1/18/26 - My subconscious turning point, surviving brunch

Had another dream. It wasn’t as traumatic but I did wake up really overwhelmed. This dream did feel like something that was part of my now reality instead of something insane. Lol I swear I could be making blockbuster movies with the insane dreams I’ve been having.

Somehow my makeup artist didn’t show up for my wedding, so I had to do my own makeup and I was sooo late to my own wedding like 5 hours late. My lipstick came off so I put more lipstick on but it got on my face and then I was about to cry because I was just so overwhelmed.

But my fiancé checked up on me and I knew I was more than excited to marry my person to the point I was ready to open up the lunch buffet during my wedding and have no one witness it because I knew everyone was hungry. All I knew was I wanted to marry that man even when no one was watching. And I knew he was doing everything he could to stay anchored. He was just happy to see me and marry me. 

Out of everything, that was a huge upgrade to me because that tells me my nervous system finally thinks my person is someone who makes me feel loved and safe. Even my subconscious can feel it now.

Chat thinks - my subconscious has moved from survival threat to performance and visibility stress. My body no longer believes I’m in danger of losing safety or life stability. And I think what closed the loop for that is knowing I can handle what comes my way and I don’t have to imagine every scenario to keep myself safe.

The make up artist not showing up is life asking me to show up as is, even when I’m messy and unpolished. Fear or being late is fear of missing the right timing or being judged or disappointing others. The lipstick smearing is visibility anxiety. My person still loving me is me accepting I don’t need to be perfect or perform or hold everything together to be loved. It’s my nervous system rewiring. And getting married without an audience is me no longer living for an audience or for validation. Even if no one see’s this - I choose this.

It was a lot but this dream was a turning point.
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Anyways, I had to wake up because I was meeting my friend for brunch. I was nervous and was just trying to calm myself so I stay present because now adays if I’m drained literally I can’t even survive through. Like what happen at the coffee shop. I had to literally leave in 5 minutes or what happen at target with my best friend where I almost had a panic attack. I didn’t want that to happen, where I just had a panic attack 5 minutes into seeing her.

I needed to stay anchored, so even when driving there I had to remind myself to focus on my own breath, bring myself back to my body by maybe taking a sip of my hot coffee or touching a cold glass of water. I had to remind myself not to overextend, let there be silence of needed and not overshare. I just needed to breathe.

Saw her immediately and somehow she wasn’t that razzled, so it helped me calm down. She broke up with her boyfriend two days ago, so tbh she was just talking the whole time. I would say for 2 hours straight, but I didn’t mind it because I wasn’t overextending myself. I was just listening. There where moments where I’m like this is so not worth my time, I’m not energized by this hangout. But at the same time my focus wasn’t if I was energized or not. It was simply to not abandon myself to focus on her needs and not get drained. There were times I was reassuring her but it wasn’t preaching wisdom. It was just relating to her and validating her experiences of whatever she was talking about. I felt like the waiter was hitting on her and that kind of threw me off a little but it was whatever. I swear the waiter didn’t even look at me and was staring at her the whole time. This usually happens when I’m with her where guys go up to her and not me and it always throws me off because why don’t they ever come to me. But I made peace with the fact that maybe I look harder to get. Idk if that’s the truth or not but I’m going to think of it as that to not go through a spiral. I talked the last 30 minutes about some vague stuff and surprisingly, she got what I was saying.

I invited her to my best friend’s cafe, so that’s how we naturally made plans again. And then came home and watched tv with mom and then went to my room.

On the bright side, I survived in the moment and didn’t feel like I had to run out. But I did have to come home and spend alone time after and even took a nap. I couldn’t even wake up from my nap and was just so tired. Somehow walked for 30 minutes but I was miserable and then ate some dinner and then watched this cute rom com on netflix.

Overall, the hangout wasn’t miserable. I did have a good convo, almost neutral but it wasn’t anything where I was energized. I don’t think any person/convo adds value to my life anymore to the point where I would hang out with them over myself. Everyone drains me to some level.

I feel like my body remembers a “flow convo” but idk who I’ve had this with. My SF friend? or someone else?

Overall, after dinner I did feel sick, almost like I needed to puke, and my stomach hurt, so took tums. I’ve been having to take a lot of tums lately. Almost like nothing digests.

I decided I was going to post my pictures on IG tomorrow so I downloaded it again and literally, it was just a bunch of baby announcements and wedding announcements. Officially at that age where that’s all people post about. I miss personal achievements. I miss people upleveling themselves. Like where is all that. It’s like people just stopped investing in themselves.

Intuition - My people are entering in my life soon, those that energerize me

8/10 - I’m proud of myself for anchoring enough to the point where I could survive brunch

Energy:
50% - Brunch
50% - Energizing myself after brunch