11/7/25 - Exposing the need to be chosen
Last night, as soon as I realized that it was all just a test, and I probably haven’t found my person, I kind of felt a wave of sadness and disappointment. Like I got attached to the possibility of this being my person, and now I don’t have that anymore. It did feel like a void, so does that mean I’m operating from a place of lack? Even if I get love in my life it’s not supposed to change the base feeling of my life. Like I’m not supposed to feel a lack for it.
I almost miss being crazy in love. Like to the point where I’m actually down to be delusional just to feel dopamine and surge of aliveness again. But ChatGPT said I’m supposed to redirect that feeling of “aliveness” to create art. That’s where the overflow feeling comes from. When I have just soo much energy, including feeling so much love, that I need to put it somewhere.
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I also decided to pay some of my credit cards. Kind of feel the lack of money too with my mom’s account running low, and me needing to expense things for work, and just high credit card bills. I feel like I spend very cautiously and even cut down on so many expenses, so it just feels like where are all these high credit card bills even coming from.
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I guess the shocking part to me is feeling love deeply. I don’t think I saw that coming. I thought after all this healing, I wouldn’t ever reach that state of feeling so much love for someone that it feels like an obsession. I really thought I had enough self-respect to have my guards win. Like I thought that even if I met the love of my life, I would be chill, and forever love myself more.
But I guess this was a reality check for that. I will continue to love whoever I love just as deeply.
Clearly, I’ve still been stuck on this for the past two days. I think the thing I’m struggling with is what’s the point of making me genuinely feel like I found my person in all forms and feeding my delusion that that’s the type of fated love I’m going to get only to teach me lessons? But I guess the more I process it, god knows I’m smart. Unless I think it’s fated, literally, there’s no way you can get to me. I have all my sensors on forever. Even the guy from the club. I was instantly like he’s not it. And that’s the only way god can now get through me. Clearly I have enough self-discipline not to go for charity cases or potentials anymore. But I’m still not mastered in the not losing myself category. If I’m being really honest with myself. Instantly, I did want to show my value to him, I wanted him to pick me in the pool of all the girls, I wanted to feel chosen, I wanted him to get signs of me being his person. There was a part of me that did feel fear and anxiety, despite trusting that if he’s meant for me, he’s meant for me. I did have a disruption of peace, especially the stronger I felt about him.
Even if I think he’s perfect, I can’t wait for him to choose me. I can’t lose myself.
Anyways, woke up, reflected, got ready, and we had someone coming over today, so I’ve just been chilling in my room.
I feel like it’s time for my Yin Yoga, I need a release. I’m still in the mood to just hibernate and rest in bed, so ordered pizza for dinner. My mom and the aunty were still eating dinner in the front, so I ate my pizza with them. After she left, I got my 1 hours of walking steps in while watching this cute christmas movie. Forever my guilty pleasure, and also felt like taking an edible. I do realize it’s getting a bit excessive right now, so I need to stop for a while.
Did some journals and then watched another movie, Bride wars.
Ohh the additional candles I ordered also came in.
Intuition - I need to dig deeper on why I still need validation to be picked. Is there a part of me that still doesn’t love myself?
5/10 - Feeling a bit all over the place with my emotions right now.
Energy:
50% - feeling emotional + rotting
50% - people coming over
