11/3/25 - Following my intuition
Last night, I literally ended up falling asleep in my contacts. Woke up at 8am to edit and post my Halloween pictures by 9am. It took a while to find the “perfect” sound. Like I’m actually pretty anal about it. I hate the pink dress post and cringe at the sound because it reminds me that I didn’t pick it. With content, I’m kind of learning to just post what feels right.
Anyways, posted it and sent my friends the rest of the pictures. Me and my SF friend were texting about what to say to my other friend that’s mad and tbh I actually don’t care that she’s mad. She literally does this all the time. Her being mad at me is not my problem. I still need to send her her bf gift, so will do that, but lmao I’m still not reaching out or overexplaining myself.
Also at a point where I try to no longer have anxiety about people being mad at me. I trust that the people that are meant for me will always find their way back to me.
Obsessed with my post, I kept replaying it until it was like 12pm and I needed to shower. Also, prayed today because I like this whole ritual of using praying as a way to anchor and trust god knows what to do, so I don’t need to freak out.
I realized I had a marketing meeting, so took that but was staving the whole time. After the call, my boss basically said I have half a million dollars to do whatever I want to do for branding. I already knew this, so didn’t say anything. Lmaooo he also said we aren’t focus on revenue anymore. All the stuff that I told my other boss is just coming back to me. Lmaooo like I didn’t even flinch because how unoriginal is my boss. At least use your brain once. I swear my respect for him just keeps on going more down.
But on the other hand, I was like this is interesting. I always thought I was going to gain a following and then be invited to big rooms. But I’m actually the one creating the rooms I want to be in now, not even on my own resources. And my IG and everything feels aligned. Like I have it in a way that from my IG you can’t even tell I’m the one creating these rooms. I have my own branding going on, but I drop hints, so it’s like those that get it get it. And it’s almost like you have to work with me to know me. Nothing about it is peforming to show my power. It’s calm confidence. And this way it protects me too because when I leave the company (I’m still ready and detached), those that follow me won’t just follow me for my influence but for me. For a second, I was like is god testing me by giving me more things that I like at my job, but I don’t think he is because I never said I’m overextending myself. If anything I’m spacing stuff out to the way I can handle it, and no shame in hiring more people or asking for resources. Neither am I putting my own stuff on the back burner. I will always prioritize it, and post when I feel like posting. Right now, I just haven’t felt that overflow energy completely yet. It still feels like I would be working too hard for it.
Overall, this is just not the way I saw myself entering big rooms, but I’m also not complaining. If anything, I’m entering these rooms without a big following which makes people even more curious about my influence. Almost like old money aura without the old money.
Ate and took a long nap.
Woke up from my nap and starting thinking a bit more. Just the way I now trust the people that aren’t meant for me, I have a little more trust on people who are meant for me. And I have a crush again on DJ N. He also liked my picture. Forgot about him for a couple of days, but there’s still this subtle pull that’s there. Not strong enough to make me go crazy and message him or something, just trusting that if he’s meant for me he’ll find his way to me when the time is right. It’s a trusting pull. And I know the time is not right now. If I had to judge his story, he’s been through a lot in life too and he’s still a bit bitter. He needs to soften up a bit more, trust alignment a bit more instead of wondering why not him yet. He knows he’s talented but he hasn’t taken off yet. He needs to love himself a bit more too and ground himself, which I think he’s pretty close to. I have a feeling he’s getting a bit tired of the scattered energy from the clubbing and is reconnecting to what feels grounded. He also needs to be able to hold all my emotions without freaking out. But overall, I feel like it’s getting more and more clear for me that he’s the person that I’ve been seeing in my visions. He feels right. But at the same time, I also wrote down things. That if he’s my person, he’ll have remembered the first time he swiped on me just like I do. He’ll also feel a pull. It all needs to feel equal if he’s really my person. I’m not getting swept up in fantasy. Also, stalked him on admin panel to see if I could find that first message, but couldn’t.
For me, I need to anchor a bit more, and love myself the way I want a guy to “see” me. I basically wrote down what I want from a guy right now and that’s to see me and read me in stillness. See my power and depth without proving, and respect my lifestyle instead of thinking of it as pretentious or too serious or intimidating. And that’s all the stuff I need to give myself. I need to respect myself for my lifestyle. I need to accept myself in stillness. And I need to focus on my art a bit more.
Randomly, I feel like I also have a bit more clarity on my socials? Like I gave it a bit of thought. What am I excited to do right now? And it’s genuinely creating different photoshoots, which is also a bit shocking to me but kind of makes sense. I thought my stuff would be a bit more with depth but who said it can’t. That depth can be in my captions. I also just want to create art, that’s what I’ve been naturally doing for the past couple of months. And even when my boss was talking about it, first off this was the most natural response for me “photoshoots”, and then I was defending it. And even internally it’s like I’m the artist and art. More than girls creating random tiktoks and talking, I’ve always been more jealous of the cool themed photoshoots on IG. Sure my Tiktok can be an extention of it, but my photoshoots are also where I feel the most alive.
It’s just kind of crazy how the answer was right in front of me, and I have been working on it. Now, I really want to do the 1920s themed speakeasy photoshoot. Like that’s what my creative energy wants to recreate.
But also unexpected again because I always thought my content would be something different.
I also don’t feel scared anymore. I’m trusting god knows what to do.
My post also didn’t perform today, but I don’t mind it. I still like it.
7/10 - Felt like a resting day and don’t mind it
Intuition - DJ N feels like my person, but he also looks like someone who can’t handle the annoying part of me. So idk… i guess time will tell. Excited to create my photoshoots though.
Energy:
100% - thinking about what feels like intuition
