1/16/26 - (incomplete)

Woke up from another interesting dream. In my dream, I was “saving” someone again and then we fell in love. I didn’t even realize I was “saving” them until in my dream. I just thought I was helping someone in distress. 

I realized I was saving them and that’s how I got attached to them.

Chat says - Helping someone is the bridge to my intimacy right now. Intimacy entered through caretaking. That’s how closeness gets permission to exist.



realized a couple of days ago that I might not even know I like them until I do, intimacy will be from stillness. I asked chat to get me imagine it to get my body used it but tbh again I might not even know. i’ll literally just go about my day with repeated time with this person and it won’t hit me because I’m not supposed to perform or shock my nervous system. And it kind of lines up with my dreams.

Also was freaking out because I don’t think i’m anchored enough but chat says I am to the point where i do choose myself now.

Fear of not getting someone hot. Confused on how my body won’t know if I find someone hot? I don’t even talk to guys. Overall I need to stop worrying.

Went to go get contacts, coffee but was overstimulated instantly. Hustled through getting milk.

I feel like my tolerance for my overpleasing survival self is so low. 

The way I should me feels so clear to the point I almost just want to wake up acting like it and not giving a shit what happens as the after affect 

The version of me I see moves so slowly and grounded. And isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants no matter what position she’s in. 

She doesn’t just wait. She lets everyone know of the deadline because she makes next steps. 

Her path and vision is so clear 

She doesn’t care about who she is dealing with. She cares about what she wants. 

Steps & want to post my pictures & want to do photoshoots but don’t know what to do

Neal and Nikki at night.