11/5/25 - Welcoming a life of ease & alignment, overextending in love
Couldn’t sleep until 3am again, so woke up at 11am. My sleep schedule is genuinely so messed up right now with time zone switches between Chicago and SF, daylight savings, etc. Nevertheless, still woke up excited with yesterday’s win. Praying all the craziness comes to an end.
Answered my slack messages, and was again doomscrolling for a bit. I’ve been in the mood to just rest, get inspiration, and express. I haven’t been in the mood to really work. It feels like a waste right now, until I get urges of creativity.
Anyways, I was thinking a bit more about what I want my next photoshoot to be, and Idk if I touched on this yesterday because I genuinely have so many thoughts in a day that at this point I forget even when I process things. The speed of processing feels like it’s getting faster.
I want it to be about the 1920s themed in a speakeasy in a red saree. I started pouring everything I felt about it out and dumped a caption. I want it to be about stillness. About power in femininity about escaping the cycle of proving and entering embodyment. And this is why no one can ever take my concepts and art away from me, because my ideas come from my life, my lessons, and everything I go through. 1920s was the first visual of this. When beauty met power. Literally women dressed up in speakeasies, secretly holding power. Before that time period, all the visuals were of women kind of cooking/cleaning. Even some of 1920s. But that’s when femininity came in. A women in a red sari in a speakeasy with my caption literally gives me chills. After that women have been in their masculine energy. Proving. Making space. 1920s was beaty and power. The red sari also bridges my american and indian identity.
After getting a breakthrough and realizing I need to express my lessons into photography, I’ve gotten even a more overflow of ideas.
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Went to go eat lunch with mom, and afterwards started crying while talking to my mom about alignment and how I genuinely feel like our time has finally come. All the years of suffering. I also talked to her about how Zohran’s skills are such a combination of his bloodline. Like is mom was a storyteller, and that’s what made him succeed in this campaign. He told the stories of New Yorkers. I talked to my mom about how literally I’m such a combo of my whole bloodline too. The art, the writing, the business, the empathy. Literally I am a product of years of people’s expressions to combine for my purpose.
Truth through self-modeling and photography still sounds so crazy to me. The more I think about it the more I scroll and see how much of lack of it there is. Like all model photography is just pretty but so shallow. It might make you feel emotion. It might make stare at it with the beauty, but there’s no truth. Tiktok videos kind of have truth, but now aesthetic photos. That’s probably why I’ve been doomscrolling. It’s like market research for me right now. And the more I’m actually getting excited with ideas coming out. Exactly how I thought overflow would feel like. Anyways, back to the crying. I’m accepting and welcoming my time. A life of ease and alignment.
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While I was scrolling, my best friend sent me something which kind of made so much sense. Rama, Mamdani’s wife has just been so grounded. Like she’s been herself. Literally continuing about her day like nothing about his life affects her. Not once has she even posted anything about his campaign. AND HE fully supports this. In fact that’s what keep their individual power. She’s not getting lost in him. She’s supporting as her own entity.
And that was very inspirational in a way. Because that feels like today’s lesson too. Yesterday, when I got super consumed in DJ N being my person, I started thinking of all the ways I could blow him up. By creating pop-ups, having him DJ, sending an email with his name to get it out there, posting links to his new music. I EVEN MOCKED IT UP for fun.
In that moment, my thought process was maybe that’s why I was put in his life to help him expand his career. And it feels rude/selfish almost like being a bad partner if I have all these resources to take him off and I’m not using it.
But today I feel like my views have changed, and realize that’s a form of overextending. I’m literally creating things to take him off. That’s still proving my worth for being in his life as nice as it sounds. And to some level it’s smothering.
If the roles were reversed, would I be dating him for his power to blow me up? No. And if I was, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. And I’ve done that in the past. It never was right.
Like I realized months ago. It should be non-transactional. Almost like if he can’t give me anything would I still like him because knowing he has power and he’s not giving it only holds resentment if I’m expecting it. Same with him, if he’s expecting it, he’s not my person. He’s almost using me.
I have a feeling though that he follows me for me, not my work. If anything, he might be a little intimidated. If he reaches out to me, it’s almost unprofessional cause I’m in the network too, and we know a couple of the same people.
If I happen to be throwing a DJ party, and feel like he would be the right choice, then sure I can ask him. I wouldn’t be overextending. And this keeps me, me while working with him. I won’t resent him and he won’t resent me if we’re not expecting anything out of each other.
The same way, he’s actually good at taking pictures. I shouldn’t expect him to help me with my photography. I almost need to go about this like he’s not even there.
Any type of love should be able to withhold not giving anything back. Detachment.
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That being said, while I was in the shower, I randomly started thinking about branding 2026 of DM and how I can tell the users a truth. Off the top of my head, I literally thought of a whole PR strategy. And then was like I still want to do campus parties but almost make them secret.
The ideas for my work branding are slowly floating in. That’s why I’ve just been thinking. My body doesn’t feel like making the deck yet. It’s still in creative mode, so I’m been working with the flow.
I’ve been home for the past two days, and it’s not because I’m scared even though they’ve been in my neighborhood and I heard whistles today. I genuinely just don’t want to do anything but be on my phone and think. My body just wants to lay.
I even set up my treadmill today and didn’t walk. I do need to get on top of my game tomorrow though and back on track by waking up early. Ate two melatonin gummies too. I also think I just need new working space.
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Today was also the full moon, so mom and I prayed.
Intuition - He feels more and more like my person, especially with all the lessons I’m learning specific to him.
8/10 - Just thinking and having creative surges
Energy:
25% - accepting convo with mom
50% - thinking, creative surges
25% - rotting
