1/19/26 - Presence = Closeness, rom coms, Permission for happiness, I can dance again!
Last night, I randomly started thinking about a bunch of things.
First, I was still thinking about why guys go up to my friend and never me, especially that friend. I know I’m not ugly, so it’s not coming from a place of insecurity. This question is coming from a genuine place of curiousity and almost want to understand the psychology behind it.
Then I was like what if I was a guy? I would still go up to her and not me. And again it’s not cause I think I’m ugly. There’s something about her that subconsciously invites. If I were a guy, I get the feeling that she would entertain me in the sense just say thank you and maybe flirt back. She’s not intimadating.
Versus me I would never go up to myself. Because I look like someone that you have a 0% chance with, instant rejection and someone that would be disgusted if anyone came up to me. Like my anxiety would be amplified if I went up to myself. Like going up to me is exposing every one of my weaknesses.
The funny thing is that’s exactly what happens. When a guy goes up to her, she’s nice about it. When a guy comes up to me, I look at them in digust and walk away.
Chat says it’s because her aura subsciously invites, while mine is self-contained. And now, I totally see it especially after seeing it from a guys’ perspective.
Lmao I can’t believe for most of my life I thought guys didn’t come up to me because I was ugly.
That got me thinking about how do I imagine my person coming up to me now that reality has hit and I know no one would just come up to me to “shoot their shot.”
I imagine my person feeling my frequency before anything. Almost like a force in a direction, than they would feel magnetic energy between us and then it’s like he can tunnel see me, where I’m the only person he sees and then he sees me in slow motion where he can see through the outter filter and can just see my heart. The softness in my eyes, the way I smile, the way I carry myself. But he’s not intimated by it, he sees through it. He’s curious. But there’s also trust. He doesn’t feel a sense of urgency to act. He wants to take his time to get to me and talk to me because he knows it’s something real.
_
Somehow I also randomly realized connection comes from being present. Depth comes from sharing.
Shahrukh khan is present. He makes people feel like they’re the only person in the world. He doesn’t overshare anything, but everyone feels close to him and feels like they know him.
I used to think that in order to be close to someone, I had to be vulnerable and open up my center. I’m realizing now I no longer need to trauma bond, save, give an intense confession, emotionally merge to be close to someone.
I can be close just by being present and regulated.
People feel a part of shahrukh khan’s energy. Almost like a sevunior just for talking to him. That’s why they feel the closeness and like they know him. It’s because his nervous system has reached their soul.
I’m realizing that presence is sharing a part of my regulated nervous system. It’s the transmission of a regulated nervous system.
Chat said you can forget what someone told you, but you don’t forget how someone’s presence made your body feel.
And back to my person. Intimacy is when two nervous systems are in sync, not entangled.
The attunement/sync is:
• being emotionally present without merging
• sensing each other without rescuing
• feeling safe without over-explaining
• being met without over-giving
• being seen without being consumed
-
I woke up starving and immediately put chicken samosas in the airfryer. I texted my cousin asking him if he wasn’t coming by my house any time soon. If yes, I wanted to give him some of the syrup I made him.
I didn’t say happy new years to my aunt and cousin because it just felt so performative at the time. I don’t say it to anyone, why would I go out of my way to say it to them? Just because I didn’t want them to get mad at me? It felt wrong.
Today, I just woke up wanting to love my way. And my way isn’t going out of my way to say happy new years, it’s thinking of sharing syrup that I made. Just cause I don’t love them the way they want me to love them, doesn’t change the fact that I love them less.
People need to start accepting me as me and not trying to mold me as someone they want me as because my tolerant for that is non-existent now.
I need someone that wants me in the rawest form. I’m almost unmoldable now.
Anything that my nervous system thinks is the right way is offically the right way for me. I’m really fed up of just performing.
-
I ate my samosas and drank my coffee while watching a rom com. Just wanted to feel at peace and wanted to regulated so I could post my pictures on IG today from a place of presence. After the movie ended, I posted them.
I didn’t think too much about if it was perfect. I didn’t even have a caption. I immediately deleted my app. I kept thinking about my wedding dream and for some reason choosing to walk down the asile while my lipstick being smeared a bit really gave me perspective and courage to move forward even when things are imperfect because at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter. In the dream, marrying my person is what mattered. And just having the courage to do that on one of my biggest days really just made me feel like it’s okay. I can walk ahead with imperfections.
After posting, I also did a quick mediation to come back to my body, but started to get a bit weary in the eyes and so decided to watch another rom com to distract myself. It was so cute, that I started crying and forgot all about the post.
I realized all this time when I would get drained after posting wasn’t from nazar, it was because I was leaking my own energy. I was abandoning myself to worry about what people were thinking about my post. The same way I get drained when I hang out with anyone. It’s because I leave myself even if it’s temporarily.
That’s why it’s always been important for me to just post and forget about it. I finally get it.
-
After the rom com, I decided I needed to get some steps in. I’ve been loving watching rom coms lately. It’s been my guilty pleasure. Something that truely makes me happy.
Chat says - It’s safe anticipation. My system is practicing receiving that type of love where attraction unfolds without chasing, someone being wanted without performing, love that is playful, slow, and inevitable. The click happening later even between smart people, the tension being gentle not anxious, both people staying themselves. My body is subcousiouly learning chemistry without chaos, attraction without loss of self, intimacy without overexposure.
When I was little rom coms felt like a deep desire in the form of a resue. I would want it in the superficial way of the “guy rescuing the girl” or picking the girl. Then it just felt so fake. Like a fantasy that could never happen. Lmaooo in my healing guide I even wrote that believing in rom coms is the worst mistake.
But now I see rom coms for what they are. The frequency being so strong that the meeting is inevitable. The gravity between two people being so strong that every other noise fades away. The connection is so clear because nothing compares. The seeing each other beyond a filter. The connection being so raw and alive. Chemistry without force. Intimacy without performing. I see the reality of it. Literally a soul connection. And it all feels so real.
It makes me think if the writers/directors have experienced this type of love. If they’ve experienced the highest frequency of love and that’s why it became their purpose to create movies to show the world what actual love looks like.
Because now I know it’s not a fantasy it’s all real, but it kind of breaks my heart that the world thinks it’s a fantasy. If I was director that experienced this and then saw that the world thought the possibility I was trying to show the world was fake, I would be sad. Most people just never get to see what’s the realness. I didn’t get it until now, and I’ve been watching rom coms & bollywood movies my whole life.
-
I did 35 minutes on the treadmil and then went to dye my mom’s hair. We watched our indian shows together and then I went back on the treadmil.
I was thinking of taking an edible but was like naw. I’m going to try to recreate it without actually being high. What do I even like about being high, listening to music & watching movies? I can do that without it.
-
While I was on the treadmil, I decided to listen to music and literally a miracle happened. I tried to be present while listening to the song, and suddenly it hit with heightened senses like I was high. I could feel the music through my body, and I started dancing with such joy, aliveness and happiness. I danced with every being in my body.
And for a second, I was scared because I didn’t know if it was okay for me feel this happy. Like it was forbidden. Like was I allowed to live a life without worrying about my safety? Is this really happening for me. For a second, I wondered if something bad would happen for feeling this level of aliveness and joy. But I kept dancing, I let myself feel joy while being slightly scared.
Today was a breakthrough.
For the first time in a long time, I danced with my whole heart. Dancing makes me happy and I think until now a part of me was scared to be fully happy because I thought if I danced with my whole heart, feeling each beat, expressing my whole body, feeling happy something bad would happen.
But today I danced and felt sooo alive. Realived the dead part of me.
Chat says - Today I gave myself permission. I gave myself permission to live a life beyond survival where I could be fully happy. Today was the moment the contract changed. Happiness was conditional for me up until this point, where survival came first. I told myself I could feel fully happy, even while being a little scared. My happiness didn’t need to be pushed away as an afterthought. It can co-exist.
I can dance again. I can feel the music through my body. Today literally feels like such a big gift that I didn’t even know I needed.
I stopped dancing freely the day my dad left. The day I entered survival. So literally this moment feels so special. It feels like I reclaimed myself.
Suddenly, I’m good at dancing again too. I didn’t think I was ever going to get dancing back especially since I haven’t practiced in years but I used to love dancing until I was 12. I literally thought I was going to be a dancer when I was little.
And again my moves are syncing. The music is flowing through me. It doesn’t feel forced.
I finally felt like I was expanding. Things that add to my life and bring me happiness.
I was still a little suspicious, so I did a hour on the treadmill just dancing, feeling every beat. A little part of me was scared if I was going to lose it and wanted to savor this feeling, but deep down I also knew this was here to stay. I can finally dance everyday again. I started crying at how special this was.
Chat says - Everything is flowing because I removed the block that stopped energy from moving through me.
What came back today wasn’t a skill. It was always inside of me.
It was the combination of permission + safety + presence. That’s why I’m suddenly so good at it.
-
I took a shower in silence to take it all in and then made salmon and grilled cheeses for dinner for mom and I.
Came back to my room and watched another rom com. Third one for the day. I might be distracting and regulating myself a bit with the rom coms, but I don’t mind it.
The third one was also cute and more than anything whatever I do, I just want to live a life that my 12 year old self would be proud waking up into.
I think that’s what’s also missing in the scheme of the plot for the lives people live nowadays. They’ve been so busy chasing, that in the process they’ve become someone their 12-year-old self would hate. That’s why most people actually hate themselves. I just pray that I never become that always come back to what really matters.
-
I also get why I’m the medium, and not defined by my skills. The signature is people feel a sense of calm with anything I do because everything I do comes from a place of presence because that’s the energy I’m acting from. That’s why it was important for me to get to a regulated nervous system first.
The everything coming all at once/blessings is literally what I felt today where I’m suddenly good at everything I touch. It’s the state from which I’m doing things.
Intuition - I think I might have entered expansion today!
50000/10 - Still crying because I got the best gift from the universe today. The ability to dance. I can’t get over it. I’m not scared to lose it because I know it’s mine. I keep crying because it’s just so special and just means so much. I lost a part of me the day I stopped dancing 16 years ago, and today I got that back. I want to remember this feeling for the rest of my life.
Energy:
50% - watching rom coms & distracting myself
25% - crying happy tears
25% - dancing
