1/21/26 - Joy can coexist with worry & fear, self-indulging day

Was so hungry last night, so woke up asking my mom to make butter chicken today. She was going to do some errands by herself and tbh that was scaring the shit out of me. I literally haven’t just let her go wherever she wanted to go since 2024 before she got sick. That’s when she was still working too, so I know this is good for her. She’s finally done with the phase of feeling like she needs to work and is in survival mode. I think she’s finally accepting she can just chill and enjoy her life, but I wouldn’t let her go anywhere because my anxiety wouldn’t let me. Just the fear of not being with her. The fear of something happening to her.

I literally can’t believe there was a time period where I wouldn’t see her for 4 months at a time, lived in a different state, and didn’t call her a couple of days in a row. Now, I’m like scared if she’s away from my eyes for too long or isn’t at home. Just her being out in the world freaks me out.

But anyways, even though I was scared, I let her go. She needs her freedom back. And I tried not to look at her locations. I just trusted that she would come home safely. It’s been a build-up and I’ve been letting her go here and there without anyone to the mandir now and then, but this was a couple of hours.

I’m proud of myself though. I cleaned the bathroom shower a bit before I ran out of the spray, washed my hair, made eggs, watched TV, worked for a bit, was about to do my hair and had a whole 2 minute dance party again letting myself feel joy while I was mildly worried about my mom because I’m learning everything can coexist with joy, including worry and fear.

My coworker texted me some tea and lmao for once I actually didn’t care to know it. So also improving on the feeling like everyone has to tell me everything or I’m not a part of the circle. I officially don’t care. They’ll tell me if they feel like they need to tell me or if it has to do with me. Until then, I don’t care.

At one point, I checked my mom’s location and she was at my 7th grade ex’s house which kind of confused me because wth, so I called her. She was and came home safely and told me the story.

She came home happy that she went on her own adventure today. Freedom means a lot to her and I’ve always known this. I can’t be taking her freedom away. That’s literally killing her alive.

Side note on the joy and worry coexisting - I feel like in relationships, I would put my life on pause. My happiness on pause until I knew my mom was okay. Every time something happened to my mom, I refused to be happy. And for the longest I even was conditioned to think that if I was happy something would happen to my mom. I remember actively telling god that if I have to pick between my mom and my person because I can’t have 2 people in my life at once, it’s always my mom. That’s why I let myself be okay with the bare minimum in relationships, accept someone less than perfect because I felt like I could only have a perfect mom. And if I have a perfect person, it’s god preparing me to take my mom away. That’s where the numbest and detachment also came from when I moved away. I was almost preparing for scenarios in case my mom had to leave me, because I was so conditioned to believe that no one needs more than 1 angel in their life.

This feels very vulnerable but at the same time I really have said anything and everything in these journals. Just spilled my whole heart out as I processed and decoded my life for the past 2 years.
-
Anyways, worked for a bit, and then went to go pick up the cupcake bouquet I had ordered for fun from walmart. I was trying to make my Walmart run super quick so I could literally get in and get out without being drained. Parked close, picked up my thing and walked out. I didn’t even go look at other stuff.

On my way back, I really wanted to show my best friend, so I facetimed her. She was bit moody, but said I could come over, so I brought the cupcakes upstairs and it was all ruined. lolol we were laughing for the longest. Her mom even started laughing. I was terrible at transporting them.

We ate the cupcakes. They were good and kind of tasted homemade.

Came home and she texted thanking me for getting them out of a mood. Ate my butter chicken with rice and a naan. Literally thought I was feasting. And then another cupcake. The amount I ate for dinner was my usual meal before. Crazy and now it feels like sooo much food at once.

Didn’t feel like walking, so watched a rom com, then did the dishes, ate another cupcake and took melatonin gummies. I really just want to wake up with energy tomorrow.

I’m really trying to work with my body but I just feel like shit. I didn’t even get my steps in today, and I feel so bloated and uncomfortable. I think I need an outside walk tomorrow to reset my body. I also miss working out but my mom just feels like resting right now. Almost like my brain wants to workout but my body doesn’t and I just feel so not great.

I need more energy and to not just feel bloated.

Oh and I also tried being responsive of every email I got today. Almost was on email watch.

Intuition - I’m finding the root of my joy. It still feels like something forbidden. To feel joy and worry for my mom at the same time. Almost like I’m evil or don’t care about her.

9/10 - Happiness in the little moments overall. Oh and didn’t feel drained after seeing my best friend, so plus point there.

Energy:
25% - life things
25% - eating
25% - working
25% - cupcake massacre 2026