11/10/25 - Peace is my baseline

Late last night, I did some more journaling. I journaled about what my future life looks like, in that I didn’t really get any insights. I feel like I have to do another round of writing from me a year from now. Last time I did that, I realized it felt like I didn’t deserve anything. Curious to see how that’s changed now or maybe it’s still the same?

Also journaled about what I look like in love or how I want someone who's in love with me to look at me. Deep down, I think I still struggle to believe someone can just be in love me for being me. Idk why? And Idk where this is still coming from. But I do know the kind of love that I want. The way I want someone to see and feel me.

I still couldn’t sleep, so I was watching Gilmore Girls, where I heard a burbling noise. Literally, the sewage sounded like it was about to flood again. I immediately took a video and sent it to my owner. And I put started putting everything up. I have renters insurance now, so it wouldn’t be the worst but I was still nervous and having anxiety. I was on guard and tried to stay awake until 4am hoping that if I stayed awake and alert long enough that I would make it through the night at least and it would be daytime.

In my yesterday’s journals, I was literally freaking out because the last time I felt this much at peace was when the house flooded. So the fact that there was a flood scare again felt on brand, but I told myself that this is a test. Peace is not a punishment for me. I’m supposed to train my nervous system that I am allowed to live in peace, so I did that and fell asleep. I calmed myself and stayed anchored.

I also woke up from the worst dream. All these months my worst nightmare has been coming to me in pieces. And every time I’ve been shitless scared. That nightmare, I was shitless scared until the very last minute and then woke up. This time the whole nightmare actually happened and played out, but I was still calm and I was rooted in trust. I so deeply believed nothing would happen to mom and I even while it was happening. And I was so calm because of that trust.

Because of all this I woke up with the biggest stomach pains. Basically, what happens to me when I feel anxiety. My stomach takes a toll.

But then I fell back asleep from the lack of sleep and woke up at 12pm. Called off of work as intented. Was still looking at my phone and answering things, prayed and gave those that meant to reach me to reach me as an intention.

Then mom made me eggs and I made my jam and butter toast too, with avacado. We ate, and then I went back into my room and watched Gilmore girls.

After a while, I decided to bake. Originally, I was going to make olive oil cake but we ran out of all purpose flour, so made the oreo cake instead, along with peanut butter dates and chocolate drizzled on top. I even made some frosting for the cake, while mom and I were watching our daily Indian show. While I was baking, it just all felt so perfect, and I had to remind myself that this is my baseline. I’ve just been too traumatized to know that. Most of the population has this as their baseline. No one is someone to be scared of peace. No one is supposed to have something bad happening in their life at all time, I’ve just had to go through it.

This peace is good, it’s healthy. I am not to be scared of it.

Afterwards, I tried putting up the christmas tree but the lights aren’t working. I was too lazy to problem solve it and decided I would give it another go before ordering another christmas tree.

A guy I met at the Diwali party texted me saying he wanted to do a single’s mixer and I have no clue what to answer him.

Afterwards, I decided to do a bath, so I set up the water, added salt, lit a candle, added bath foam, made tea, waited 20 minutes for the water to mineralize before stepping in. I played some christmas songs for a bit and then decided to watch gilmore girls. The water was super relaxing but it did feel too hot and claustrophobic. I tried to tell myself that this water is energizing me and really affirm that I get rewarded when I rest, not punished. Stayed for 30 minutes, and then went to my other bathroom to take a shower and wash my hair.

Came out, put body oil on, changed into my silk PJs and then watched Gilmore girls. I was in bed by like 8:30pm but then got hungry, brushed my teeth and now journaling before I call it a night.

I will say overall that my dreams and flood scare proved to me that my trust is getting even deeper.

Intuition - I’m learning have to not be scared of peace and happiness.

8/10 - The morning started off a bit rocky, but the rest of the day went by great and I think it’s going to take some time to rewire my brain.

Energy:
25% - recovering from my morning nightmare
25% - watching gilmore girls
25% - taking a bath/relaxing
25% - baking/spending time with mom