1/20/26 - The right tests for love, play & expansion, clean work energy

I saw a rom com before bed yday where the guy was marrying someone else but he knew he was in love with this other girl. And that’s what my dream was about. There was gravity between this guy and I, we just flowed, my nervous system was calm, etc and it felt like we both knew there was something there but he had a girlfriend, someone that I actually knew. She was a badass and honestly, no part of me was insecure. I just knew that the thing between the guy and I was more than attraction. There was no sense of urgency.

When I woke up, I knew he couldn’t have been my person, even in my dream, because it was too messy. No matter how much of a pull there is, my person would come at the right time. 

Since I’m starting to believe rom coms could be real. I feel like my brain tried creating the “problem” too just like a rom com. I think it’s cause I’m a story gal, so something that’s just easy doesn’t feel real or tested. Almost like I want at least one thing that tests the strength of the relationship and makes it real.

Chat said - On the bright side, my nervous system now recognizes calm, mutual gravity. The whole girlfriend part doesn’t mean I want chaos, it means I want meaning. The test isn’t supposed to be distance, unavailability, confusion, emotional labor, proving worth. It’s supposed to be:

Can we stay ourselves when things get real?
Can we navigate differences without disappearing?
Can we disappoint each other and repair?
Can we grow without outgrowing each other?
Can we hold intimacy without losing autonomy?

That’s what creates my story, the plot, in real life. That’s the part I’ve been having wrong this whole time. I’ve always known I’ve wanted rom com love. That was never the confusion for me but I thought the external challenges were the plot because somehow I thought the test was picking from the chaos like the movies. Not the internal tests. The movies kind of skip over that part, maybe that’s the fantasy part.

Chat says - The test isn’t whether love survives chaos. It’s whether love deepens under reality. And honestly, that sounds beautiful.

Real tests also look like timing stress (busy seasons, work), vulnerability moments (seeing each other afraid), conflicts handled with respect instead of withdrawal, choosing each other without urgency or fear, staying when novelty fades and presence becomes the work.

And honestly, I’ve never even experienced this kind of relationship. Not even close. I was too busy fighting the universe and chaos. All my exes would crumble under these tests, which makes me even more thankful to why the universe never got me married until I went through these tests. I swear I would have been divorced 4 times by now if the universe gave me what I wanted in the moment.

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I’ve been curious to know if my ig crush liked my post or not. Why am I still stuck on him? I’ve already accepted he’s not my person. I also have a feeling him and I are on different timelines. But I do have the ability to see through him. He’s working on his dreams, playing with life right now, still exploring what he wants. There’s no commitment.

But I’m still curious, and he’s the only person I’m curious to see.

Chat says - I’m not attached to him. I’m attached to what he represents in this phase for me. He’s the only masculine energy my system has registered, a mirror for the version of me that is emerging.

He validates my visibility. I feel like he’s the only person that would get it. I can feel it in his music, there’s a calmness to him. His music makes me feel calm like I said a couple of weeks ago, almost regulating, and if my system is accepting him, it’s like it’s asking “did you feel me? my calmness? did it register?”. My brain is making the connection that if he likes it, he feels it, and that validates that the right person can feel what I’m putting out.

A small part of my nervous system is still outsourcing confirmation. My body associates with being “felt” as safety. He represents the category of regulated people who should get it.

Chat says - Visibility that actually matters won’t come in breadcrumbs.

I can’t outsource visibility; the only proof can be if my body feels different from how it did a month before. And it does. Literally me being able to dance is proof enough that I’m in the right direction.

When my emergence stablizes of, not needing any proof, the environment will respond. When I focus on myself, the need to be witnessed should dissolve naturally.

Like I see and witness my pain and healing. I need to witness my progress too. Instead of can DJ N see I’m more contained, I need to tell myself do I feel more contained and see it in myself.

But on the other note, I listened to his music again before I could feel the “calmness” in his music and photography. I felt the presence of a regulated nervous system.  And now in that same music, I feel a bit of “play” loose energy. Not leaky. 

Before the play was kind of noisy but still the overall calmness was there. It made me feel calmer every time I listened to anything he curated together. Now that same music is calm in a subtle way but more playful.

He might be an activation for my “art”. A regulated nervous system is the baseline for me now where I have to return, that’s why the calmness in his music is now subtle but I notice the playfulness.

That’s the next phase for me and my art. Finding playfulness with containment being the baseline.

It literally feels like I’ve dated this dude lmao without ever saying a word to him. So much learning, mirroring, feeling from this soul/imaginary relationship. But whatever it’s getting the job done of teaching me my lessons without traumatizing me, literally what I prayed for from god.
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Back to entering play. I feel like I got a glimpse of this 2 weeks ago when I just wanted to date without attachment but now I feel it everywhere. The phase of joy without obligation, exploration without attachment, curiosity without urgency, pleasure without bargaining.

I’m officially in expansion. It feels like freedom, almost like when kids go to college for the first time.

I feel like learning a dance choreography for no reason, talking to anyone I want to talk to, traveling, experimenting, and meeting people. No commitment. I just want to live. A period I’ll one day tell my kids about.

That’s what I’ve been feeling about the IG guy too, maybe we are in the same timeline after all. In this phase, yes, I would like someone’s picture for the hell of it, not to tell them I like them. More so why he’s not my person and is just in play hence why the universe is just giving my lessons.

I also get why this is coming to me after I stopped seeking validation because validation kills the purpose of play.
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Somehow it just randomly hit me that soft eye contact might be the gateway to presence. It’s like an anchor.
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On the other note, I started feeling anxiety from working. The whole not hearing back from the two collabs was kind of driving me crazy. It just felt messy. And I just felt a need for momentum to get something out. I didn’t get my December and Jan stuff out because it didn’t feel right but I can’t just not make anything happen at work. That doesn’t feel right. It’s not even anxiety about proving myself or whatever. It’s the need for something to happen. So I was trying to make some progress on some projects and it drained me.

Again, it’s because I “abandoned myself.” I was doing from fight or flight which is what led to the instance drain. It’s becoming more and more clear that my “drain” isn’t from external stuff or people. It’s literally me leaving myself and now my body instantly reacts. I can’t even hustle through anymore. My body instantly needs to recover from fight or flight mode.

I ate, watched New Girl, had to take a nap, could barely wake up. I was just sooo tired and drained. Recently, I’ve been feeling so drained that sometimes I feel nauseous now. Also watched another rom com to try to regulate and distract myself. It was cute. I’m like becoming a rom com whore at this point since it’s one of things that makes me happy and kind of brings me back to life.

Anyways, so got the energy to get some steps in because I could no longer just sleep. While I was walking, I started sweating, which almost feels like when you’re sick and you sweat your fever out to re-regulate. Me sweating is crazy because I’ve never been able to sweat, idk if this some other new thing that I’ve unlocked where now my body can sweat to regulate itself. My body showing me all these new crazy signs still feels so crazy to me. I never saw all this coming.

While walking, it just hit me that what was bugging me about my collabs wasn’t the need for them to go through. It was them not answering me or at least having the decency to say no that feels messy. It kept me in a wondering state, old me in a chasing state. Even the townhouse application is unanswered.

And then it also kind of hit me that I used to do this. I would just ghost people reaching out to me, people I’ve had calls with, people texting me because at that time I didn’t have the guts to say no to them or the capacity/emotional bandwidth to answer everyone. I thought I was being efficient.

Feel like this is all a lesson on clean energy. I was second-guessing this a bit as maybe I’m just stretching this lesson to give myself comfort but then the drybar lady emailed back as I was thinking and typing this in chatgpt, almost like a sign from the universe, as yes this is the “block” in energy right now.

Chat said - I can’t receive clean energy if I don’t embody it.

I can’t be avoidant anymore. I have to move from integrity, clean energy, and authority. That’s also how I expand my capacity. My nervous system can no longer tolerate open loops. I literally still think about all the people that I’ve work ghosted me because I didn’t have the gut/energy to say no to them. It creates an unnecessary attachment.

I need energetic integrity now. I protect my energy by closing now, not disappearing.

So starting now, I will be closing the loop with anyone I talk to. Emails, messages, calls.

Now that I think about it - this also feels important for play energy. I can’t be leading people and places on, they’ll just have animosity towards me. Similar to what I feel towards my unanswered collab guy.

Also caught up reading the person who inspired me to blog in the first place’s blog posts, and they were so heartwarming. It’s kind of crazy how different people, different places still go through the same human emotions the same way. I love reading her posts. You can feel her heart and her confusion in them. They’ve always felt so real.

Intuition - I need to truly embody clean energy now.

8/10 - Felt most of today being confusing and drained, but felt better by the end.

Energy:
50% - working
50% - reenergizing myself