11/12/25 - Am I the asshole? Feeling safe, everyone is a friend
Woke up, and my SF best friend immediately called me and started crying, so I was on the phone with her for an hour. I do think she thinks I’m her therapist, but she kind of does to me what I do to my other best friend, where I just word vomit with her now that I think about it. And idk I don’t really feel super drained, so I’m okay with it for now. If I start getting drained, I just give her short replies.
Anyways, started working and then took a shower, did my hair, ate, and had a meeting for a distribution house. Did some more work, and then took a nap.
After my brief nap, I randomly saw my old boss at a conference. He’s a supporter, and I believe it’s because he’s rich now and thinks if he made it to wealth, anyone can, so he doesn’t believe in welfare. My point of view is that anyone that supports inhuman things happening to other people, it’s because they haven’t been in that position and if they have and made it out, they look down upon them. If the roles were reversed, they would understand. I feel like it comes from a place of feeling superior. When tbh some people just can’t get out of cycles, like life truly isn’t fair for everyone. Some literally have trauma after trauma happening, and I know this because I was stuck in that loop. They lack empathy and once again I questioned If maybe to be rich you kind of are in alignment with no empathy. Like do all rich and privileged people just look down on everyone else?
And then it somehow hit me.. I do the same. While I understand this concept for material things, I treat people’s emotional intelligence the same. Just because I’ve made it out, I think it’s easy for everyone too, and those that suffer suffer at their own costs. This whole time I look down upon them too.
I think I still then struggle with the “why me?” and i think rich people don’t want to believe they got the upper hand in life because then they have to question the “why me?'“ too. It’s easier to blame.
Until now, I’ve been just forcing my truth on people and looking down upon them secretly when they can’t rise. Even my old best friend. I resent her for not being able to fight for herself. Or sometimes even my SF best friend, like why can’t she just get out of the loop with her toxic boyfriend.
I somehow feel a lot of humility. Like they just can’t. It’s not their time to. All I need to do is be myself and show them it’s possible. I just need to be the lighthouse, not push them to do things. The lighthouse reference makes more and more sense to me now, something that confused me at first because how can I have all this knowledge and truth and still not directly share or help people. The answer is… it’s not their time.
So then back to materialist things. If people are looking down upon poor people is that right? I still feel like they need empathy. True abundance is helping to bring the community up. Right now it just feels very individualist.
Mom and I wanted to go the mandir, so we went. I’ve been feeling more safe now, like I almost released the feeling of fear.
We went, we prayed and before going I told my cousin who was going to drop something off to come tomorrow instead because we were going to be home, but at the mandir she literally blew up our phones. It was a whole thing. Mom and I had like 20 miss calls from my cousin and everyone. Literally creating a whole false sense of urgency. It should have been simple. We’re not home, so you don’t come. If we don’t answer, we’re busy.
At the mandir, the guy from SF texted again. Tbh I kind of like the attention since again I don’t really get it. But I know he’s not my person. I kind of need to treat everyone as a potential friend, even if I think they’re my person because I was thinking back to my first boyfriend. I still think it unfolded so beautifully because we went from friends to dating. Almost magical. And I want that again.. I just jump the gun though every time I have a crush on someone.
On the other note, more people keep texting me for things and I’m wondering if I’m being avoidant. Like I don’t want to answer people or don’t even know what to say. Just feels super draining. I wish it was a thing I couldn’t just ignore people I don’t want to talk to cause my body literally repluses, but I think being need to hear a hard no. And I need to figure out a better and nicer way to reject people. This whole open ended thing is just more annoying. If they make my worse easy and give me what I want, I answer them right away but most people just come to me with dumb proposals. Idk if this is practice for my own opportunites that I need to learn how to say no to. Like I also don’t want to lie. ugh.
Also called my dad at night and told him my indian uncle messaged us for money.
Ate a bunch of cake too.
Intuition - I need to get better at saying no to people without feeling guilty
8/10 - Overall chill day, and happy that feeling of extreme fear is fading.
Energy:
25% - reflecting
25% - working
25% - mandir
25% - chilling
