1/17/26 - Breaking closeness through chaos, emptied out closet, alignment with dad

I woke up at 8am from another insane dream. At this point, I’m scared to even go to sleep with how vivid and crazy my dreams have been. This whole purging in my dreams hasn’t been fun.

Anyways, today dream was surviving 4 tsunami waves in a row. 3 with my toxic ex and then the last one by myself. The first one I had to just flow with it, the second one it’s like the wave went over my back, but I felt all the pressure on my back. A sharp pain. And then the third one me and V made it to safe room, but the glass was about to break from the pressure. The fourth one, somehow I lost V but still made it back to the safe room, this time I “saved” some other people I knew and this time the glass was much stable and somehow I made it the other side in safety. It was all so weird and somehow I wasn’t even wet by the end of it all.

Chat says - Tsunamis’ represent overwhelming emotional waves, survival stress, and life or death event to my nervous system. My ex represented a period where going through chaos together felt like closeness & co-regulation. I can see why my dream picked him because I really did go through a lot of chaos with him and yeah that’s the only time I remember closeness. In fact, my most close moment with him was when we were stranded in the dark and I was shitless scared. Even with J, my closeness came from when him and I were stranded in a dark forest for 2 hours and again I was shitless scared and thought I was going to die.

Now that I think about it - I did feel closeness from shared moments of chaos.

But I survived the last tsunami wave by myself. Chat thinks my system is upgrading from “I survive with someone” to “I survive as myself.”

Chat also thinks a dream like this only comes once I’ve completed the cycle and my subconscious is closing the final loop. It’s finishing survival. Apparently this was the end to my trauma dreams, but we’ll see.

When I couldn’t find my ex, it almost felt like his time in my life was over. I wasn’t frantic or scared or anything. I was curious but I knew I was entering a new chapter. No more survival. It was safety. I also woke up with almost like imaginary pain in my back. It felt like all the emotional baggage I was carrying for other people all these years.

Anyways, my dreams have been a lot to decode lately.
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I went back to sleep and woke up at 12pm. Went to the living room and took down the christmas tree. Mom was going to a mini pooja, so I had the house to myself and tbh I was excited. I’ve been feeling super suffocated with just being in a room all day, so having the whole house to myself literally felt like freedom. Cleaned a bit, ate a bit, and then decided to make Vanilla Bean Syrup with the Vanilla Bean’s I had. Jammed to music for a bit and then went to my bedroom and felt the urge to clean out my closet. I’ve been wanting to get rid of things for a while, but every time I looked, it felt like I could still make the things work and first uses for it. They were all wearable items. But then today, idk I just decided I wanted to match my new identity of choosing myself and if I can’t see myself wearing it with that identity than it needed to leave. I’m also not in survival anymore. I don’t need to keep things just because I think I’ll need them one day. Moreso, while I was doing this whole thing If I touched a piece of clothing and it reminded me of a version of me that I no longer align with, it was time to go. I knew I needed a fresh new start. While trying on the clothes, my mom came. Somehow I emptied out how my closet. Still have a couple of pieces that i think I can “override” with new memories so kept some. Tbh I took out most of the clothes that reminded me of myself with any guy. It just felt like low frequency clothing.

I kind of want to make a capsule wardrobe now, where the clothes are my frequency completely and I wear to multiple things. I don’t like a piece of clothing being tied to a guy. Feel like that’s fast fashion energy. For the first time in my life, I also threw away some expensive clothing because for once the cost of having them be a part of my life was larger than actually having them.

I also thought I was supposed to hang out with a friend today and she just never texted but turns out we’re hanging out tomorrow. I told myself I was not going to follow up. If she wants to hang out, she’ll text. I was the last person to text anyways. And she texted with the plans to go to brunch. She also made the resy.

She’s a bit unregulated, so I’m a little nervous on how tomorrow is going to go. I usually notice her overstimulated and try calming her down, but I no longer want to do that. I have to stay contained. I will no longer also offer people advice. It feels way too leaky. My new rule is to not give unsolicited advice. And I might need to come back to my body often if i see myself absorbing her energy.

Got tired and just chilled for a bit.

My dad called me. I’ve been avoiding him for a bit because last time he asked me some draining questions about our reality. I thought about it and knew the answers but was too drained to call him and talk, so I’ve been avoiding his calls, but today I picked up. I straight-up told him the truth but somehow we bonded. I told him I can’t get married to anyone. I need someone who matches me, and he understood that. He agreed with me. I also told him that I had a soul connection with him and I know he wasn’t physically in my life but my soul always knew I had a dad. This part got me super emotional. And the last part, which I totally didn’t think he would understand. I told him he has a soul connection with my mom too. They’re not apart cause of faith. Technically, they could be together but even if my mom went to India, they can’t even live together. But he knows he’s not supposed to be with anyone else. Neither can he live alone for the rest of his life. I told him it was time for him to change and see how he can be a good husband, so they can live together again. And he understood this part. I’ve been praying for god to bring my dad alignment too because I know he’s a soul contract. My mom is healing somehow with me in the household. I see so many changes in her. But my dad doesn’t live with me, so I’ve just been praying. And I finally think today he understood that he does need to change. I’m praying it sticks. But overall, this made me so emotional.

Praying for my family to be properly reunited with alignment. Just thinking this makes me so emotional.

Walked by steps, ate yogurt and then watched Pyar Impossible. I’ve been on a bollywood streak.

My mom watched my water bottle and found mold. I literally watched it last week, but apparently I’ve been drinking mold. Wonder if that’s causing any of my health issues. Also haven’t taken my vitamin D for the past two days.

Intuition - I have a feeling my family is going to reunite soon

8/10 - Chill day at home with some emotional moments

Energy:
35% - cleaning/chilling
10% - making vanilla bean paste
25% - a little shaken from my dreams
25% - emotional call with dad