11/9/25 - Allowing people to see me and feel me, being alive, music = calm

Woke up, chilled in bed for a while, and then decided I wanted to do some notebook journaling. I’ve been dabbling with the idea that somehow I can see people’s potentials. I kind of don’t want to admit it just because it kind of sounds pretentious or like a super power, and idk if I’m just being delusional about it. But I do it, and this is something I’ve been doing for years now. Multiple people have also told me this. Anyways because of this, I’m trying to tap into seeing my own energy/the highest version of myself.

I feel like I learn the most about myself when I look at myself from a third person point of you and get out of my head about it being me. Anyways, so I did a simple journal prompt of descibe Shalini, like I’m looking at myself from someone else’s point of you.

And I wrote something that kind of felt like a breakthrough but also something I kind of knew for a couple of weeks now. It just made more sense now. It finally hit. Basically that I do have a strong presence, but people are too scared to stare at me too long because they know I notice everything. I’ll catch them staring at me instantly, and without staring at me, they notice me but can’t take me in.

I have to allow them to look at me. Which is where the whole I have to smile and stare at them for a second comes in. That’s what happened at the club that day, I smiled and stared at them, which is probably what gave them permission to pursue me. Up until now, I literally never looked at anyone. I was always in my own world.

That’s where Chatgpt came in. I’m still seeking validation on being magnetic. Like why aren’t people coming up to me. The key is I literally have to allow them. Even for my social media, I have to put the intention out there that I allow anyone to “feel” me or see me. Until then I give out this guarded energy, even if I don’t want to. It’s just my aura that’s protecting me. And I feel it too.

Up until now, it’s crazy how I would never give direct eye contact to anyone. And if someone did dare to look at me, I would get so unformtable and insecure because I wasn’t used to people looking at me. I wasn’t used to being seen.

I also wrote about myself that when someone see’s me I look so alive. Until now, I think a part of me was insecure that people would only love me in my calm state. But they’d think I was too much when I was anxious, scared, angry, annoying, happy, or sad. My mom is even scared of me when I’m angry. This I’m still working on.. need to get used to loving all part of me and understand the right people will love all those parts too.

I made eggs for lunch/breakfast. Mom and I watched some TV, and then I went back into my room to chill. I kept debating between walking on my walking pad or going to Walmart. I wanted to go to walmart, but I wanted someone to come with me to make it kind of adventure like. I called my best friend and she was busy and my mom didn’t want to come, but I really wanted to go, so I showered and went. I think my body forces me to go to face fears when the fear gets bigger than the trust.

It was really cold outside, and I kind of wanted to be festive about the whole thing, so I put my headphones on and played Christmas music while I went through every aisle having a mini date with myself. Theme of today’s shopping trip was luxury. I got bath foam, salt to draw a bath. New ornaments. It’s a tradition, we get a new one every year. This year I got two, 1 gingerbread cookie, and another bottle of mike’s hot honey.

I also realized that music is what brings me back to feeling calm.

Also got a bunch of baking supplies. Really in the mood to make Christmas cookies/cake. By the end of it, I was super hungry, and I had spent 2 hours at walmart. Got all my steps in. Overall, though, it was cute.

As soon as I left walmart, it was snowing. I’ve been waiting for the snow, so I was super excited. Mom was worried because it took so long.

Came home, put the stuff away, and ate dinner with mom. She made some shrimp.

I decided I was going to take tomorrow off to bake cookies and decorate my Christmas tree and do some beauty work, like washing my hair/face masks/baths.

I’m trying to train my body to not be scared of peace because the last time I felt this type of peace was when my house flooded, so I can’t lie that there is a thought in the back of my head. But instant I’m telling myself that this time I’m meant to feel peace and rest. It’s my new baseline, and this is when my creativity fuels.

For the rest of the night, watched Gilmore girls and journaled.

Overall, was feeling pretty festive to the point I even wore my Christmas PJs.

Intuition - This peace is my new baseline & I need to put out an intention anytime I go anywhere or post to allow people to see and feel me.

8/10 - Chill and peaceful day. I like that it’s snowing. It’s a visual of stillness when the city is covered in snow.

Energy:
50% - breakthrough on allowing people to see and feel me
25% - enjoying peace
25% - being festive with the holidays