying not to let the urgency rush me because when I’m rushed that’s when I get anxiety and it throws my femine energy off. I was really waiting for my brown boots to come in on time but they didn’t, so I ended up wearing other boots. And did a whole black jacket with black boots theme instead of brown jacket and brown boots. It also took a bit longer to find some of the things I was supposed to give them. But eventually left. The traffic was soo much that it took 55 minutes to even get to west loop.

We didn’t have any reservations, so we had just decided to go and put our names down. Every place they went to had a 3 hour long wait, but as soon as I got their I found a resy available for the vig and found a parking garage. Basically like always, people rushing me is such a false sense of urgency because I always make it to places at the right time.

This time also felt special because I feel like I see these friends after such long periods that they always end up questioning me about my life and I just end up oversharing. They’re the last ones to ever see me crazy drunk too. My goal for today was just to stay emotionally regulated and not start anxious talking.

As soon as I saw them they complimented my outfit and perfume, and said I smelled important. I felt like my aura was also important vibes. I wasn’t dressed in just jeans. I was confident. The walk was 15 minutes away but it was nice outside so we didn’t really mind it. During the walk, I was almost okay with just answering and letting my friend take over the conversation.

The restaurant was really pretty. We ended up ordering family style for everything. I was super fascinated with these of all the pictures. They were sooo good. It was 1920s themed, with a little seductive but just feminine energy pictures. Loved it and was almost getting inspo for my own photoshoot.

Throughout dinner, again I was answering things, and even allowing moments of silence but remained emotionally regulated and didn’t overshare anything. I feel like they left dinner knowing nothing new about me, which is great. Somewhere while we were eating, they were trying on my adjustable rings, and my other friend wanted to see what the size of my ring finger was so she gave me her engagement ring to try. And it felt different. It felt real, unlike all the fake rings I’ve been putting on myself. Idk there was a minute of value to it that kind of shocked me. Like this could be on my finger too. I really thought engagement rings lost value in my head just because I used to occasionally wear fake ones, but this one just felt so different even though it wasn’t mine. It almost felt like it was mine. It felt more believable that I too can get engaged soon (lmaoo even though I don’t have anyone).

After dinner, we went to the bathroom and got a couple of minutes in, and right when we were leaving the vig turned into a club. The girls wanted to go back to the car and pregame. I told them, I wanted to go home by 12 at the latest. I felt weird keeping my mom waiting for too long, especially since I knew she was worried about and wouldn’t sleep until I came home.

I was getting a little annoyed because they were just slowly drinking. Like I thought they knew my timeframe, so they would quickly drink and then we would go to the clubs for a bit. I was also getting in the mood to dance with the music playing in the car. They were just taking their sweet time, so at 11:15pm, I told them I was going to head out. They were talking about their boyfriends and I didn’t feel jealous at all. I knew mine was coming soon too. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.

Overall, I wish they were a bit more respectful and upfront about what they wanted to do. Cause we decided to pregame and then go the bars, so I could leave by 12, but they were just taking their sweet time and not saying anything which was pissing me off. But I’m glad I stuck by what I wanted to do, and didn’t extend my time.

Anyways, came home and did my night routine and went to bed.

Intuition - Feel like I had a breakthrough with why I feel “spark” connections that feel deep

8/10 - It was a busy day, lots of reflecting, but I feel like my aura is increasing even when I was hanging out with my friends. I felt the difference.

Energy:
15% - yoga
35% - reflecting
25% - staying grounded
25% - dinner with friends